Woah those were some really selfish thoughts I had not too long ago.
Man I'm a terrible person.
This blog shouldn't exist.
Tuesday, June 24, 2014
Thursday, June 19, 2014
19th June - Metaphor
I realized that what she saw in me was a character from her favourite novel.
A wonderful, perfect, romantic story.
It was a sad movie, and I did want to cry, but I couldn't.
I didn't deserve to cry, with the realization that I dashed the dreams and fantasies of someone with my impulses and decisions.
Who am I to have done so. How could I?
I took something that can't be replayed, rewinded. Something that should have been perfect but cannot be experienced again because it'll be a scar on her memories.
I am self-imposing sadness and guilt on myself and I know it. I want to be punished. I want to feel like I've been punished. "Pain demands to be felt".
But I'm too much in control to feel it. I make too much sense of everything around me. My emotions can be automatically logically explained and sorted. This is torture.
I want to lose my mind.
I want to spiral downwards. I want to feel like I'm drowning in my emotions. I want to burst out for no reason. I want to explode at the people I love and care about. I want to go insane.
Just one day, I want to lose it for just one day. I need to lose it.
A wonderful, perfect, romantic story.
It was a sad movie, and I did want to cry, but I couldn't.
I didn't deserve to cry, with the realization that I dashed the dreams and fantasies of someone with my impulses and decisions.
Who am I to have done so. How could I?
I took something that can't be replayed, rewinded. Something that should have been perfect but cannot be experienced again because it'll be a scar on her memories.
I am self-imposing sadness and guilt on myself and I know it. I want to be punished. I want to feel like I've been punished. "Pain demands to be felt".
But I'm too much in control to feel it. I make too much sense of everything around me. My emotions can be automatically logically explained and sorted. This is torture.
I want to lose my mind.
I want to spiral downwards. I want to feel like I'm drowning in my emotions. I want to burst out for no reason. I want to explode at the people I love and care about. I want to go insane.
Just one day, I want to lose it for just one day. I need to lose it.
Wednesday, June 18, 2014
19th June - Envy
I don't know what I want.
I couldn't bear to let myself possibly ruin something so beautiful.
My affinity is so much worse.
It seems like I'm always part of the trio that always becomes a duo and me.
I'm part wishing that why couldn't it stay as it was, and part of me wishes that I was part of that duo.
I'm so conflicted. I don't want to risk anything, I don't want to ruin anything, but I yearn.
Even more so when I know it's not me. Like the whims of a selfish douchebag white fedora-toting kid.
I'm pathetic. I don't want anyone to know I have thoughts like this. It would creep out anyone.
I-
fuck I'm so bitter now.
I just have some time alone to stir in the self-destruction.
I'm such a depressed greedy self-pitying fuck. I hate myself.
I couldn't bear to let myself possibly ruin something so beautiful.
My affinity is so much worse.
It seems like I'm always part of the trio that always becomes a duo and me.
I'm part wishing that why couldn't it stay as it was, and part of me wishes that I was part of that duo.
I'm so conflicted. I don't want to risk anything, I don't want to ruin anything, but I yearn.
Even more so when I know it's not me. Like the whims of a selfish douchebag white fedora-toting kid.
I'm pathetic. I don't want anyone to know I have thoughts like this. It would creep out anyone.
I-
fuck I'm so bitter now.
I just have some time alone to stir in the self-destruction.
I'm such a depressed greedy self-pitying fuck. I hate myself.
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