12th April - Façade

And the days continue to count down. Oh, I thought it was Saturday already. Well, technically since it's past midnight. Jun Cheng told me a bit about my class. Added me into the group too. I got to see some of my classmates' photos through my undercover stalking skills, but awww, no lookers. At least they don't seem unfriendly... I think. But still, I can't help but wonder how they'll see me. I'm the newest transfer student or some shit. It's like when Samuel and Yan Nian were thrown into our class.

I could just play it safe and just show off. That'll get me friends for sure. I used to think that this way was the best way to get friends. All the way up til' now. Recently amongst this moping and self-reflection and self-hate and overall depression, I've realized that all along, this super multitalent Calvin image I've been keeping up has been nothing more than just an elaborate act I've put on so I wouldn't be lonely. People naturally want to hang out with cool people. Like people with talents. And following that logic is why for so long I've been juggling so many skills. Drawing, I've held on to all this time. Learning to play the bass, because anyone who can play an instrument has to be cool. Martial Arts. Cooking. Dance. All this, I thought I was impressing people all this time, and everyone wanted to be my friend. But it's only now that I realize that they're not friends with me. They're friends with 'somebody with talents'. Some of the people I've met, and whom I've thought as 'friends', I've realized that they keep me around just so they can ask favors of what I can do. Were something to happen, were I to lose all my talents, so many people wouldn't stick around. After all, a talentless Calvin is equivalent to nothing. I'm jealous of the people who can make friends just by being themselves alone. People like Wesley, Shirleen, and Tommy, who own the trait to make friends just by being as they are, whereas there's me, in order to earn friendship, I have to be cool by gathering more and more skills, because otherwise I can't imagine anyone who'd want to stay my friend, other than Vincent.
It's so hard to trust people because I don't even know if they're real friends or not. It's not that because I hate my talents now that I'd give up on my dream though. I still want to be a Game Designer on the world level. It's just... I'm so conflicted. I'm so lost. Having to keep up this false appearance of a cool guy just so I won't be alone, and yet I'm so greedy as to crave real friends. Who would accept the real me?