Haven't blogged because I've been tired the past few nights. I'm doing this now because I'm waiting for a video to render. I've been getting used to working, although I still feel like I'm terribly unproductive. At least I don't feel as alien as I did at first, but still the grief of not being creative at the same time as I am trying to earn money just frustrates me within.
Outside of work, I've been doing my fair share of art though. I'm picking up, and I'm quite proud. School holidays has started, leaving me more free, although friends have been inviting me out. Which is good, I before the holidays started I was craving for the holidays but as soon as it did I began to miss all my classmates. Work and friends have caused me to lose time with my ITE clique though. There's a slight sadness in me about that.
Many of my friends are grieving inside (not counting the ones that are just attracting attention), and I feel helpless, once again. I think I might be getting better at getting their mind off the matter but still no so much on helping them muster courage to tackle it on their own.
Met Ignatius again after so long through Vincent. He met with my classmates too, and man, he hasn't lost a single bit of coolness. I think that I find it hard to hang with Chinese-cliques now because I've been hanging out a lot with English-spoken classmates and old English friends.
I've heard my voice over a speaker and what sounds like a fancy british accent on the inside sounds like a whiny Singaporean boy trying to act Caucasian and this makes me tear my hair out.
Monday, June 10, 2013
Monday, June 3, 2013
3rd June - Abstract
A lot of negative self-reflection today. I've been getting frustrated with myself for hitting my dead end and just leaving it like that. Barely making it for assignments, and doing a slack job and getting a regularly decent grade while rumor has it Groups 1 and 2 have superb artworks. Fuck! I keep telling myself to buck up but there's this big psychological block
Talked to Joey about it in an attempt to coerce her negative inner feelings out, and she kind of remedied my problem by changing my mindset on the situation not as doing irrelevant stuff to game design, but seeing it as challenges I have to overcome.
Still can't see to help her though. She has some bad anxiety, insecurity and inferiority issues and I don't know how to approach the solution.
Been also questioning love.
I don't feel emotions so finding love is hard. But maybe a love for thinker-types exists out there. I'm having that small panic I'll be alone forever, and that bothers me a little bit. Also this matter with Syai liking me and not being able to drop it makes it feel like I'll never be considered as a viable dating partner by any other classmate throughout the whole of this course. Life is confusing right now.
Just have to take things one at a time. Like seriously.
Focusing on the week just makes me remember I have work on weekends and that bums me out.
Talked to Joey about it in an attempt to coerce her negative inner feelings out, and she kind of remedied my problem by changing my mindset on the situation not as doing irrelevant stuff to game design, but seeing it as challenges I have to overcome.
Still can't see to help her though. She has some bad anxiety, insecurity and inferiority issues and I don't know how to approach the solution.
Been also questioning love.
I don't feel emotions so finding love is hard. But maybe a love for thinker-types exists out there. I'm having that small panic I'll be alone forever, and that bothers me a little bit. Also this matter with Syai liking me and not being able to drop it makes it feel like I'll never be considered as a viable dating partner by any other classmate throughout the whole of this course. Life is confusing right now.
Just have to take things one at a time. Like seriously.
Focusing on the week just makes me remember I have work on weekends and that bums me out.
Sunday, June 2, 2013
2nd June - Actualization
Went to Vincent's house today to do homework. I hadn't seen him in quite a while. Apparently he was trying to resist sleep so he could set his body clock back, and he was quite happy I arrived to keep him up because he was on the verge of collapsing into slumber alone HAHAHA
We talked a lot. We always talk a lot when we're together. I talked about my school friends, then we contemplated life, shared analyses, watched Table Talk, tried some Table Talk of our own, went over our bucket lists, shared that we both want to find romance but both of us being 'Thinkers' rather than 'Feelers', achieving that was difficult. Because us Thinkers need reasons to feel a certain way. We have reasons we are happy or sad or angry. Same for love. That's why the concept of unconditional love is so difficult to come to us because that's a feeling thing. Something you just... feel.
Overall it was fun to chat with my best friend all over again. I've been hitting a bit of an identity crisis because with every clique I'm in, I change personalities so drastically it scares me. But with Vince, I can be myself. The pondering, intellectual, analytical me, and he can be the same. Perhaps I got influenced by him as we hung out. Or maybe we hung out in the first place because we were both like this. How we became best friends was so strange. Vincent was the super popular guy. And yet he started to hang out with me because he wanted out of the scene, and he said back then he found me cool. Wow, I was a nerdy otaku boy back then. Yet I'm so flattered, ahahaha. We've both changed a lot since then, and he's proved to me that the Realization of Self really exists for everyone. He calls is Self Actualization, but it meant the same thing.
My day was ruined when I couldn't get out of work to go out on the June 8th outing planned since way back. Such a bummer. I feel guilty for working so few days but my meetings with people really are much more important to me than earning money :( At least Vincent might be joining me at work soon, maybe. Hooray!
We talked a lot. We always talk a lot when we're together. I talked about my school friends, then we contemplated life, shared analyses, watched Table Talk, tried some Table Talk of our own, went over our bucket lists, shared that we both want to find romance but both of us being 'Thinkers' rather than 'Feelers', achieving that was difficult. Because us Thinkers need reasons to feel a certain way. We have reasons we are happy or sad or angry. Same for love. That's why the concept of unconditional love is so difficult to come to us because that's a feeling thing. Something you just... feel.
Overall it was fun to chat with my best friend all over again. I've been hitting a bit of an identity crisis because with every clique I'm in, I change personalities so drastically it scares me. But with Vince, I can be myself. The pondering, intellectual, analytical me, and he can be the same. Perhaps I got influenced by him as we hung out. Or maybe we hung out in the first place because we were both like this. How we became best friends was so strange. Vincent was the super popular guy. And yet he started to hang out with me because he wanted out of the scene, and he said back then he found me cool. Wow, I was a nerdy otaku boy back then. Yet I'm so flattered, ahahaha. We've both changed a lot since then, and he's proved to me that the Realization of Self really exists for everyone. He calls is Self Actualization, but it meant the same thing.
My day was ruined when I couldn't get out of work to go out on the June 8th outing planned since way back. Such a bummer. I feel guilty for working so few days but my meetings with people really are much more important to me than earning money :( At least Vincent might be joining me at work soon, maybe. Hooray!
Saturday, June 1, 2013
1st June - Shrivel
Ugh, even though I told myself that getting a job would make me treasure my time more and that I'm willing to spend the time to earn money, but god damn I hate working. I'm just standing there in a non-creative environment not allowed to daydream because I have to pay attention and ughhh... It'd be damn wussy if I quit after a few days though. I really want to have my free time, but I want money too. When will a proper game design job roll in *sigh*
I spent the day after coming back from work reading and catching up on manga and I'm just like 'Shit, why aren't I drawing my manga.' I have to really start building my work ethic up. I need to really focus on what I want, and work towards it. Slacking and sitting back and relaxing is tempting as hell, but I'm going to have to truck through and make myself do it if I want to achieve anything. There are people out there, my age, who have achieved greater things because they refused to let it go. And here I am, just all talk. Fuck me, I gotta get moving.
Chatting with friends is fun though. According to rumors, people are getting jealous when I'm with Joey. Which is strange because Joey has a boyfriend, Shawn. So why are they jealous... of me? I'm a pal, I hang with Joey because we have quite a bit in common and we click really well because we can get really crazy about shit we like (also I introduced her to ONE OK ROCK and she likes it fuuuck yeah). I don't really wish to be part of the love tetrahedron that is this class. I reflected a bit over what makes up the foundation of my Logic-first, Feelings-last mindset. To build it, I had to focus on one goal. One thing in life that I wanted. Which was wanting to be the best game designer in the world. And focus solely on that. Make my life revolve around that. And everything else will seem so much less important it'd be on a scale you can just analyze and contemplate. My life revolves around my dream. Were something to happen to me, like permanent blindness or loss of my arms, that would impair me from achieving my dream, my life would stop right there and then. This is the gamble I've taken to become the me I am now. I just have to act on it.
Come on Calvin.
I spent the day after coming back from work reading and catching up on manga and I'm just like 'Shit, why aren't I drawing my manga.' I have to really start building my work ethic up. I need to really focus on what I want, and work towards it. Slacking and sitting back and relaxing is tempting as hell, but I'm going to have to truck through and make myself do it if I want to achieve anything. There are people out there, my age, who have achieved greater things because they refused to let it go. And here I am, just all talk. Fuck me, I gotta get moving.
Chatting with friends is fun though. According to rumors, people are getting jealous when I'm with Joey. Which is strange because Joey has a boyfriend, Shawn. So why are they jealous... of me? I'm a pal, I hang with Joey because we have quite a bit in common and we click really well because we can get really crazy about shit we like (also I introduced her to ONE OK ROCK and she likes it fuuuck yeah). I don't really wish to be part of the love tetrahedron that is this class. I reflected a bit over what makes up the foundation of my Logic-first, Feelings-last mindset. To build it, I had to focus on one goal. One thing in life that I wanted. Which was wanting to be the best game designer in the world. And focus solely on that. Make my life revolve around that. And everything else will seem so much less important it'd be on a scale you can just analyze and contemplate. My life revolves around my dream. Were something to happen to me, like permanent blindness or loss of my arms, that would impair me from achieving my dream, my life would stop right there and then. This is the gamble I've taken to become the me I am now. I just have to act on it.
Come on Calvin.
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