I realized that what she saw in me was a character from her favourite novel.
A wonderful, perfect, romantic story.
It was a sad movie, and I did want to cry, but I couldn't.
I didn't deserve to cry, with the realization that I dashed the dreams and fantasies of someone with my impulses and decisions.
Who am I to have done so. How could I?
I took something that can't be replayed, rewinded. Something that should have been perfect but cannot be experienced again because it'll be a scar on her memories.
I am self-imposing sadness and guilt on myself and I know it. I want to be punished. I want to feel like I've been punished. "Pain demands to be felt".
But I'm too much in control to feel it. I make too much sense of everything around me. My emotions can be automatically logically explained and sorted. This is torture.
I want to lose my mind.
I want to spiral downwards. I want to feel like I'm drowning in my emotions. I want to burst out for no reason. I want to explode at the people I love and care about. I want to go insane.
Just one day, I want to lose it for just one day. I need to lose it.
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