1st April - Fool

It's April Fools. In the midst of everyone fretting over their admission results, I went to Photoshop up an acceptance letter of me getting into the Art Institute of Vancouver. More people believed it than I thought, much to my glee early in the day. It dwindled later on as I realized everyone else's circumstances, though.

I was one of the only ones who managed to get into the course of my choice. Everyone else was ready to appeal, everyone was disappointed, angry, upset, discouraged, a whole sea of emotions. And for me to be in the mood for joking seemed really... assholey of myself. I've apologized to Shirleen, and I thought I got over my guilt, and finally I could feel normal again. To joke and have fun just like everyone else, but when I'm in entirely different circumstances as everyone else, I feel the gap in between me and the rest of the clique again. I did want to talk to them, to joke, to start a conversation, but... I... don't know. I was hesitating very much. Might as well said I barely made an effort at all today. I couldn't bring myself to speak. Who knows what they thought of me underneath. Whether they thought I was haughty, I was a prick, how dare I flaunt my results in front of them while they didn't get the results they wanted. Maybe in their eyes, I'm an outcast, but they're just being nice in front of me. It could be just my paranoia too, but I've my fair share of reason to think that this miiight be a possibility. I mean, look at Zhi Xian. In the period I didn't hang out with this clique, he had completely become an outcast. Gossiping about him, saying they didn't like him, hoping that he didn't come for the outings. I could be very well be the next one, if I'm not already. I don't know what I'm supposed to think or how I'm supposed to act anymore.

I really, really fear that I'm blamed for pulling the bell curve up. True, it couldn't be helped that I was striving for what I wanted, I put in effort because 'the best' was what I desired... but it feels like I've used everyone else as stepping stones because of it. My presence and my results have caused so much grief in everyone else, it makes me sincerely wonder what it would be like if I wasn't in this class.