29th April - Achromatic

I tried tying up my hair today. It was so cool. I could fit the tail through the gap at the back of my hat. So cool. Sooo. Coool.

For some reason, words aren't forming very well in my head right now. I would describe my day how I hanged out with my friends, but it feels so redundant after I've been doing that same shit the past few days. My relationship with my Poly friends is actually getting better though. I haven't been hanging out with Jun Cheng and Melvin much though, I wonder if they feel left out.

There's a guy named Bryan in my class. Tries to be good. Really sucks at it. Judgemental and rude, but has good intentions... I think. I mean, he's trying to make friends, but he sucks at just being a person. And when it comes to talking to girls, he has to mention something sexual, always. He was trying to edge past Gillian to get to the front today, and he said something along the line of 'Please move out of the way or my penis can't fit through.' WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT TO A GIRL?! THAT'S SO UNGENTLEMANLY!! Speaking of ladies, I'm actually surprised that I can make friends with girls without even considering romance now. I mean Gillian, okay, I'm still getting used to talking to her, because I'm not used to girls with not a lot of things in common approaching me first. But Joey, Syai and Liana, I'm so amazed I can be just friends with them. I can joke with them, and I'm not throwing out dirty jokes by the load like I used to do. I've done it! I've gotten over my gynephobia!

I actually look forward to talking with friends with each day. Although I know that these days eventually will pass, and soon we'll really divide into our own cliques like how ITE went, but I want to try and keep everyone together as much as possible. I'll mediate arguments. I'll defend outcasts. I'll do whatever it takes to keep these people together. I don't know how, but I'll deal with every problem right in front of me, right now!

28th April - Amateurs

Only achievement today: I made my art tumblr, finally. Hopefully now it'll increase the traffic to my DeviantArt. Ughh, but today passed by uneventfully. The tumblr set up took a lot longer than I thought it would, and I wanted to finish a piece of art today but I ended up getting distracted by Don't Mess With the Zohan.

Ah, man, the Zohan is great. Apart from it being a brilliant comedy, I like how Zohan, a super strong, god in a man's body, elite counter-terrorist is shown to have dreams absolutely contrary to what he is good at. He liked styling hair, but everyone laughed and called him gay when he told them about it. He threw away his life, faked his death, just to chase his dream, and behind the crazy comedy of this show, I found this really, really inspiring. Why did my mom throw away this movie again?

Recently my class has been really pissed at our Design Fundamentals vice Teacher for spamming the group with music videos and links. So I devised a plan to fight back by having a bunch of us post Rick Rolls in rapid succession hashtagging the lyrics. But what could I have expected from 16 year olds =3= It didn't go as planned, which was such a pity. It was a brilliant plan, I'm quite proud I thought of it. But now I can't use it anymore, because you only can use a prank once. Syai was too enthusiastic and posted too early. Sundram decided to delve off and posted another video instead. The rest were too afraid to join the attack ._. A half-assed attack only leads to a backfire, and now we have more spam than ever. Fantastic.

I'm going to start putting daily exercises back into my daily routine again. I've realized I've pretty much lost all my muscle. I don't need to be buff, I just want to not look like a stick. More and more of my classmates have started going on depression rants about their parents and suicide and stuff. And as much as it ticks me off, I'm trying to be nice, I'm trying to help, but you know, I don't have any cures for immaturity. Was I like this 2 years ago? Hope they grow up soon.

27th April - Blocks

I watched Iron Man 3 with my brother and mom today. Overall, I thought it was a good movie. It was a really good change in pace from the other two. Iron Man 3 portrayed Tony Stark as vulnerable, a human being, over a genius mechanic superhero. Showing that even one of the world's greatest minds would be shaken after being pit against aliens from another dimension, fighting alongside and against demigods and other manners of amazing creatures. But still, some of the points in the movie didn't make sense. Like when the Mark 42 suit was broken, why didn't he just grab another of his suits to fight? He had Mark 5 to 41, all properly combat tested, and he chose to be so attached to that Mark 42. And when he could use Jarvis to remotely control them to his location, he could've done that when he was halfway around the world :\ So, so strange. The scriptwriters didn't think this through.

I accidentally dozed off in my bed after we reached home. Ugh, what a waste of a day. I spent the rest of the evening chatting with my classmates. You know, I've actually been in a pretty good mood over the past two weeks, compared to my days over the holidays. I think that what I lacked most was socializing. I thought that one or two outings with my friends back then would suffice, but even after those I was still gloomy and self-depreciating. This past few days, I've talked to new people. I've made new friends. I've made people laugh. I've laughed. I'm back. This is the old cheerful Calvin, optimistic and happy! It's such a visible change, like how I talk on Whatsapp with everyone else, I'm not as paranoid of how they view me. It's so refreshing, hahaha! I'm looking forward to school to see everyone again, although I really could do with less schoolwork. Polytechnic is tough. If only they gave us the freedom like they did in ITE.

I really should get started on my homework soon. Compared to everyone else, I think I'm doing a pretty decent job. The previous assignment may have really pulled me down, because I really suck at drawing patterns unless they're properly used in an image. I hope this one pulls up my grade.

26th April - Ditch

I forgot to post the past few days, so it's time to catch up.

I passed up my Design homework. I finished it in time, but... it was shabby and messy. I really should've taken time out to neaten it, but I kept getting called back to erase away pencil marks, causing the paper to crumple in the process. Shit... I don't think I'll be getting an A, and it worries me so much. I might even get a C for crumpling the paper that badly, and there goes my scholarship. Aaaaaaaah, it's so worrying!! I went for the Voicecard Auditions afterward. Vincent came because he wanted an opinion on his FYP project. All the way to NYP, and he wanted to stay over? I thought something was amiss, but maybe it really was me being paranoid. I mean, I'm... pretty sure if there was something up with Vince, he'd say so. After clarifying stuff with him we waited for the audition to start, but it took too long and I was starting to lose my nerve after hearing the competition, so we left for home.

Come today, where I didn't turn on my alarm clock, causing me to have my first late day already. God dammit. I am so lucky. After class, I hanged out with a bunch of classmates. I'm quite surprised I've managed to socialize already. I suppose helping to mediate a lot of the class dramas helped foster my image, despite not having gone for orientation. Some people, from your first impression you think they're cool, but once you get to know them they... ehhh. And there's vice versa. There's Joey, at first I thought she was just another scene girl or something, but talking to her, I've found out she likes Homestuck, like Vocaloid, it was quite surprising. She's a peaceful person, like me, although I'm the only stupid one willing to jump into the fray and mediate. It's actually really easy to befriend her. Then there's Nas, I thought he was cool at first, but today showed he had real security issues. I mean, he was standing of our circle. And when we notice and try to pull him in, he whines and says that we neglected and ignored him. I don't even- I mean, come on. The world doesn't revolve around you. If you don't make the effort to be a friend, you can't expect the same behavior in return, cos' it's a two-way thing.

23rd April - Notice

Oh, god I hate waking up early in the morning. I was punctual for once though, but despite having enough sleep I still drifted off to sleep several time throughout the day.

There were Emcee Club auditions, and I really fucked up. I paired up with Wei Qiang, and we divided our script amongst the both of us to read. We thought we did fine, intonation and everything, and then they mentioned that we weren't emceeing, we were reading off the script. At that point I thought "OH SHIT", because the whole time my focus was on the script in front of me. I didn't look up once, even though I kept notice of them in my peripheral vision. Still, a big fuck up. But no loss. I have 9 other clubs to back me up.

I visited ITE again today and just wasted time alone in Victor's class. Gillian asked why I didn't hang out with my friends and I realized that most of the time I wander off alone because of stuff to do, and I don't tell anyone where I go LOL But me hanging out alone isn't because I like being alone (although I like being alone sometimes, yes), but because I want to befriend everyone, but I can't decide who to hang out with, that I end up going alone. It's like how I can't decide completing games on the Xbox or drawing my manga I end up playing S4 League, my default activity.

I went for Voice Emsemble auditions today too. I mixed it up with Sound Card, I thought I had to prepare a song and sing 'You Raise Me Up', of which I really can't do, but I thought I'd wing it for kicks anyway, but it was a orientation, and it was a Glee choir thingy. I thought they'd be singing edgier songs but it's all really lukewarm, meh, everyone's happy kind of songs. Choir shit, not my thing. At least I got some free food out of it. At the price of 3 hours though? Bad exchange.

Finishing my fucking design homework, dots and lines and waves and zigzags, I hate this shit.

22nd April - Defender

Oh, god I was so sleepy today. I never thought I'd fall asleep in Ms Clyda's class, being the hyper, crazy ass teacher she is, but I did. Ooooooh I should really get sleep.

We presented our 10 game ideas in the morning, it went well. I mean, of course, seeing how I'm here, in this group. I actually wonder what it'd be like if I weren't there, shooting down the ideas that don't make sense and clarifying how ideas should be presented, and especially translating Mr. Philip's Frenchy English. I may be blowing myself up here with my self-imposed importance here though LOL

Got our art materials too. It was real pricey, but to be able to handle so many grey copic markers, ooooh I can't wait to use them. The paints I could do without though, I'm no painter XD

Throughout the day pretty much everyone was teasing me and Gillian. Gillian had to post up that we went out on Facebook and everybody took it the wrong way. Ayyeee, for once I'm actually in the position of the guy who's close to one of the prettier girls in class and everyone starts coming up with rumors. So this is what it's like. I'm usually the one teasing :P Oh well, I'm still playing the same role I've really fantastic at for the past few years, defending the pretty girl from creepy guy admirers. Guys like these make me think twice about ever hitting on a girl, because geez, from the side of the lady, these guys are real creepy. I've no idea whether I would be the same way were I to try, so I'd just rather not. Besides, I'm actually getting used to this. I just enjoy the female company, so I don't have to trifle myself with the traditions of relationships.

Auditions, I went for the Ballroom Dance audition today. It was filled with bitchy business course girls. Turned me right off. I really messed up the Salsa routine though, I just looked good compared to the other bumbling guys :\ Tomorrow's the Voice Ensemble Audition, and I can't sing for shit. Time to screech!

21st April - Postcard

I went out with Gillian today. We went shopping for materials to decorate our postcard with. Okay, fine, I guess you could call it a date. There really wasn't much meaning to it though, since we've only barely known each other. I did feel really awkward next to her though. She's dressed all nice and make up and stuff and I'm in a t-shirt and cargo pants, carrying a rucksack. Good job Calvin.

So throughout the day I displayed my total inexperience with ladies. Lunch at Carl's Jr, eating the greasiest burger they sell. It's not even on the menu. And after procuring our stuff, we went to check out the movies but my indecision and lack of willingness to pay for weekend price movies led us to another activity that I suggested. Which is... guessssss...? CYBER CAFE. So fucking romantic. I'm a genius. Thank you very much. No really fuck me I'm an idiot. It was the first thing that came to mind. And I should know by now the first idea that comes to mind with me is never good. *sigh* Great job Calvin.

At least it's easy to make her laugh. But I think she thinks I'm a flirt. You know, I don't know how Vincent does it, the flirting thing. He can compliment a girl and she'll deny it but she'll giggle and stuff. And I try to compliment a girl and I get inquisitive stares. I'm not very good at this. I don't think I'll ever be good at it. But seeing how much you could possibly spend on one date leads me to my realization why ah bengs are always penniless and why geniuses like Nikola Tesla didn't want anything to do with ladies.

It's 4AM. I need to wake up tomorrow. At 7. That's 3 hours of sleep. I spent all the time fixing this fucking postcard because I kept having to re do it. Inks suck. Copic markers suck. I didn't get the image I intended to at first, but at least it looks... kind of good. Life needs an undo button.

20th April - Old Fashioned

Yunhan assigned me work today, so I left the house sleep deprived and followed directions on Google Maps. Her directions were cryptic. I was just told to go to 9 Winchester Road at 10am. So following Google Maps, I took the train to Kent Ridge, and from there supposedly I was supposed to take a bus. But it said one bus stop so I was like, eh, walk that shit. That was when my day turned to shit. I found myself treading a long windy path along the expressway. I thought something was amiss, but I shrugged it off and kept walking. And then the path turned inwards, so I followed. I ended up in Singapore's Defense Research Institute. Holy shit. I was probably trespassing. I could get sniped. I scurried to find an exit as soon as I could, and I did, right at the other end, which was a real relief. A bus stop and pavement, civilization, hooray! I continued walking east, as per my Google Maps instructions, and I hit a dead end. That can't be right. I returned to the fork and continued. I ended up at a condominium. Also wrong. WTF. Revised directions told me to make a long loop to take a bus on the opposite side of the road. Half along this long loop I saw an overhead bridge back where I walked from. Fuck. Walked back, took it. Took the bus. Thought everything was all swell and dandy now. Missed my stop. Fuck. Walked back. Found where I was supposed to walk in. Walked in. Uphill. Downhill. Loops. Dead end. Fork. Dead End. More loops. I finally reached the place after 1 and a half hours and a good 6km+ walk, I reckon. And then they told me that there was a shuttle bus to the area. FUCK. If she had told me the name of the place at least- UGGGHH. At least my bouncy castle job went without a hitch. Sweltering heat though, and I was wearing black. God damn.

Left for drinks with Zi Sheng and Damien's clique. I tried out a few new cocktails today, my Old Fashioned wasn't bad, but Snowball is fucking delicious. If you're craving for the taste of alcohol then it's probably not for you, but it could very well be an everyday drink being tasty as it is.

I gotta get to bed. A date with Gillian tomorrow!!! -okay no we're just buying stationary so we can do our homework LOL

19th April - Faces

First time I was early for class! Bwaha! Today in class we had to do some traditional artsy stuff. By that, I mean use an easel and regular, boring wood pencils. Joining lines, memorizing details in 10 seconds, drawing without looking at the paper. Totally out of my element. I thought this course would be smooth sailing, I totally didn't expect something like this coming out. Outside of the realm I can see, and having to use blocks of graphite over my trusty mechanical, I guess I was at the same pace as the rest of the class, and it was surprisingly comforting XD Me and Melvin paired up, and we were supposed to draw dots on the page, so that we would join them randomly in lines later. I dotted out a penis on his, and when we switched back, I found he had dotted a penis on mine too HAHAHA

After class, I met up with my group to do the project work after school. Me and Jun Cheng being in the same team, I suppose we felt the need to overachieve. I drew sprites real quite, and bits of background to piece together. And Jun Cheng went to animate it (albeit quite stupidly, using frame by frame over motion tweening, but Liana seemed to enjoy controlling the Powerpoint this way, so I suppose it's fine). It's amazing how little pressure I felt. Whoo, ITE has done wonders for me. Had I jumped into this course straight from Secondary School, I may have a felt slightly more than a little overwhelmed, I reckon. But it's only going to get harder from here.

Me and Gillian have been chatting a lot lately. Nice gal, I managed to convince her to play S4 League over GunZ. WAHAHA YESSS. Throwing a lot of passive-aggressive arguments back and forth. Why she added me on Facebook and chats with me over other guys in her class leaves me quite suspect, it might be because she wants advice on how to approach her eye candy. Is this because I look like a girl now, with my long hair? Liana's also really chill with me too. Both her and Syai mention how pretty I am, and they're comfortable with talking girl talk in my presence. I'm not sure whether to be disturbed I'm now pretty much considered a female or just to be happy I'm finally able to speak with girls on a decent level.

18th April - Charm

Today was rather hellish. A class from 11am to 6pm with supposedly no breaks in the middle of every class. God damn! It's not the course activities itself that are hard though, it's the fact that I know how to do everything already so it's the boredom that almost killed me. Social-wise, seems I've gotten a little progress today.

First was Design Principles. A Designer module that somehow managed to connect itself to Game Design with an explanation that made sense, compared to ITE's shitty Design Class where we built handicapped machines. We had to get Fineliners of four different widths to get the job done. I could do the whole thing armed with my 0.2, but noooo, I had to go get them. Being one of the first, I managed to buy the set of four from the bookstore before the sold out amongst the rest of my classmates. But the price of each of them was $2.10, 70 cents more expensive than the cheap brand I'm used to. So I sold them to Daniel, the really social guy in Group 4 for $10. Do the math. I made $1.60 profit, HOORAY! I went through class not doing the assignment in the end, although luckily it's due next week.

Storyboarding was a much more troubling class. With a Caucasian lady with high standards as the teacher, I felt really pressured. I could keep up with the storyboarding though, save for my lack of proportion of the camera to character as well as my refusal to use a regular pencil over my trusty sidekick mechanical. But looking at the others' works, I think I coped a lot better. I suppose I am the one with the most experience doing these stupid scribbly shits, anyway. I'm slightly afraid they might think I'm showing off, or find me intimidating.

I seem to have broken the ice with the girls in Group 4 though. Which is cool, because they're very cute ladies. Hooray for me, I get to feel masculine for a day before all the gay and faggot jokes come in. Syai has already begun them >_>

17th April - Crawl

I need to stop forgetting to blog before going to sleep. I keep having to get back up again to turn on the computer and do it. THIS IS A RITUAL I HAVE TO DO EVERY DAY.

Today was the Club Crawl, where we pick out the clubs we want to join. Like ITE, there's not a lot of commitment needed. I ended up joining 10. They all looked somewhat interesting or looked like I'd do well in them, so I just wrote my name down. First off, of course I have to join the Sakuran Japanese Club. I'm no weeaboo, I hate them, as a matter of fact, but this is the language I am versed in, anime and manga. There are some like me. Also, I wanted to find fellow manga artists. I joined the Ballroom Dance club and Foreign Bodies Street Dance club too. Ballroom Dance mentioned they do Latin Dance, and since I did it throughout the whole of ITE, might as well throw it another shot. My shoes are ripping and dying, but if I find enough reason to stay maybe I'll repair them. Street Dance seems really intensive, and seems like it's filled with lots of probably hiphop-oriented Malays too. Ah, I wonder if I'll feel out of place. The Drama Club, because 4 years of secondary school moving the spotlight, after my great maturing throughout ITE, I want to try taking the stage again. Debates Club, because I wanted to see if my argument skills were on the competition level. I'd probably still lose out to people like Vincent, but eh, try it out. I joined the two Voice Ensemble clubs too. One for group and one for solo. I'm not confident in my voice, but I just joined on a whim. I keep singing in my room anyway. And probably the highest chance for a chance encounter with Felicia, maybe I'll forgive her then if I see her face. The Emcee Club seems really intensive too, with auditions and stuff. But it was recommended to me by the Japanese Club guys after hearing my pseudo-accent, so... okaaay? The Writing Club, because after so many days of writing for this blog, I've been growing slightly more confident in my writing skills. Thought I should pit them to the test too. Aikido... I don't think I'll go for this one. It costs money. Yeap. I highly doubt I'll be able to juggle all these clubs, so I'm probably going to drop 75% of them. Let's see how the people inside are. On to endure the next day of school. *sigh*

16th April - Whining

Today wasn't as interesting as yesterday. I came to school slightly late. There was class for one hour and then every other class for the day didn't start until next week. So I spend 4 hours fucking around with Jun Cheng and his clique because their class started at 5. Eh.

We met up at the library first to discuss our assignment of coming up with 10 game ideas. Actually, there's a lot of confusion about that one. We don't really know if it's '10 game ideas' or '10 suggestions for a game our seniors have done'. Either way, since the others seemed really adamant, and it may have been just me and Jun Cheng not listening (although there were some other instances where we both heard to do something for an assignment and everyone else heard something else. Is this a thing for graduates or something?), we came up with 10 suggestions. Although, I'd readily do up 10 ideas if I have to. I came up with 3, and I'll probably do 7 more in my free time in the off chance what we heard was correct after all.

We travelled to ITE to eat. Then following my ritual every time I enter ITE, I bombed the juniors class. They actually seem pretty used to it by now. Meki interrogated me about what Poly was like and I had to disappoint her by telling her that we've pretty much learnt everything in ITE already, bahahaha XD But bombing just the 2nd Year juniors was boring. So I went to bomb the totally new freshmen class. They seemed completely puzzled to have a boy wearing a Mario hat burst into their classroom, but ehhh yolo they're gonna have to get used to it.

So far, I haven't found any friends that are likeable here in this course. There are the hateables. And the... not-so-hateables. But likeables, not so much. I would meet with Felicia, but... grrrrrmphh. There's a blood donation drive. Hmm. I should go. I would invite Shirleen, but it's not like she'd be willing to travel all the way just to have blood sucked out of her. I'll have to find another donation partner now. What terrible coincidences for every donation drive.

15th April - Break

Today was my first day of Poly. The starting was pretty shit though. I woke up on time, but I thought maybe I should put on contacts today. That resulted in me being late D:

And within an hour of the first class my eye was itching so bad that I had to take them out. My eyes are now both very red.

My teachers are alright though. One's a french guy, seems really strict, I'm a bit afraid, but he speaks about Game Design, and he knows what he's talking about. I think so long as I keep to my work religiously, I'll be safe. The Storyboarding teacher seems like a bitch though. Maybe it's because she's a Chinese lady with that wannabe-American voice that really gets on my nerves. She's probably a bitchy mom. My Color Theory teacher's real cool though. A lady who knows how to pull jokes in the middle of class. Very informal class. I like it. I like informal. I felt really comfortable there.

It was a bit hard to engage anyone in conversation at first, partly because I didn't know where to start. So I hanged out with Jun Cheng most of the day, got to know his friends, then the moments where I broke off, I bumped into other classmates, and hit it off with them too. It's really easy to break the ice when you have a bright green Luigi hat on your head. So far, they're actually quite cool. I haven't even shown them my drawings yet. That makes them even more cool. Still, this is just the first day. Even right now, they're already bitching about one of our classmates. I mean, he's annoying, but still, it's pretty fast, and still pretty mean. Listen to me, trying to be nice when I was laughing along with them too. I'm such a hypocrite.

Felicia has been trying to apologize to me, but I can't bring it in myself to reply to her proper. I don't want to be angry with her either, but like hell I'm going to forgive her that easily too. I did get pretty ticked off that day.

14th April - Anticipation

Tomorrow will be the start of Poly life for me. Something I seem to have been waiting for for so long, and yet now that it's here I'm pretty much indifferent to it. How strange. I'm a bit worried about forgetting things and being late though. I don't even know where the class is. Okay, uh, I have my sketchbook and folders... if I don't know what to bring I think these are pretty safe... And... time table... and... Aaaaaaaagh I don't know!! The paranoia's seeping in, I have no idea what I should bring now. I'll have to wake up early tomorrow to don icebreaker gear. That is, my gamer clothes. Like the Luigi hat and shit. And... And...

Fuck this. This is too much worrying. Bah, if I forget anything I can just take a bus back home and get it.

Still, I wonder what the prowess is of the people in class. Will I meet competition? Will I be the solo ranker again? Mmmgh, I can't tell anything if I haven't met anyone. It's so troublesome, being unable to predict what will happen next. I need some info to work with. This is me going in almost entirely blind, I am really worried.

I finished an art piece today. Not as proud of it as I should be, because what I intended to do in my mind was a lot more nicer. So... I'm disappointed with myself. But I don't know the technique, I'm hoping to learn that in school. New beginnings, huh... I'm not very keen on leaving my old friends yet, yet I feel like eventually we'll drift apart. Uwah, it's such a sad feeling. But they had like two outings in the past few days and nobody invited me. D'awwwwwwwwwwww am I an outcast?

I'm trying to milk out as much writing as I can today but I can't think of anything. I just stayed in the whole day drawing with Jodie bothering me from behind because for some reason she finds it fulfilling to stare at me from behind and the side. It's... quite creepy. Still, because of that I had to act like I totally didn't notice, and was forced to continue drawing, and that's how I completed my art by today. So it's not all bad... I guess... Eh.

13th April - Revival

Once again, another uneventful day at home, playing Valkyria Chronicles the whole day. I did a bit of reflection on myself again, but with less self-loathing this time around, for some reason.

It's true that there are some parts of myself I really despise now, and I have been feeling lonely, but all this reflection upon myself has led me to neglect my friends. Whether they're real or not, it's no big consequence. My traits are a part of me, and I've to learn to accept them like everyone else does. Recently when I've gone out with my friends, after looking back on it, I've been acting strangely. I'm more quiet. I stay at the sides a lot more than I... recall. I don't exactly remember how I socialized back then, but memories I have of times just a year or two back, I was a lot happier. Right now all I do is worry about how I look like to other people, what they think of me, whether they hate me, despise me, and frankly, it hasn't been very good for my mental health.

So I think I'm going to try to be the cheerful idiot that everyone knows once again. It's going to be a bit challenging, since my mind has been working like a computer for so long, and I have no idea how to hardwire it back to being human. But I want to try. I want to try and be a person that people can enjoy being in my company, just like Shirleen and Tommy. Uwaaah, it seems like such a tall wall to climb though. I don't even know where to begin. I'm going to have to resolve myself to do it though. I can't be this depressing piece of shit forever. If I can make people smile and laugh, surely I might begin to do the same, right? It sure seemed that way back then.

So invite me out once again, friends. Give me a chance to become the Calvin that you first befriended. Although I still very much like to have deep, personal talks though, so please engage me in those whenever XD
Actually, I'm starting to suspect that my change was brought out through my work-intensive Final Year Project. Hmmm... :\ Could it be?

12th April - Façade

And the days continue to count down. Oh, I thought it was Saturday already. Well, technically since it's past midnight. Jun Cheng told me a bit about my class. Added me into the group too. I got to see some of my classmates' photos through my undercover stalking skills, but awww, no lookers. At least they don't seem unfriendly... I think. But still, I can't help but wonder how they'll see me. I'm the newest transfer student or some shit. It's like when Samuel and Yan Nian were thrown into our class.

I could just play it safe and just show off. That'll get me friends for sure. I used to think that this way was the best way to get friends. All the way up til' now. Recently amongst this moping and self-reflection and self-hate and overall depression, I've realized that all along, this super multitalent Calvin image I've been keeping up has been nothing more than just an elaborate act I've put on so I wouldn't be lonely. People naturally want to hang out with cool people. Like people with talents. And following that logic is why for so long I've been juggling so many skills. Drawing, I've held on to all this time. Learning to play the bass, because anyone who can play an instrument has to be cool. Martial Arts. Cooking. Dance. All this, I thought I was impressing people all this time, and everyone wanted to be my friend. But it's only now that I realize that they're not friends with me. They're friends with 'somebody with talents'. Some of the people I've met, and whom I've thought as 'friends', I've realized that they keep me around just so they can ask favors of what I can do. Were something to happen, were I to lose all my talents, so many people wouldn't stick around. After all, a talentless Calvin is equivalent to nothing. I'm jealous of the people who can make friends just by being themselves alone. People like Wesley, Shirleen, and Tommy, who own the trait to make friends just by being as they are, whereas there's me, in order to earn friendship, I have to be cool by gathering more and more skills, because otherwise I can't imagine anyone who'd want to stay my friend, other than Vincent.
It's so hard to trust people because I don't even know if they're real friends or not. It's not that because I hate my talents now that I'd give up on my dream though. I still want to be a Game Designer on the world level. It's just... I'm so conflicted. I'm so lost. Having to keep up this false appearance of a cool guy just so I won't be alone, and yet I'm so greedy as to crave real friends. Who would accept the real me?

11th April - Designation

My new teacher called today, sent me some stuff I needed. So... yeah, I got my new class timetable, new class list... and the names of my new classmates. I also had to select my General Studies, so among Community Problems, Cultural Study and Social Etiquette, I picked the latter.

Oh god, this is so intimidating. I mean, c'mon, look at this shit. It's... it's... LOOK AT ALL THESE STRANGERS. Well, Jun Cheng's in my class, although in actuality, I would have preferred to be in a different class. Not that I hate him or anything, but I didn't want to have my options closed because I subconsciously ended up hanging out with only the people I know instead of going into the fray and finding out the qualities of these people. There are only four classes and... as expected, the number of girls is overshadowed by the sheer number of guys, much to my dismay. Yeah, actually the biggest disappointment I'm having is the lack of ladies in my class, ahahahaha. Okay, I can kind of make out the girls with the english names... but these Malay and Chinese names, I have no idea if they are girls or guys...

I got thrown a list of school rules too and... LONG HAIR ISN'T ALLOWED? WHAT THE FUCK, MAN, that's not what I was promised! Aaaaaaagh, I'm pretty worried now...!

*sigh* And so the countdown to school begins, huh. I'm part looking forward to making new friends, at the same time I'm afraid of meeting bitchy people. At the same time, I'm also afraid of being judged for who I am, or because Jun Cheng who would probably hang out around me, they might think that I'm part ah beng or asshole or whatever. Aaaaaaah. All these self-conscious stuff! Socializing with people sucks, man. To have to try hard to be a me that isn't me. What a terribly shitty feeling. I want to open up to people. I like to talk about personal problems and opinions, not having to 'lolololol kyaa kyaa ahahahahaha you so funny' all the time. Having fun is nice, but I seek a more deeper understanding of a person than what makes them laugh. Talk to me, someone...

10th April - Dragging

Today was the Latin Dance performance. Today was hell because I stayed up until 5AM to design the Latin Dance flyers as well as photoshop my ID photo for NYP. And I had to wake up at 7PM. Still, I survived the Latin Dance performance with my mind intact and routine alright... kind of. During the performance, Kenji started off a beat early, bringing his partner with him, and Yiru, panicking at watching them go faster than us, began to rush. Normally I can drag her back to normal timing but her eyes this time weren't on me, but on Kenji, leaving me looking like the only one lagging behind even though I'm pretty confident my counts were correct. I suppose maybe I should've reassured Yiru beforehand. It's her first performance after all. *sigh* Quite a pity I was too sleepy to predict this possibly might happen.

Went back home and got to experimental cooking on mini pancakes for the picnic later. I felt like my mind was working on 10% power. Rushed down to Marina Barrage to meet up with the clique. I couldn't think of a lot to say, although usually I don't say a lot to begin with anyway. I still, even up til' now, feel... really out of place. It's a bit easier to talk to Yi Lin now though. On the way to the souvenir shop downstairs to look for shit, I chatted with her, and she has worries about Poly life too. Personal problems. A feelings talk. Rather than just light banter and jokes. I really enjoy conversations like this. So I do feel a little bit less awkward now, knowing I'm not the only one who has worries. After celebrating Yi Lin's early birthday, we moved our picnic stuff into the shade because it started raining, and got some glow sticks. I paid for the second batch, because I thought I should contribute a little more, and keeping friends requires sacrifices, after all. I can't keep being hyper-miserly when everyone else is okay with sharing. But the glowstick I got didn't glow. Everyone thought I was upset because I didn't get a nice glowstick, but it really was because I thought this glowstick really fit me. It reminded me on how blessed I am with bad luck, which is why I work hard to compensate for it. It glowed faintly, but it was mostly transparent, like how I try hard to be noticed, that's why I try to be flashy and interesting, but at the same time sometimes I choose to go unnoticed. Hmm...

7th April - Psychology

I actually don't have anything to report today. I spent the day printing out shit for my scholarship interview tomorrow, and fixing the damn printer's ink refill which left my hands dyed blue and yellow. I just thought it'd be a time to shed some light on a certain subject that goes on my mind. A theory, if you will. Okay, fine, I just feel the need to vomit it out so I stop going it over in my head.

From observing people for quite awhile, I've come to notice that when you're not part of the flock of sheep, you tend to show certain special behaviors. I believe it is probably because once you cross a certain intellectual capability threshold, you gain what I would like to term a PSYCHO SKILL. It's basically kind of your brain somehow re-hard wiring itself to think in a certain pattern, allowing you to understand things better in your own concept, or breaking down processes, or rearranging explanations etc. It really differs from person to person, but if you observe for a while, you actually can single out those that do, and those that... well, just rely on the group's collective thought process to decide rather than utilize their brains.

For one, mine would probably be SCAN. Seeing how my brain works is that once I see something, anything, whether it be a person or a game or an object, some measurements appear in my head. For people, it would be stuff like moods, personalities, habitual behaviors, likes, dislikes, aversions to, attractions to, and then it works itself further to steps on how to coerce them to do or not do something, or how to throw a conversation with them to a certain topic, or how to elicit a certain emotion from them. With skills, it breaks down in my head to simple concepts such that it's easier to learn, like guitar, or dancing. It's really complex, I've no good idea how to explain it myself.

An explaining ability would be like Vincent's, I suspect: TRANSLATION. For some reason, he's able to take any strange topic, and once he's got the understanding of it, he's able to explain it in a way that the person would understand. He would explain to me in game terms, maybe soccer terms to a soccer fan, cooking terms to a chef. And it's immediate, it's amazing. It's like his brain has the ability to just break down a topic and transform it into understandable terms for anyone. Others I've noticed would augment charisma, or humor. Some have the ability to twist and win arguments. And being able to do it flawlessly and immediately, as if it were second nature, that is what I believe PSYCHO SKILLs are.

Or there might really be another way of explaining this,but this is how it's like in my head, everything lined up in videogame terms :/

6th April - Accidents

I was so pissed off today. God damn. I left the house today to go check out the Japanese Club's fair thingy at AMK (at the same time bringing my completed Star Ocean 4 out to see if I could sell it for enough money for a new game. Nope.) Surprisingly, they didn't make a fucked up otaku shitfest of it. The dances were decent this time around. Probably because of the two new dancing juniors I've never seen before. And the manga class this time was booming. I wasn't that good a teacher anyway, back when I was there. The teachers were there too. Wow, Mr. Victor's engaged. He introduced me to his fiance, saying if you mentioned me to any of the teachers, they'd go "AAAAARGH CALVIN", no matter what, whether good or bad. Hahahaha, it's quite nice to know I left an impression somewhere. Rather this than being forgotten.

And so I headed home. I got home. I closed the gate to my house. And then. My phone. Slid out. Of its. Casing. Onto. The floor. And the LCD screen. Fucked up. Like seriously? I just got home, and this happens? I WAS SO FUCKING PISSED. I had to leave the house again, take the bus to go back to where I just was 10 minutes ago, and find a phone shop to get the screen fixed. It did not help that it took 40 minutes AND cost me $80. My god, I was just counting my angpao money from Chinese New Year this afternoon, and that $80 was pretty much all of it. FUCK MAN. FUCKING HELL. Clearly I am not blessed with very much luck at all.

But I have to be optimistic. Deep breaths Calvin, oxygen calms the mind. On the bright side... at least with that screen repair, it somehow fixed my phone's ability to detect Wi-Fi. So... that's a good thing. Also, I bought Valkyria Chronicles. Despite not selling my games in the end, but it was a secondhand $15 game, and it had really good reviews, so I got it, and boy, it is fun. I probably dropped the PSP one because I used cheats. Trucking through every mission, and fucking up several times before finally winning... SO SATISFYING.

4th April - Forms

Got my enrollment package at NYP today with Zi Sheng. This marks the start of a new beginning, once again. At a new school... with new friends... I'll miss my friends Q_Q

I haven't met Zi Sheng in quite a while. His hair's bleached blonde. Now people can definitely tell us apart, hahaha! There's a lot of procedures to this school thing. Forms to sign and shit. And school fees. And medical checkups. God damn. My brain's rotting at the sight of this pile. And I'm not even sure if I'm eligible for the scholarship. I'm actually pretty damn worried. The school fees look really expensive. And... it looks like I have to go for a medical checkup tomorrow too. Seems like there's going to be blood tests and the works. SO TROUBLESOME. Does not help that I no longer have student concession on my card.

At Latin Dance today Yiru asked if I had ever liked anyone before. It's kind of a good question. I mean, now that I can somewhat tell the difference, I've never actually liked anyone seriously before. It's been mostly attractions and temporary infatuations, but that's the limit. Everyone describes the feeling as 'your heart beating fast when you're near the person' or 'you're just super happy whenever you're with them' or 'love is love, you just know', but I don't understand any of it. I haven't felt any of those feelings before. I'm actually half-convinced that I'm incapable of love. I mean, love is a scary thing. I do feel lonely at times, I want a companion, someone I can hold and cherish, but... to find one is the hardest thing. Some girls just jump at the idea of getting together with someone, they don't really put a lot of thought into it, they just fear being lonely. And if I'm going to get into a relationship of any kind, I'm sure as hell going to try to stay in it as long as possible. Putting aside the chance of rejection, if I end up getting a girlfriend who eventually gets angry about how little time I spend with her because of the time I spend on pursuing my dreams more than flirting around and buying her presents... it's not going to end well for both of us. A lady that respects me for what I want to do, in a society like this really seems like a pipe dream.

Well, I can name one that might... and I do have feelings for her, but whether or not these feelings are really love... I'm not entirely sure yet.

3rd April - Afresh

Today I decided to start with my renewed mindset after Vincent's very enlightening lecture. And it turned out pretty well. If you don't count the fact I turned off my alarm and then fell asleep with it still in my hand. It wasn't all bad though. Because of me waking up late, I ate lunch late, and thus I was around to help Zuhayr out of a predicament. Hooray! Zuh was at NYP but he realized he needed another copy of his portfolio to submit his appeal. He was about to go home, dejected that he had to make another trip tomorrow when I told him he can photocopy and burn his shit at my place, which was 5 bus stops away. Some burning and copying later, Zuh managed to submit his appeal successfully (I think) and all is good. Is this karma? Some divine sign or array of coincidences lined up for me so that I can help my friends who're struggling through the appeal process? Hooooooohohohoo I felt so needed today.

On to Latin Dance practice. I couldn't attend badminton because I had to make it for this. Yiru brought a new male member to the club :D Me, Kenji and David clicked him him real quick because... typical guy subjects like martial arts and drinking got us talking real quick. Although... really, no guy in their right mind would join Latin Dance on a whim unless... Yeaaaaa, Yiru said that this guy confessed to her once, so he probably joined Latin Dance just to get closer to her. And once again I'm used as a human shield by girls against the forces of creepy admirers. o____o

Been sexually harassing (with words. Only words.) Felicia as per usual, and for some reason she took it at face value today and threatened me with a restraining order. I don't even get a remotely satisfying rejection reaction like I usually do. I don't feel like talking with her anymore if she's going to get all pissy every time I poke fun while I have put up with her emotional outbursts and irrationality without complaint on a near daily basis.
Happy me's blog posts have much less meaning and contemplation than depressed or lonely me. Aww.

2nd April - Conscience

Although the day passed uneventfully, it ended amazingly. Thanks to today, I've come to a reconciliation with a lot of my conflicted feelings.

I played S4 League and Tera the whole day, really. I didn't do much of anything productive, other than inking a doodle that I had done before and uploading it just for kicks. But I was lacking in social, you know, being a hermit in my room and not talking to anyone and all. It was 3AM in the morning, not many were awake. But I spotted Shirleen online so I was like 'Yeah, I don't feel guilty anymore, I can chat like a regular person now, let's chat.' 3 lines later and I ran out of topics, because I realized all the topics I could think of were related to results, and it was depressing. Seemed like I was still blaming myself inside, no matter how much I tried to make logic win. By some fortune, best buddy Vincent was still awake and active, so I consulted him, and I am so glad I have him as my best friend.

He told me that it was stupid to blame myself. My intentions were good, I worked hard and got my results, and they got theirs. It was okay to empathize, but it was stupid to think that it was my fault at all. I did well because I wanted to get into the course I wanted, not to make people suffer. These obvious things. That I had been trying to tell myself for so long, but it wouldn't register through the clouds of guilt. Another slap in the face, like the one I had from Shirleen before, pointing out the obvious to me. Maybe this is what I needed. I can't always deal with things alone, no matter how much logic I can piece together. Sometimes, I need to hear advice from others, in a voice other than my own. That I need someone to tell me that it's alright. Perhaps it's a subconscious acceptance issue? The big 'how do I look like to other people' thing? Either way, the way he worded it, as well as knowing how I think and giving a really good example and explanation on how I was feeling then, maaaaan, Vincent, you're the awesomest best friend. I feel a lot better. I join the others in being unhappy over their results, but what I can do from here on out, is to lend my support to the best of my ability. It's time to stop hesitating.

1st April - Fool

It's April Fools. In the midst of everyone fretting over their admission results, I went to Photoshop up an acceptance letter of me getting into the Art Institute of Vancouver. More people believed it than I thought, much to my glee early in the day. It dwindled later on as I realized everyone else's circumstances, though.

I was one of the only ones who managed to get into the course of my choice. Everyone else was ready to appeal, everyone was disappointed, angry, upset, discouraged, a whole sea of emotions. And for me to be in the mood for joking seemed really... assholey of myself. I've apologized to Shirleen, and I thought I got over my guilt, and finally I could feel normal again. To joke and have fun just like everyone else, but when I'm in entirely different circumstances as everyone else, I feel the gap in between me and the rest of the clique again. I did want to talk to them, to joke, to start a conversation, but... I... don't know. I was hesitating very much. Might as well said I barely made an effort at all today. I couldn't bring myself to speak. Who knows what they thought of me underneath. Whether they thought I was haughty, I was a prick, how dare I flaunt my results in front of them while they didn't get the results they wanted. Maybe in their eyes, I'm an outcast, but they're just being nice in front of me. It could be just my paranoia too, but I've my fair share of reason to think that this miiight be a possibility. I mean, look at Zhi Xian. In the period I didn't hang out with this clique, he had completely become an outcast. Gossiping about him, saying they didn't like him, hoping that he didn't come for the outings. I could be very well be the next one, if I'm not already. I don't know what I'm supposed to think or how I'm supposed to act anymore.

I really, really fear that I'm blamed for pulling the bell curve up. True, it couldn't be helped that I was striving for what I wanted, I put in effort because 'the best' was what I desired... but it feels like I've used everyone else as stepping stones because of it. My presence and my results have caused so much grief in everyone else, it makes me sincerely wonder what it would be like if I wasn't in this class.