2nd April - Conscience

Although the day passed uneventfully, it ended amazingly. Thanks to today, I've come to a reconciliation with a lot of my conflicted feelings.

I played S4 League and Tera the whole day, really. I didn't do much of anything productive, other than inking a doodle that I had done before and uploading it just for kicks. But I was lacking in social, you know, being a hermit in my room and not talking to anyone and all. It was 3AM in the morning, not many were awake. But I spotted Shirleen online so I was like 'Yeah, I don't feel guilty anymore, I can chat like a regular person now, let's chat.' 3 lines later and I ran out of topics, because I realized all the topics I could think of were related to results, and it was depressing. Seemed like I was still blaming myself inside, no matter how much I tried to make logic win. By some fortune, best buddy Vincent was still awake and active, so I consulted him, and I am so glad I have him as my best friend.

He told me that it was stupid to blame myself. My intentions were good, I worked hard and got my results, and they got theirs. It was okay to empathize, but it was stupid to think that it was my fault at all. I did well because I wanted to get into the course I wanted, not to make people suffer. These obvious things. That I had been trying to tell myself for so long, but it wouldn't register through the clouds of guilt. Another slap in the face, like the one I had from Shirleen before, pointing out the obvious to me. Maybe this is what I needed. I can't always deal with things alone, no matter how much logic I can piece together. Sometimes, I need to hear advice from others, in a voice other than my own. That I need someone to tell me that it's alright. Perhaps it's a subconscious acceptance issue? The big 'how do I look like to other people' thing? Either way, the way he worded it, as well as knowing how I think and giving a really good example and explanation on how I was feeling then, maaaaan, Vincent, you're the awesomest best friend. I feel a lot better. I join the others in being unhappy over their results, but what I can do from here on out, is to lend my support to the best of my ability. It's time to stop hesitating.