26th February - Ambitions

So I went to school yesterday to grab some stuff from the computers that I left behind, and ended up teasing my juniors for a lot longer than I expected. I sat around, chatted with Mr. Victor, and I ended up being an assistant teacher, hahahaha.

After the class left, me and Mr. Victor talked about various topics. About improving ourselves, how the internet has made learning easier, the competition out there, beating the competition, working in a team, working skills, the industry etc. It was a really fulfilling talk. Lots of inspirational stories about his contacts, and about himself. It's nice to know that someone's wishing for me to do well. And I'll do him proud! Soon he can start boasting about Calvin, the greatest Game Designer in the world :D

He showed me the Final Year Project of the group he was supervising, and asked for my opinion. And honestly, it was... really bad. And he agreed on being disappointed. The theme was hard to begin with, but even the graphics and gameplay were terrible. And he asked me how it could be improved. If I were the one who got this theme, how would I have made the game? Oh. Wow. A teacher asking me for advice. I felt really, really, really fucking honored. Although I didn't have a clear solution, I told him about what he should be aiming for with this game theme (which is, saving animals), and to take the best path for the game to invoke emotions in players such that they want to follow the game's message. I don't know if that helped his dilemma, but he did mention that I could come back and be a supervisor for the next Final Year Project. Oh wow. People do think highly of me..

I'm now the Manga Artist for an S4 League manga. Truth is, I have half a mind to quit the team. Clearly no one is experienced, and I would probably do much better on my own. But I'll see how it goes. If I end up doing majority of the work, I don't think I'd be willing to credit them in the end. I'm such a dick...

23rd February - It's The End

It's the end of ITE. The last day of school was yesterday. We've submitted everything. My life now has no purpose. I feel so empty inside. I don't know what to do now. I've spent the whole day today loafing around both at Vincent's house and at my own.

After school yesterday we went to Zhi Xian's house for a steamboat dinner. Unfortunately, there was no beef. But the company made the food taste better. Us sitting around a table, eventually we began to bring up old events that happened throughout our course in ITE. Gossiped a bit about people we hate. Told stories. We laughed. We ate. We had fun. Yeah...

To think that 2 years passed so fast. I never thought that I'd miss ITE. I couldn't fathom why my ITE friends would miss it when they were about to graduate and go to the 'supposedly' better Polytechnic, but now I know. No matter where you are, you can make memories. And you can cherish them. You can make friends. And once you leave, you will miss them. Because friends eventually will drift apart. You might stay friends maybe for a few months. Maybe a year or two. Maybe just a week, before you forget about him/her altogether. But eventually, time will make us forget. And we'll go on with our lives, possibly not meeting the other party again. Come the Game Packaging test on March 7, and our graduation ceremony, those might be the last times we might ever see each other. After that, we might make new friends, and forget about the times we spent in ITE. The idea itself is sad. Yet, when it happens, we'll all pay it zero heed. And that's what frightens me. I've had fun with the people I met here. Wesley, with his great humor and charisma. Zi Sheng, my partner who's stood by me throughout. Shirleen, the only person ever to win me constantly in arguments. Gavin, a shy, unnoticed talent. Rai, the amazing copy artist. Zuhayr, always full of nonsense.
These memories that I've made here are irreplaceable. I can only hope that I will never forget them. And for them not to forget me. So that perhaps, one day, we might bump into each other in the future.

21st February - Enjoyment

I decided to be a little bit more social today, and I do feel a lot better. Screaming over Warcraft (which I suck at quite terribly) and laughing with classmates cheered my mood up very much. The last stretch of the Final Year Project, and the second last day of school. I told some of my juniors too. The ones I know, anyway. I did want to act like a senior and take care of my baby juniors. And little Meki is so cute HAHAHA her voice is totally not what I expected.

Gavin churning out the final model. Justin slacking as usual. Me doing the Game Design Document and forcing Shirleen to try her hand at coloring. Seeing her shade reminds me of when I first started, I would've shaded the exact same parts. I shouldn't have talked praise right in front of her though. Gah, I'm supposed to be a strict instructor! The more fun I had, the more it hit me, like just now, how this is all going to be gone, very soon. Come the end of tomorrow, it's the end of ITE. I never thought I'd miss it as much as I do now. I thought I'd just be looking forward to Poly all the way, but... damn. Latin Dance club seems like it's going to crash and burn without me too, even though I'm not that great a dancer but lack of guys increases my value. I'm probably going to get dragged back every now and then OTL

Then there's Jodie, apparently she got quite suicidal today. I gave her a call and she calmed down, I think. Probably because it's me. I don't feel very good abusing my position and power, but... it was a moral dilemma. *sigh*

Tomorrow... is the last day of ITE. The last day. Save for the Game Packaging exam. But... last day. Damn. So... fast. 2 years passed so fast. I'll really miss this place. I've made a lot friends here. And ITE really isn't what people think it is on the inside. It really is a great place. I live nearby, so I can still visit. But being here would forever be an irreplaceable experience. Time to go to sleep. Gotta enjoy my last day of school.

20th February - Friends

What are friends? The level of what people define as friends seem to change per person. As for me, friends are like people whom I can talk to when I have worries. That's pretty crucial. If I just have fun with you guys, you would just be good acquaintances. Well, that's how I define it, anyway. When one of the cliques I'm in (actually, I'm pretty much in all the cliques) asked me why I haven't been replying in Whatsapp, I had no answer. Truth is, I don't feel like I fit in. I had come up for excuses for myself like me being afraid of making them feel inferior (that's also part true), but as a whole, I just didn't feel like I fit in. A very odd feeling. I want friends. But I find it hard to form friendships. Some people casually do it, for me, it's somewhat more serious. Perhaps I'm just making life harder for myself by giving myself more requirements, but... AAAGH, it's hard to explain. I think it's really important. Deep down.

Back to making people feel inferior, I find myself at a lack of tasks to give the inexperienced Shirleen. If I could, I would give her Justin's job. Because he's lazy as hell. As much as I don't want to give him a hard time, he's been on the same assignment for 4 months now. He may have some pride as an artist, and I may have trampled over it with some hurtful words, but I really am frustrated with him, thinking being a dick in general is cool. Myself, I'm tasked with lots of 2D artwork, so... If only Shirleen could pick up some skill, maybe it'd be easier to give her work. She's waiting for work all the time. But I can't give anything to her because of the average skill level needed to keep up to our standards. I wonder how she's been feeling, all this time being in this group. *sigh* I feel really guilty. It's not just her. Even in today's Game Packaging mock test, I couldn't keep my bragging mouth shut, huh. As soon as I was done I had to fucking announce it. What a dumbass. No one needs to be reminded about how different I am from them. God dammit... I'm in this state where I really hate myself right now.

I found some old drawings in the cupboard. I've come a long way. I want to improve but I don't want to go on alone... Such a dilemma.

19th February - Inferiority

My Final Year Project's presentation was today. People were relatively impressed. I'm quite glad we put BGM in, it sure caught a lot of attention. And so after the presentation, everyone was going 'YEAAAH FYP'S OVER YEAAAAH' and went on to play games. And then... there was me. And I'm blogging about this right now because clearly I don't feel the same sentiment. I mean, we only barely finished one part of the game. And most of it is for show too. Doctored User Interfaces that I did and hoped no one would notice. Should I really be happy that... even though it's over, we only made it this far? We did come a long way, but we could've gone further. The faults that I could've fixed. If I had composed a better task list at the beginning. If I had went ahead pushing everyone to follow the schedule. If I had known the limitations of the programming side. If I had prioritized what to do first. There was a lot of wasted effort in this project. Gavin's loads of animations especially. He really did a lot, and he nowadays he actually seems to be enjoying modelling, and it really, really pleases me when as soon as he's done with one task he'd eagerly ask me for something else to do. And then there's Shirleen. Amongst all of us, she's grown the most over this project. From having no strengths to being able to barely keep up with the rest of us. Sure, she still whines when given any assignment, but she's good enough for me to leave her alone with the faith she'll do a relatively decent job. And Justin... he's still a dick. He has skills, but no work ethic. Yeah... we worked really hard over the course of this project, and a lot of the effort didn't get to show.

My other worries include how other people view me. I've been taking more pride in my own skills improving too, but have I been making people feel inferior? Gavin has always looked up to me, Shirleen apparently has a somewhat high opinion of me, Jun Cheng's occasionally watching me from behind. They've brought me to realize that I might look bigger in everyone else's eyes. But... am I making them feel inferior? That's the last thing I could possibly want. I just want to be normal, like everyone else. To be on the same eye-level... Is it possible to crave the world stage and be average at the same time...?

17th February - Parting

Went to the Manga Festival today. I brought Jodie out as well, to thank her for the favors she's done so far. So I guess you could call it a date...? I wasn't particularly proactive or anything, though. I was mostly minding my own business. I'd be a terrible boyfriend in the future, hahaha. But having company for once was nice, even if it's with a girl whose feelings I don't reciprocate. Took my mind off schoolwork for a bit.

The Manga Festival was... actually quite disappointing. But I suppose even if it was bigger not a lot of people would've arrived. It was a small room, with bookshelves stacked with manga, unfortunately in Japanese. There was a table that had a bunch of devices loaded with their e-Manga program. You could say this event was really solely for advertising their app. That's what it seemed like to me. Some of the Vocaloid arts on the walls were pretty impressive though. Coloring techniques I'd like to try out soon. I filled out a survey and got some free stuff, then me and Jodie headed to Kinokuniya to shop for Manga to support Manga Artists, as per what the festival was promoting too. But then the dilemma of how buying manga here would help support Manga Artists all the way in Japan when the publishing companies are totally different came up, and I ended up not buying anything. 

So we went in search for a Mcdonalds, but we forgot on Sundays, most domestic workers have their off day, and Orchard was crowded with them. We left for Toa Payoh to eat instead. Jodie kept bugging me to bring her somewhere fun, like a real couple's date, although the idea of that itself doesn't exactly register in my mind. Either way, we ended up sitting in Mcdonalds, eating, and then talking about apocalypses and robots and zombies and aliens. It was more interesting than I thought, talking to this girl whom I've rejected before like a regular friend. Still, this "date" was the last thing that we agreed to go out of our way to do. She needs to get over me, and I've slightly numbed the pain with this outing today. I still feel... kind of guilty, but... matters of the heart aren't really ever that simple. People fall in love all the time, and I'm still here trying to comprehend it :/

15th February - Lost

It's quite stupid how sometimes, when you lie to yourself, you end up believing it. I've been wanting to be alone for quite a while now. Initially it was because I just didn't want to engage in stupid conversation with anyone, but then some reasons began bubbling and surfacing, and it's just made me want to be alone even more. I'm in no mood to have fun, or even try to.

This Final Year Project is finally coming to an end. It's not the ending I wanted, though. Not as many things were completed as I thought. And I can't help but feel that if I had been more responsible earlier on, we might have gotten a lot more done. If I didn't skimp on making a schedule and task list. If I had properly prioritized the order of work we had to get done. If I hadn't wasted time asking my teammates to do things that wouldn't show up in the end. All this wasted effort, wasted product, wasted time. As the leader and Game Designer, the fault is mostly mine for not coming up with a proper system. Nnnghh... With only one more working day left, I don't know if there's anything else we can do at this point to catch up...

Visiting an animation company on the excursion today didn't help much too. As much as it got me excited about the working world after I graduate, it opened my eyes to the level of work out there. In fact, it's not even way out there either. The things I saw that amazed me were things done here. In Singapore. This small ass country. Who can tell what kind of gods are out there on the global stage. And how am I supposed to get ready for it? I can't even manage a small school project group. This realization has thrown my cocky, self-confidence boosting mood out of the window. That all this time when I thought I could take on the world, and I can't even finish one fucking game. Tch. I... don't know. I don't know what I should do now.

I want to talk to somebody, so I don't have to wreck my brain alone. But at the same time, I want to be alone to contemplate this. I... don't know... what I want anymore.

11th February - Special

Lunar New Year! I've been getting my share of ang paos to replenish my gradually diminishing money supply. You know, since I don't have a job, so my money-saving and Chinese New Year is what funds me for the whole year. Yesterday, there was a reunion dinner with the family. Nothing significant. Eating. Going home. Sleeping. Armoured Core V. Today, everyone came to our house to party though. Together with Vincent and Jodie. Despite all the people there, Jodie wasn't hindered from showing her affection for me. Leaning on my shoulder, kissing me on the cheek, random hugs, mounting me on the bed. Uhm. Ahem. I'm not very sure if I'm doing the right thing as a person who's rejecting her. I'm trying to be nice but she's... obsessed. Especially when Felicia came. And after a long time of not seeing her, our reunion was started with Felicia attacking me for making her stutter the name of the guy she admires. This made Jodie rush back home in a jealous rage or something. I'm not very sure what the right decision should have been. Should I have shown compassion? Pity? I can't stop her affection for me, but I don't think I can return them either, and any misunderstandings and overreactions she comes upon really isn't my business, but I can't help but feel guilty.

After everyone left, me, Vince and Felicia ended up having a nice best friend chat. Something we haven't had in awhile, I suppose. Since me and Vincent had thought we had exhausted all possible conversation topics, adding Felicia into the mix with her own worries stirred up more secrets we had about ourselves. Vincent being sure that he's bisexual, for one. Both of them have had experience with previous romantic partners, as well as their record of making out with people. And even though I'm a horny ass motherfucker, I'm still bloody bodily pure. Like, first kiss still here kind of pure. Which is kinda shameful with all the shit I spout, ahahaha. I just haven't found anyone special enough for me to give it to, as much as my curiosity beckons me. But I felt somewhat out of place in this conversation. I couldn't give any relationship advice, because I had none. Being special is the same as being different. And being different is the same as being lonely.

7th February - Attention

Today was overall, not a bad day. The morning was pretty bad though. I woke up at 6AM without warning. I think my sore throat bothered me with either pain, or began catching all my saliva and started drowning me in it. I should've told my mom about this earlier. She gave me another set of drugs and... well, it felt a lot better. Especially the painkiller, it really helped. Although my dexterity was fucked up the rest of the day. I dropped things a lot, kept missing things, basically I became several times more clumsy.

Finished my Game Packaging assignment, so now I have time to catch up on the ones I didn't do prior. Although, I spent most of the rest of the school day playing Chaos Rings on the iPhone instead. Ahh, procrastinating me. Mr Victor lectured me on my not doing any work to let the programming team catch up, and that I should not let the coding side pull me down, the rest should be used in my portfolio. I get where he's coming from, but... I fail to grasp the concept of doing extra work when it'll never show up in the final product. Portfolio... I can do other things for that. I... I don't know. Either way, it seems I'll be spending time doing some concept art for each character. I've been thinking of doing that for quite a while now, anyway.

Seems I've been attracting some attention of my own. Both desirable and... well, creepy. It seems like the days back when I was a pretty creepy guy (because we don't learn how to hit on girls nicely in All-Boys schools) have been long gone. Although I still don't know how to read the signs, and I think I'm still in the friendzone (which I still find very comfortable... in comparison to creepzone), but girls seem a lot more... friendly towards me. Hmmmmmmm~ ... And then there's a 31-year old guy in Latin Dance who's called me Hot, Cute and Handsome, and has been grabbing my wrist out of nowhere "supposedly" to check my watch. I don't know whether he's just overly-friendly or really gay and preying on my sweet bum, but he's really creeping me out. I'm trying to be a nice senior but I'm... scared.
Apparently he creeps out everyone whose number he has obtained. Is he just some teen predator?

6th January - Depth

I've been spitting out so much phlegm (residual phlegm, the doctor says it is) that my throat is now inflamed as fuck. I just used a flashlight in the mirror to check the inside of my mouth. I have to swallow all the time, and each swallow makes me cringe up cos' it hurts so bad. There's so much pain my mind is numbing, and I space out sometimes for no reason, and I only notice like, minutes later. Also, this abnormal fatigue is probably because this disease is stressing out my mind.

I made so many spelling errors and typos up til' this point already. That's how fucked up I am.

Tommy has gone home. We went out drinking the second last day, found a nice bar where me and Darren just experimented with drinks, and Tommy got his usual Jack Coke. Just shitted around for like, a good hour. It was a good bar. The atmosphere was nice, we could sit there just talking and joking around. Unfortunately we didn't know how the order thing was supposed to go, we could've gotten a free cocktail but Jack Coke doesn't count as a cocktail so...

The next day we went out with Tania and Feebee. I joined in late because of conjunctivitis in the morning. You see? You see how fucked up I am? One symptom after another, it's terrible! Played a bit of arcade, before retiring back to ye old TommyCave to scream over Persona again XD

I didn't get to send him back, cos' I had school. I did draw him a picture as a birthday present though.

Back to school matters, I need to get my bass fixed before that performance shit.

Uuuuuuugh, sore throat. Strepsils why aren't you working.