30th May - Reasons

The past few days had been spent catching up on homework. Especially the group projects. Finally! Everything is done! Now it's just the individual assignments, which are a lot less stressful since we don't have to constantly discuss! Thank god for no more group projects WHOOHOO!!

-which is what I would say, but these recent projects have turned out amazing. I've always thought a whole team of me would be flawless, but working with some people in which I've thought were problematic and that I'd have to carry, have surprised me over the course of the projects. The results of every project that has come out so far, I can honestly be proud about. That they have been good jobs. It's amazing. One to notice especially is Gillian's amazing video editing ability. I had thought that my minimal knowledge of Adobe Premiere Pro would put me in front of the whole class in video editing, but when she did hers and showed it to me, my jaw figuratively dropped. I would not have even imagined that it would be presented in that way, and yet it's so amazing! Had I been cocky and done it, it would have come out a lot more lengthy and boring, although informative. A slew of fantastic projects. I need to learn to stop underestimating people and stop overestimating myself.

Recently my friends have been in states of various kinds of depression, and I've been trying to help, but I am incapable of it, once again. I try to explain to them how things would turn out better or how there are better things out there or how to work their way around the problem in my sagely-robotic-long-analysis method but it only ends up confusing them. And in a way, me as well, on what response could they possibly be having now. I do wish I really could tell what goes on in a person's head, to know what they'd like to hear or be able to match what I want to say to what they would understand. The innards is my own mind is so complex, I want to say it out but the only way I can express it is in long chunks of words. I need to gain a better grasp of my identity. Of me. My dreams. My ambitions. My goals. My ideas. My ideals. My beliefs. My soul.

23rd May - Leverage

I am so pissed. I haven't been angry in such a long time, and here I am fuming the fuck out now. Well, actually I cooled down after a few rounds of S4 League, but it still pissed me off, what happened today.

Design Fundamentals class was put off, probably due to the teacher's illness, so we took the time to go the library to discuss our Comm Skills project. In the process, I noticed Syai writing a note, so I looked over her shoulder to inspect it. From the content, it seemed to be a letter supposedly addressed to me. She chucked it later, so I didn't get to see it. I mean, I could've dug into the bin and fetched it to read, but I didn't feel like pulling up the ruse to do it. What could I possibly do even if I did read it? I suppose this started my volatile mood for the rest of the day though. If still being friendly towards Syai bolsters her feelings, then by logic I should avoid her. But that would be jerky, and also would probably toss her into a cycle of self-hate. I am so torn. Everyone's always telling me to console her whenever she is down. To hug her when she's burying her head in her arms. But what about me? Is she really the only victim here? I have to play a ruse, and act, and feel guilty about it afterwards? That's my purpose?

Storyboarding class is what really ticked me off. Apart from Ms. Gail being a grand bitch to begin with, with her self-praise and her baseless criticisms, the fact that she began to take on favoritism really ticked me off. And not only that, it was of Bryan. God fucking dammit. We've all followed her instructions because we thought she wanted us to follow her teaching pace, and then when this grand fucking idiot goes out and does something not only extra, but unnecessary, she praises him for being fast and ahead of everyone?! FUCK. And she asks for a piece of paper from me to photocopy, I thought it'd be for the class. She photocopied a whole stack just for that grand idiot. I was just used as a stepping stone. Some people may think I'm just being too proud, but fuck, THAT TRAMPLED ALL OVER MY PRIDE AS AN ARTIST. Not only losing to this ass, but take my resources and use it on him. FUCKING HELL! When Joey and Isabelle got into a mess with the photocopier, she decided NOT to go and help them, for reasons such as 'she'll get angry at me too' BITCH you're a teacher, you have so much more leverage than students. You have students that might have to part with $140 because of a misunderstanding, and you're only concerned about keeping your own fucking job?! I am just fueled with hatred towards that Irish bitch now.

22nd May - Space

I don't feel very good about myself today.

Went for Japanese Club. Impressed people with my drawing.

Went for Drama Club. Remembered what I liked about Drama. And also what I hated.

Went home.

Broke down Wei Qiang's psyche to people. I could've been wrong.
What worried me more is that I probably looked like a show-off or a know-it-all or something.
Fuck.

Starting to get paranoid of what people think of me.

I am worried.

Also, no progress on my RPG Maker game today. Shit.

Hope for improvement tomorrow.

21st May - Asphyxiation

Went to school earlier today even though class started like 5 hours later because peeps wanted to celebrate Sundram's birthday. Alright, truth be told, I didn't want to celebrate it. Mostly because I'm a miser, and well, I don't particularly enjoy Sundram's company. Partly because he reminds me of the faggots back in Secondary School that I hated so much. But he's nice. Just that I feel uncomfortable around him (and he smells odd too. Like some kind of cologne?). It may take some time to get used to it. Regardless, if I want friends, sacrifices have to be made. I need to take a step out and reach out to people so they can reach out to me.

I pinched Isabelle's phone and ran away with it because this whole skirmish thing started from yesterday when she took my hat and I took her phone. This time I ran one whole round. It was funny at first, but then even after she returned it she didn't let up. I'm ticklish, and she took advantage of that. I used to like being tickled, but now I fucking hate it. It's like that feeling of losing control of your own body. Just terrible. But that was the leverage she used against me the whole damn day. At one point, we were wasting time in the Lecture Theater before leaving for dinner, and she was chasing me around the whole place. I had no time to catch my breathe and regain oxygen. Fear began to set in. Like seriously, I was dangling on the borderline of a panic attack, with Isabelle constantly on my tail and no where to run. My heart was beating so fast I swear.

As I ran around the Lecture Theater to get away from her, I chanced across Syai, sulking alone outside. I thought it strange, so I decided to sit next to her as I regained my breath. As she hunched over the table to what I initially thought was to sleep, I noticed her wristbands shivering. She was crying. So I hugged her and she cried into my shirt. She didn't tell me much about what troubled her, and I guessed a few times, but I didn't probe much further. I suppose some of her grief lies with me, but there's not much I can do about it. I feel so bad using my position as her interest to calm her, but I am a friend before anything else, and I... mmm... I can keep glorifying it as much as I want, but no matter what I'll still be conflicted on the inside...

20th May - Lucidity

I'm surprised! Inez actually does work! Granted, perhaps it's because none of us did anything, but I was rather impressed to see that she worked on a PowerPoint for our Principles of Game Design project. Even though it's just copypasta, it's pleasing to know even this crazy yaoi fangirl midget has a work ethic.

I suppose the biggest event that has happened to me today really was me just pacing around the third floor pondering about my RPG Maker idea. I really wanted to make something great. I couldn't just make another mockery of traditional RPGs, because that gets old and it has no depth. I had to make something amazing. I had to create a world that was amazing. And not just another fucking fantasy JRPG piece-of-shit. That's overplayed and overdone. I have to make something that stands out. Making something unique is something I'd have to be good at, I'm not going to go with the flow and make some cookie-cutter basic thing just to make ends meet. I have to set records in history. And although progress is slow right now, I did think it through very much. I came up with some brilliant ideas. To me, anyway. Details about the setting, special gimmicks, within the restrictions of RPG Maker but enough to make it great. Or, at least it seems that way in my head. I know I'll probably hit a few bumps along the way, procrastination included, but I hope I'll be able to grow enough to ingrain enough maturity in my mind that this is my dream, and this is what I want to do.

I met Zi Sheng today. He's been working at the Vegetarian Food Stall at my school recently. It's so great to see my programming counterpart. With him no longer in the same school as me, seeing how he's going to army first, I've been lacking a person I could rant and talk to. Zi Sheng has been lonely over not having seen anyone other than Vanessa for so long, it was so great to just talk to him again. I first complained about the peculiarity of my class, and then we went on and on and on, and then it came to the topic of games and it got really heated. We're both so passionate about this shit, I can't wait for when I'm good enough to make it real, and work in a company with him by my side, taking the world by storm in concept, art and programming. It's my life's goal!

19th May - Table

I've recently been really getting into SourceFed's Tabletalk. At first I found it through Meg Turney's sexy underwear photo, but now I'm really getting into the content of the show itself. The premise in itself really interests me. People sitting around a table and people on twitter and reddit just thrown in topics and ideas and then they speak their mind about the subject. Oh god, it's genius. It's the kind of thing I'd really enjoy. It really makes me wish I was on Tabletalk, just have topics thrown at me, because every time they discuss something, I'm coming up with lots of things in my head too. God, it's so fun. And the show has so many personalities, it's great. Personally, I like Phillip deFranco, Meg Turney and Joe Bereta shows the most. Phillip, because for a long time I've been a big Phillip fan. His show alone beats SourceFed's news, because of his amazing charisma and how he words things. And yet on Tabletalk you can see him being all geeky and like. Then Meg Turney, oh god, she is gorgeous. Not only is she hot, she's a gamer girl, she's proud of being a woman without being a bitch about it, she's cheerful, expressive, just brilliant. I suppose expressive girls are really my type of girl. Which feels strange to admit because Meg Turney actually seems like an older, Caucasian version of Joey. And if I do admit it out to people how I find those traits attractive people might... think other things. +awkwardness because Joey and Shawn are dating. Joe Bereta doesn't get a lot of shows, but the shows he's on, he's explosive as fuck. Phillip is the cool charisma, sharp and to the point, Joe's the flaming loud charisma, his opinions are way out there, yet at the same time they hit the subjects very well. And he's really expressive too, really catches my attention how he acts out some roles he's demonstrating.

So yeah, this entire blogspot has just been a TableTalk rant. There's not much to mention. I applied for a job at an unknown pizza place with barely any business, if that's any news at all. Oh, and new iPhone games. SO FUN.

18th May - Dare

Went to Yiru's birthday today. I was really reluctant on leaving the house just to go all the way to Woodlands but she seemed to be expecting me, so I thought I'd go surprise her. It was kind of awkward being there with the family and a bunch of her friends, and the only ones I know are the 3 I met back on my Hong Kong trip, but the bright side was there was a buffet. All good. Food solves all the wrongs. I did feel kind of estranged though. Mostly because there were a lot of guys there that she randomly invited, and high chance a lot of them are quite fond of her, and yet she's really comfortable with me because we've been Latin Dance partners for a good year or so, and we've gotten past the touch-awkwardness thing, and lots of people start questioning whether or not I'm her boyfriend and stuff and... Ooh, what do I look like in the eyes of all these guys? A threat? Through some song, and a Truth-or-Dare game, I got to know the others a bit. They all seemed to be younger than me, seeing how terrible they were at Truth-or-Dare. I mean, the point of the game is to put risk into it. Things that they wouldn't dare to do or say, and that's what makes this game so thrilling. But every time a hard risk or personal truth comes out (most of them all thrown in by me), they chicken out, or their friends offer to numb it down. NOOO It's supposed to be a pain to answer, god dammit!

I left for home rather early, although because of my following two guys who thought they knew the way and ended up elsewhere, I got the last bus back home. The day might have been better spent doing things on my to-do list. I have a manga to draw, the S4 League one I have left in the corner of my table for quite a while now, school homework by the piles, mostly group projects, making it much more troublesome, and quite recently I've added RPG Maker back in the list. I woke up today with a brilliant idea for a game possible to make in RPG Maker, and I can still link it to my in-the-works Legend of Punks, and I am so proud of myself for coming up with something so amazing that I want to do it but there just isn't time and I am just ._.
Someone said that even comparing me to other guys with multiple skills, I have appeal because I'm special and unique. And that made me d'aww. I really want to see how I am from outside me LOL

17th May - Dependence

After handing up our assignments after school today, the party took on the daily ritual of going to my house every Friday. Ashley wanted to watch me play Assassin's Creed 3 and fail badly at it, so I obliged. Assassin's Creed is fun, but I can't bring myself to finish the game ever LOL It's really big, I want to do every single side quest, it takes forever. Ashley kicked the open disc button on the Xbox shortly after, and we switched to WarioWare for a short round and then Super Smash Bros. Brawl shortly after, getting the others to play too. I'm actually surprised that they would, normally when I try to recommend Brawl to anyone I fail pretty badly. Lots of screaming, lots of laughing, these are the best ways to play fighting games XD

When they left later, a most peculiar thing happened when I hugged Syai goodbye. It... may have been just me, I couldn't tell because of all the hair, but she might have... kissed my neck? I feel a pressure at the side of my neck, and I didn't know what to think. It's not like I'm disgusted or hate it or anything, it's just... now I feel more confused about what to do. This lass is dependent on me. I don't return her feelings, yet if I don't show minimally this much attention to her, she gets on unstable trains of thought and might even spiral down to suicide. Her life has become my responsibility. Uwah, it's a lot of pressure, being responsible for someone else's life. It never ends with me, huh. The girls that like me are those that are emotionally dependent. I mean, I know that relationships are about depending on each other, but when it's a one-way street, there's just so much pressure on one end, it's terrible. If I were in a relationship like that, I'd be too uncomfortable worrying about what to say, rather than enjoying the relationship. Several people in my class are so dependent on other people to build an image of themselves, rather than doing it themselves. I hope they can learn to build their own image, their existence becoming dependent on their own willpower.

Someone in Singapore has found my blog. I'm now a bit insecure. Someone googled my blog address. Uwah, it was supposed to be secret, how did anyone find it?! Who is it? God damn, AAAAAA

16th May - Anymore

We had to explore some artsy places in and around Outram Park today for Design Fundamentals. One of the shitty parts was having to get in a group, because I wanted take a video of the whole trip as a 'zombie apocalypse' instead of an art tour. Of course, looking at it now, listening to my terrible recorded voice, I can deem this as a failure. A bit worried for my project now, hope I can salvage it by just... kicking out the audio. This trip was quite beneficial overall though. Lots of chances to increase friendship points all around. In the end I was threatened with failure were I not in a group, so I begged Gillian and Bunninez to let me in theirs. Yay. But now what.

It's actually rather amusing to see the drama surrounding the lovebirds Shawn and Joey increase. Being the victim of the OTP Zombies not so long ago, I empathize with how they feel being teased by everyone, but not joining in is the maximum of my capability. I'm enjoying everyone's ways of teasing too much to try and stop them HAHAHA Joey did say that I'm the second best person to hang out with, and aww, that's such a big compliment for me. I'll continue trying to be this dramatic, charisma-oozing, annoying prick as the years go on.

Syai is starting to enter a dangerous state of mind. I'm worried for her. The mystery of where the blood on her pen knife came from was revealed. It came from her palm. I... I am no good with feelings, I cannot begin to feel what she's feeling. I don't know the cause either, so I can't give advice. Apparently she disappeared earlier on too, and from her twitter posts it seemed she wanted to commit suicide. I can only hug her. Try to make her feel okay. Tell her to stop hurting herself. But this is it. I can't do anything past this. I'm helpless. And these hugs that I can give, they can only having an effect for so long. I'd be lucky if it worked once or twice more now. I want to tell her that she can live her life anew from this point on, she's in Poly, but I don't know how to throw it in a way it's so impactful for her she would stop all her self-hate. I fear what if I'm the cause of her suffering?

15th May - Curves

I really shouldn't be online at this time of night, but recently because of Phillip DeFranco with his featuring of that SourceFed gal's underwear poster, and then going further into his channel to see his new hot intern as well features of Jessica Nigiri, Lisa Ramos and OOOOOOHHH MY GOD MELANIE IGLESIAS. She is sooooo fine. Phillip DeFranco has proven to me that you can be gentlemanly while appreciating hot chicks, and suddenly he's so much more of a role model for me.

Today was the first day of the Japanese Club's Manga division. They handed us a blank piece of paper and I drew on it myself, with extensive use of hatching and speed lines. Ink and everything. When some others saw it later on, they were all '*cries*', and it made me feel kind of unwelcome already. I mean, I know that they're impressed, but... with this, I've kinda set in stone my place where I can't fit in. They'll try to chill but they'll never be honest with me. This is one of the cons of being a 'perfect guy', huh...

This is really bringing up my insecurities all over again. I really am different. Isabelle said I'm always the advisor of the group, giving... well, advice to all the depressed little kiddies. True, but that's all I can do. Were there come a time a friend needs someone to feel sad for them, to be there with them, to support them, I... would be terrible at that. As much as logic frees me and opens up my mind to so many methods and processes, it also binds and chains me down from being able to feel as much as regular people do. This is probably how love appears like to me as well though. I've noticed when I'm with an attractive girl, I will notice them, I will try to get their attention, but when I'm alone and I think about it, I... feel so neutral towards it. Towards love. Towards relationships. I see couples talk about having fun together. I get jealous for awhile. Like, a moment. Then it's gone. Back to doing other stuff. I fear being alone forever yet I can't seem to see myself finding a girlfriend. I know that I shouldn't think so much about this 'feeling matter' but what if I do something stupid if I didn't? *sigh*
I need moneys too. Driving lessons are expensive. I want to buy shit. But that's expensive too.

14th May - Graduation

Today was my graduation ceremony! Apart from the monotony of the ceremony itself, with the wearing of the stiff gowns and the sitting and waiting and the formalities, it was a welcome closure to the journey that was my ITE life.

I left class early and changed into my dress shirt and tie before I left with Jun Cheng for ITE. God damn, it was so stuffy! Shirleen tackled me from behind shortly afterward, god, it's so good to see this darling gal again,especially after basking in the... diverse environment of my class, her snapbacks to reality and straightforwardness was very welcome. The old clique, the "family", all over again. Of course I felt that out-of-place feel again, but this time it wasn't deliberate. My brain probably imprinted this behavior when I'm with them. But at least this time around I was able to let loose a little bit more, to stop worrying like a little bitch about what I look like and be the true me, because it was alright. And alright is good.

Mom came to the ceremony later on, and she saw a few of my achievements shown up on the screen before meeting me after I got my certificate and camwhoring with me right in the middle of nowhere. Ahahaha, a pity she had to leave so early. Photos and videos were shown of our journey in ITE, and I got a little emotional inside. Clearly not as much as Shirleen though, seeing how she cried. I really should've burst into tears too, these were... very, very good times.

When we were dismissed out later, seeing all the parents with their kids all happy and like, I cringed inside. I was a tad jealous, seeing dads and moms being really proud of their kids there. Mom was proud of me too, but she's busy, and I understand, but I still get a bit envious. But then, I was called back by my friends to camwhore and screw around. None of them had family over too. I wasn't alone. This is my "family" too. I felt a lot better. With this conclusion, will the paths we take begin to diverge further? I will miss these people, and I will miss these moments.

13th May - Detection

I'm quite glad I'm actually pretty good friends with some peeps. Ashley in particular. Both of us are fucking retarded. I enjoy his company very much. I really should've grouped up with him for Principles of Game Design. We had to group up in teams of three, and me and Ashley joined up at first to do Zelda. But no-fucking-anyone else plays Zelda. Then Gillian and Inez invited me to their group cos' they wanted to do Final Fantasy. And I was like, woah, gamer girls passionate about Final Fantasy? Shit I'm in! And I ditched Ashley, much to my regret afterward after I found out Gillian and Inez both don't actually play the games, they just fucking fangirl over the Square Enix-level graphics hot guys. Oh god. I managed to convince them to change to a game that at least two out of the three of us play, that is, Super Smash Bros. Brawl. Me and Inez play the shit out of it, and we'd probably have to badger Gillian into it too. It feels like I'm carrying this team though. I'm the one doing all the typing and the classifying, and the instructions. And when I let them do it I see all the typos and shit and I'm like UUUUUGGGHHHH. It'd be nice to work in a team of just all mes. That'll be like the maximum productivity team. Once we get past the procrastination.

Gillian broke down later on in class today too. And Syai was right on it, comforting her. I had no idea what's going on, I couldn't possibly ask. I mean, that'll be like I'm interrogating her all over again. She came back later fine, but I found clean blood on Syai's penknife. I thought it might be Syai cutting but her forearm seemed to be fine (on first glance?). She might've helped Gillian cut, but... I couldn't see anything either. Geez, I feel so helpless. I've noticed multiple people in class with their depression issues. Some with good reason, some less. Gillian and Syai both tire from life, Ashley is on the road to recovery from his new beginnings here, Wei Qiang not really that depressed but just seeking attention, Isabelle, with the newfound knowledge of her boyfriend losing the love, Joey with her inner loneliness, amongst a few others. You know, it's so stupid. The limitations that I have realized. I can only tell if people are distressed, but I suck, absolutely suck, at solving the problem. A person like me, with multiple talents gained from my Realization of Self, can't possibly begin to understand and empathize with the average person. I can't comfort them, I have zero idea how they feel. For myself, I break everything else down to a logic and it works out fine, but nobody else works by that way, and my solutions are invalid. I'm just a metal detector, not a minesweeper.

12th May - Guesses

I've already made some regrettable decisions over the course of this weekend, god dammit. During a conversation with Joey, there was this moment I couldn't resist my prediction skills. My SCAN Psycho-Skill and general guessing ability. I described what I saw in her submerged personality and also deduced that she was picking her lip during the conversation. And I nearly got them both correct. Which impressed... myself. I mean, every time I do this and I get it correct, I always impress myself. BUT FUUUUUCK, I was supposed to be normal and not stand out! Me being able to draw already makes me stand out, yet I've already lectured Nas like real mature like, joined 10 clubs, showed an ability to rap, and now I revealed my fucking Psycho-Skill?! SHIIT!! I'm just sticking out like a sore thumb more and more! I wanted to fit in this time around! And now... And now... Q_Q Now everyone'll see me differently... They'll treat me all friendly-like, but what if in their heads they're all seeing me as superior and they'll never be honest with me? I'm so worried...

Yet even with my omnipotent mind reading combination skills, I still can't solve everyone's problems as much as I'd like. Recently Wei Qiang's been groaning about being depressed and emo and needing someone to talk to. And as much as the solution to his wallowing is as clear as fucking day to me, I just can't seem to bring myself to go help him. He really seems like he's fishing for sympathy, and god, do I hate those kinds of people. Their mindsets are so straightforward and transparent it's annoying D: He's either really lonely and needs someone to talk to, or he's had a girl that has caught his attention and he's hoping for her pity. Either way, is the opportunity arises that I have to take action, it's really simple. Then there's Gillian, who counts on me as her 'gan', which is like a brother... of sorts? She's tired of life. Tired of everything. She's been keeping all her hardships bottled up inside and wants to implode, but I can't seem to get any information out of her, because she says that she's tired of 'everything'. I... am at a loss. I think this is where girls make better listeners than guys. I'm not sure at all how to approach it. I'm so used to tackling and deducing a situation based on their mindsets and the hints I'm given, but when such a crucial moment appears and all I can do is disturb her more with my interrogation... I really feel like shit. I need to revise my psychological approaches if I want to help more people.

8th May - Molehills

I didn't have school today, but I went anyway. I had Japanese club activities at 3pm, but it appeared some of my friends were in school, so I decided to head down. Ashley, Syai, Jeff and Nas were there. Ugh, Nas. He really blew things up today. There was a Dance Central competition going on, and he wanted to win that Xbox 360. The thing is, he had the high score until we went down a second time to see a girl reach an extremely insane score of 3,000,000. At that point he really snapped. I tried the game again with him, but he didn't reach remotely close, probably because he was playing on Beginner. Either way, he totally blew up on the way to the 5th floor, where Syai and him needed to go for their interview. Blaming the people running the booth for not telling him he could choose his difficulty. Whining and bitching and basically throwing the blame anywhere but on himself. Oh god, I raised my voice and told him to stop it, that if he wanted the prize so bad he could just go back and play again and again. Syai was the unfortunate witness of it all, and I'm sorry to have raised my voice around the poor timid girl. Eventually I argued enough for him to calm down. And then he started going on about people hating him (with good reason). I gave him some advice, tips and philosophies on how to make himself more likable. I made up a few stories, but so long as he got it. I hope.

Syai reported to everyone that I snapped. I didn't! I wasn't angry the least bit. I just raised my voic- okay fine, maybe I did get frustrated a little bit. I suppose this is what me 'snapped' looks like to people whom I've only showed my calm, calculative side. Oh, the day when I get genuinely angry. I've been reflecting on my lack of feelings a lot, and I think that I'm just bottling them inside. That I have an automatic bottle-up-my-emotions function, so I don't get really upset, or dejected, or desperate. One day, that dam will burst. And all of emotions will wreck havoc on my mind so hard I can't even fathom what I would do then. And I pray that day doesn't come.

Back on love forecast, I find Joey very, very attractive, the way she's so expressive. Again, I'm not going for a relationship just yet, but I'm just realizing that expressive girls really nab my attention. Aww yeah.

7th April - Ooze

Today seemed to pass fine. Syai was awkward at first, but my super casual skills mellowed her out. I didn't see her for the first half of the day because she was called away by the teach. I hanged out with the clique with the new addition of Jeff, who fought me in Pokemon last night, and won some and lost some. He's actually a pretty cool guy, I found out we actually play a lot of the same games. Awesome.

The rest of it was me spending time trying to compose a rap for Comm Skills and a script for Social Etiquette. Composing music is actually some hard shit. But at least I know how Epic Rap Battles makes their rhymes now. It's not actually as long as it sounds. But blegh, rhyming. After I saw Syai, I passed her some Vaseline to coat her cuts, after the explaining to the rest of my classmates who knew what the other common use of Vaseline is.

Well, the main thing is that we're still friends. She's a bit more affectionate now, but our friendship isn't jeopardized. I'm a bit worried about other ladies not wanting to approach me now because they want to give Syai space. I mean, sure I'm not hunting for a relationship at the moment, like I've said many times. But if I'm going to wait like a year or two, by then if this keeps up everyone might have found targets elsewhere than the guy that turned down Syai because they wanted to respect their sis.

Ayye... The negative feelings are flowing back again. Must've been the mention of me being a perfect guy. I'm lonely. Not just in relationships, but in the world. I can't find an equal quite like me. And it's... so upsetting. I act like I'm always happy, but I let my mind slip from optimistic thoughts for one moment, and all this self-hate comes back. Maybe everyone else's pity-fishing depression is affecting me all over again.
I'm starting a new habit of spending an hour on the bass and one hour drawing every day. I need to spend time on things that matters once again

6th May - Acceptance

Today I was let slip by my friends that Syai likes me. And she knew. She knew that they let me know. She knew that I know. And so she got really depressed. Maybe it's because now that I know I ruined the moment. Or maybe it's because she felt betrayed by her friends. Either way, it's not their fault. I mean, I kinda figured it back then. I played dumb all this time because, well, if you liked someone, would you want them to know when you're not ready to let it be known? This event was to happen eventually, anyway. It was inevitable. Although I wasn't really sure what to do. I don't reciprocate. I can't reciprocate. Joey said I had too high standards, and I suppose I have to agree. That my fucked up analytic mind measures the pros and cons way too much for me to even judge by my feelings. Still, I tried my best to comfort her. She's my friend. And even though this event happened, no matter how it happened, and this result were to occur, she would've wanted things to be the same, and I'll respect that. Honestly, you'd really have to be a dick to start shunning a girl after she has confessed to you. Well, uh, I suppose I'm guilty of that too, but I didn't like the company of that other girl before she confessed to me anyway. Ugh. Yeah, Calvin, you're a real hypocrite.

After the emotional outbursts, I managed to get back on regular talking and joking terms with her. Many of them questioned 'What am I going to do now? How will you treat Syai?' And I told them all the same thing. That nothing will change. They worry about her falling harder for me, but if I had to choose between her unrequited admiration and being a dick, I'd definitely choose the former. But hohoho, from this event Joey said that I'm like the perfect guy, in looks, personality, everything. Awww, that's such a compliment. I know I have a chock full of flaws within. I just can't describe them. And besides, the perfect guy is not what any girls wants. They want someone with obvious flaws like them, so they can compliment each other. I'm just a novelty at this point, with all the skills and abilities I had trained and obtained over these years. It's quite upsetting, really.
Oh boy, it seems like my life is revolving around love all over. Time for me to steer it back to my pursuit of being a Game Designer.

5th May - Omission

I uploaded my drawing of Darren's drawing that I was doing since last night. Along with a photo of my new bass. What I did not expect was that the bass would attract so much attention. I had worked a good 8 hours or so on the drawing, and I took a second to take a photo of the Bass, and the drawing only got like, what, 3 likes? And the bass has a plethora. I mean, seriously, what, why? Q_Q The drawing, it iz beautiful, why do you not appreciate?

Really all I did in the day was procrastinate my work. I had a little left, but I downloaded a chock of iPhone games in the morning because so many were on sale, and... well actually they were all disappointing, but still I spent the day lying on my bed playing those. Then some S4 League. And then by the influence of my classmates, I picked up Homestuck again.

Homestuck is amazing. Although the medium in which they showed this series is quite shit, the creativity in the story itself is... wow. No detail is left out, I'm halfway through Act 2 and I can kind of see how the paradoxes in the past and future kind of connect. There's decent amounts of foreshadowing, enough to pique your interest, yet not too much to spoil everything. And how the systems in the story work together with each other, how they can't pick up items normally but are bound by the laws of their captchalogues and shit. The creator of this has to either be a genius or an eccentric lunatic, I swear.

I hate paints. I'm supposed to do shades of a color, but everytime I try to get a darker red I get either Magenta or Brown. What gives...?!

How is one supposed to act when they know someone likes them? I know Syai likes me, I don't see her in the same way. But still, I suppose it is rather obvious, but were I to reveal that I managed to put 2 and 2 together, it would ruin the moment for her, wouldn't it? She's a good friend, I'll just continue on as I have.

4th May - Infatuation

Today there was the May the Fourth be with you Star Wars event in school, I decided to go, on behest of my classmates bugging me. I actually rather enjoyed it, seeing how I never actually did watch Star Wars. Me and my Poly friends left for lunch at AMK Hub after that. Shirleen and the rest wanted to come over today, so a while later I left the group. And when I met up with my old ITE friends, I really noticed the huge difference in how I interact with them. Maybe it's because my Poly friends speak mostly English, and this bunch mostly Chinese, but I do not know whether to be upset or happy that I'm currently enjoying the company of my Poly friends more than my ITE friends. Does this come with knowing each other for a long time? I felt like such a bad host, playing Zohan, which I enjoy, and we didn't actually do anything fun the whole day really.

Back on the Facebook chat, the class tackles love, and how I'm such an adorable motherfucker but still single. And it baffled everyone, how I just don't perceive the concept of love as easily as they do. I mean, it's  been only 3 weeks, how can you possibly know someone enough to know that you're in love with them? It's so bizarre. Darren got into a relationship too, and wow, congratulations to him, but really? Will this last, knowing them only this long? You haven't seen how they react through crises, or how they really are inside. Do they snap violently under pressure? Do they have inner wounds they'd rather not show? Personally I think all these are important, which is why I'm single right now. I mean, from the hints I'm gathering, Syai likes me. She's a good friend and all, and I never really saw her past that. What's more, I suspect her just getting out of a bad relationship is why she's showing so much affection. But had I been as hasty to jump into a relationship as some others I know, I would be with a girlfriend now, but at the same time, it probably wouldn't last. I'm not dating anyone until I've known them at least... I don't know, half a year, give or take? It really depends on the situations that happen in between. And even if a girl I do end up fancying confesses to me before then, unfortunately I'm going to have to reject until I know more. I'm... such a boring robot of a person. But I just can't resist the need to bind logic to everything in my life, even love, whom people say you should just feel, not think about. I don't know about that...

1st May - Conversation

Today's Darren's birthday! Truth is, I wanted to spend the day rotting at home, but I thought, you know, on Tommy's birthday we really celebrated the shit out of it. Darren was the one that introduced me to Tommy, I should really do something for him too. I couldn't really think of anything, and anything I could buy, he sure could afford a lot easier than I can. With no plan, I decided to go out with Feebee first, since Vincent didn't want to wake up after watching the Champion's League late last night. Maybe I've just gotten used to being around girls shorter than me now, but Feebee seems a lot taller. I started off by talking about school and stuff. About how I came across Joey's tweets about a cute guy winking at her and she exploded internally and she wanted to strike up a conversation but she was too shy. And that guy was me. The day was Wednesday too. I was feeling cheeky that day. We made eye contact and I winked, just like how Vincent told me he did when he made eye contact with random girls he had never seen before. HAHAHAHA This is the first time I've made a lady react like that towards me. I'm really, really amazed XDD Had there actually been more girls in my class, I would really be in a serious dilemma on who to talk to. NOT THAT MY ENTIRE SCHOOL LIFE IS ABOUT GIRLS. IT'S JUST WHENEVER THE OPPORTUNITY ARISES EVERY NOW AND THEN. Back to Feebee, I realized I ran out of conversation topics really fast. I like talking to people one on one, but I suck at keeping conversations flowing. When Vincent came, it got a lot better because he could say something and I could continue it. And even when we were both quiet it was a lot less awkward. But still, I wish I could be like, really social with anyone, not just Vincent. Even if it's just the two of us I can make the other laugh and never run out of interesting things to talk about. I did talk with Syai about the different types of people I've observed before, like those that are good at starting conversations, those that are good at continuing, those who just agree, those who strike at witty moments, those that are critical and rather'd be alone, and even though I think I do a fine job with my people watching hobby, I still can't help some of my friends who seem to have problems. They do post that they're hurting, and I want to help, but I have no idea how to get them to talk to me. I talk. They tell me they're not in the mood. D'oh, I fucked up. OTL Is there a right answer out there?