It’s been a long time. I’ve just been having thoughts where I don’t want to deliberately post to be viewed, but I still want them to be read. I can’t believe I came back here.
Life has picked up a lot more than ever before but I feel more lonely than ever. I… don’t have anyone to share this with. The successes. The depression. The fact that I feel the weight of the world is on my shoulders.
I’m afraid that anyone who knows this side of me will start judging me. Mock me. Or find me unbearable to be around. I’m afraid. I have not opened up to anyone in a long time. I’ve been battling this all on my own lying to myself for fake confidence this whole time but it’s eating away at me. I’m so depressed. I’m touching my dream yet I can’t help but think “I wanna give up.” over and over.
I try to distract myself by trying to help friends but I feel unwanted. I don’t know if I’m welcome. If I open up to them, it’s like i’m making it about me. I’d be of no help. Wesley and Shirleen, I’ve known them for the longest time yet I couldn’t even open my mouth to say that I’m breaking. Vincent’s overseas. Tommy would never listen to anything emotional. Phoebe’s too inexperienced. I don’t feel that it’s right to rely on Isabelle.
Do I even have friends? What is a friend? Shouldn’t it be someone that you don’t have to think as you enjoy the time with them? Why can’t I stop worrying? Am I traumatised from losing all my friends from Poly as they turned to gossips about me? I’m probably traumatised.
No one asks “How is Calvin?”. I’m dying inside.
