31st March - Pasttime

Felicia initially wanted to come over today to use my oven for her mad, sudden baking frenzy, but the sudden appearance of the great monthly blood demon and her first tackle against menstrual cramps stopped it. I managed to sleep a few more hours today, thanks to that. I woke up after and decided to head over to Vincent's house.

We didn't really do much. He had been overseas here and there for the past weeks, so I actually hadn't seen him in awhile though. It was like normal, our meetings. We'd chat about things that had happened to us in the time we hadn't seen each other while using our own laptops. It's funny, we've been best friends for so long, apart from the new events we don't actually have a lot to talk about. Maybe a few other topics like girls (cos' you know, you can never run out of things to talk about girls, be it good or bad), games, shows. The like. Yet, we aren't bored at all. Just squatting around and talking rubbish, and poking fun at things that make sense, and trying to make sense of nonsense.  A friend is someone I can do these things with.

Maybe because i haven't made many close friends in my younger years that I value friendship so much. The gap between acquaintance (or dubbed as 'friend' for less syllables) and friend (which I actually mean 'close friend') is actually pretty wide. I like talking with people, but at the same time I'm wary about who I talk with. I'm fun and games, most of the time, but quite often, I do like to talk about serious matters too. Heart-to-heart talks, I also do quite enjoy. But rarely do I find someone I can talk like that with. And people whom I can talk with them like that with, I would consider as friends. I'm probably kinda uptight about this compared to many other people, but... it just feels right to me. I fear losing friends. I'm jealous of people who can make plenty of friends right off the bat, and can somehow keep them all. Just to try and make some, I have to keep impressing them, or keep trying to be interesting. And most of them don't really stick around still. *sigh*
Tomorrow we get our Poly admission results. Will my friendships here survive the transition from ITE to Poly?

30th March - Stories

I woke up today, booted up my computer...

And watched Avatar: The Last Airbender the whole day. I feel like I've been wasting time the whole day, but at the same time I don't. I mean, man, this story is amazing! I used to dismiss this series cos' I thought it was just some Americans trying to imitate anime, but now, god damn, the storyline, the comedy, and the personalities of each character, and especially, ESPECIALLY the character development of Zuko. Shiiiiiit this is brilliant! I'm absorbing all this, learning a little bit.

Apart from that, I don't have... much to report today. Usually I have like, a line limit for each of my blog posts so if I have little to write, I can expand on it to fill it up, or if I have a lot, I summarize it and focus on the important things, but today, I really haven't done anything.

Certain... thoughts have been filling my mind lately though. It's mostly... wishful thinking. Lots of daydreaming and fantasizing. I would like to say what it's about right now, but it's... embarrassing. Recently these kind of thoughts have been entering my mind, I have no idea where they came from, but... I-I mean, it's not anything bad or NSFW or nothing. It's just... maybe it's just that time again where I'm feeling like I need a special someone. I suppose it would've happened eventually, being cooped up in my room all day doing nothing but watching series after series, doodling a bit on paper and then watching some more. Some scenarios have been building in my head though, and it would be a miracle if they'd happen. But... eh. Like I said, it's just wishful thinking. Being wishy-washy, waiting for events and stuff to just fall out of the sky magically. Fuck it. I've no confidence in this matter.

Oh wow, I really did manage to expand up til' the line limit. I'll try to post again tomorrow, and every other day.

29th March - Picking Up

I spent the whole day powerhousing my laptop trying to draw Ultraman Tiga.

I picked up the series again too. I guess... watching this series back when I was a kid made me want to be a hero when I grew up. Inputting ideals and feelings of justice in my mind. I wanted to do good. I wanted to be a good person. That's why whenever I did bad things, mostly when it was to fit in, I would feel guilty inside. And I suppose along with it also came that feeling of responsibility. That I had to pit everything onto myself. That I couldn't fail, and if anything went wrong it was my responsibility. It's not entirely a bad thing, I mean, especially if you compared it to behaviors like ah bengs and ah lians and matreps and meenas who smoke, complain, pick fights, bitch about foreign workers who left their families back home to come here to do the jobs we don't want to do. But... every pro comes with its fair share of cons, I guess.

Thinking about it, how many masks did I wear to fit in over the course of ITE? I was more 'myself', back when I was in Secondary School. Although that did cause me a lot of trouble. A lot of rebelling. And with no friends other than Vincent. When I came into ITE it actually seemed like I worked so hard to fit in. Acted like the people around me, picking up skills and showing off just so that people would talk to me and find me cool. So much work just to be accepted. Being popular is nice and all but... I yearn for a person whom I can just be myself with, and they with me. Even I feel like Vincent sometimes holds back his opinion because of what I can do. Darren as well, and Tommy... Tommy doesn't hold back, but I can't talk anything important with him. It's just fun and games between us. Felicia... Felicia can't understand, not even a single bit. I can't even trust my own best friends to see the entire real me. *sigh* I'm pathetic.

Blogging really helps put things into perspective, huh. I didn't think I had a lot to type, but one topic leads to another and it really brings out all the hidden worries I store away in my head.

28th March - Cowardice

AGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH IDIOT CALVIN, YOU PANICKED AND FUCKED THAT UP!!!!

We all got our GPAs back today, and I... I did okay. Gavin and Justin, I don't know. Gavin probably did fantastic too, but... Shirleen... it dropped. Her score dropped by so much. I couldn't help but feel like it was my fault. I didn't task her enough, she didn't have enough to show. I beat myself up over the past few weeks, if you've noticed my previous posts.

I've felt guilty for so long now, troubling Shirleen, so I decided to call and apologize. And I had so much to say, but I panicked, fearing her reaction, and it sounded mostly me just whining sorry over and over again. And the stupidest, biggest slap on the face was: She said something that made so much sense and slapped me back to reality. 'It's already over, it can't be helped.' And... damn. I have wronged this smart witch of a girl and she can still access rational thought while I'm panicking like a little bitch. Man, I probably sounded like I was crying over the phone too. It would've seemed more manly if I had it in person, but I didn't have the balls. But it feels like now, a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

I'm probably gonna be made fun of for quite a while later, but... I don't mind. Forgiveness is the greatest gift I could have right now. I had been a shitty leader. I gave tasks to those I knew capable and didn't give others a chance to show it, and now I know the consequences.

I guess I can start enjoying hanging out as per normal now. God, and people told me not to think so much. Gah, so embarrassing!
Thanks, you smart bitch, Shirleen.

27th March - Ties

Welp, I rebonded my hair today. Apart from smelling sickeningly like flowers or something, I look... a lot like a girl. Like. Really. Kind of borderline just plain, but wearing a hat and I find it hard to tell, myself. Wow. Uh. I'll have fun trolling.

The last two days kind of passed me just like that. I... what did I do yesterday? I can't even remember. It's that dull. I would assume that I was drawing my S4 League manga or doing art, but chances are I procrastinated again. Ever since I finished that J-Pop Club banner I have had like, zero artist points. I managed to doodle a page and a half just a while ago, but that was it just booting up again. I was hoping I'd finish this manga chapter before I entered Poly, but it seems like a tall order now D:

And Poly... Huhh... I heard that we're getting our results soon or something, but I can't remember when. I'm a bit nervous about whether I can get in... the slots they might have for us ITE people might be really, really limited. Hmmmgh... And... friends... huh.

I've said it before, too. I've made so many good friends here in ITE, and now I'm worried about what'll happen to us after we all go our separate ways. We'd promise that we'd meet up then and again, but we'll definitely drift apart, that much is for sure. Even when I hang out with them now, I have no idea what to talk about. I don't know, the anxiety of just parting with people is kind of getting to me, I think. I'm such a cheesy loser :(

Hmm...
Maybe rebonding my hair might've been a bad idea? Would anyone like a androgynous guy? I really suck at this appearance thing OTL

23rd March - Nerve

Woke up again because I just need these troubles to manifest themselves in words for me to brood over.
My troubles recently involves having to design banners and bookmarks for the Japanese Club and having to practice and perform for the Latin Dance club despite having already graduating, squeezing in time to draw my S4 League Manga and complete video games, and my social life. Particularly, the little lass, Shirleen.

This is a guilt trip. Recently it's been really, really, REALLY weighing on me why I added her to my Final Year Project team. I mean, it's not because she's bad or anything. It's more of whether I've put unnecessary pressure on her. The rest of us had a certain amount of skill in art, and I began to wonder whether or not all this time, she's been feeling out of the loop, or feeling like she's a burden on the team. That wasn't the case, but I could see how it would look that way when you compare the amount of tasks I gave Gavin and... well, Justin doesn't really count. But still. It's just... feeling out of place is one of the shittiest feelings, and feeling it now, I feel guilt. Guilty that I may have put her in that same position by dragging her into my team.

Recently on an outing with some of our friends, we got on the topic of... well, a guy that they seemed to dislike, and how easy yet pathetic his Final Year Project was. And then Shirleen pointed out how a team consisting of just me and Zi Sheng would do a much better job. And even in the bus, when they were talking about yet another dislikeable classmate, she mentioned how if I were to train her for a month or so, her art would easily surpass that person's. She's being realistic, but she has such a high opinion of me, it really made me very happy. So bubbly inside, kind of happy. Likewise, I've a good opinion of her as well. Yet, I can't be as blatantly open about it as she is about me. In fact, I may have made her think that she's not as intelligent as she really is from my teasing, and GOD FUCKING DAMMIT I feel so FUCKING GUILTY. She's incredibly brilliant! Her mind works in ways that makes me jealous, and all I've done so far is make her feel incompetent. If only one opportunity would show itself where I could jump on the topic and return the favor.

Every remotely possible chance that has presented itself so far, like today at a one-day event job where we both worked, I can't seem to just bring up a serious conversation. I barely can strike up a conversation. Might also be because being in Work Mode for the past few days have drained my social skills. But still... *sigh*

Reading this over, even though these were my serious thoughts from my mind, I sound really creepy, like one of her many stalkers. Oh god, lol shit that was not my intention at all. But congrats, you have just seen one of the rare moments where I really vomit out a part of my brain to show what I really think of some people.
The more personal I get the more I really don't want anyone to find this blog now.

11th March - Freedom

Well, I've quit my job. I worked for a week, I did enjoy some parts of it, but I really don't think I could last in a workplace where I barely understand anyone and when I get told to do something it has to be repeated 2-3 times and I still might not get it. I'm jobless. And although I don't have money flowing into my bank account, for some reason, I'm quite happy that I have free, empty blocks of time again. It seems like back when I worked, I felt like a robot, just going through the functions. With this free time, my mind wanders. My mind feels alive. My world feels alive. I suppose if I'm going to work, I should find something that doesn't let restrict my thought process. I mean, being a waiter, just repeating taking orders and washing dishes and mopping tables, it's a constant, boring cycle, and it wears out my mind because there's no room for imagination.

For now, I think I'll work on the S4 League manga. Tommy's back in Singapore again, out of nowhere. Played some Tera Online with him and Darren at his place, and kicked both their asses in Halo ONCE AGAIN. Man, just hanging out like this is fun. Time to myself is great. But sometimes I feel lonely, and nothing remedies that better than chilling with friends. There's... a few other cliques that I should be hanging out with, but I don't know if I fit in with them. I mean, sure, I'm in the Whatsapp group, and Facebook groups, and whatnot, but... I don't know, I feel really out of place. I read all the conversations going on still though. I find it so awkward and hard to jump into the conversations they have. It seems like I only actually talk in any of these groups when my specifically my name is called, because then I know someone actually wants my input ._.

Look at my social life crashing and burning as soon as school's out. I do hope Poly's a lot better. On the other hand, I also worry about me and my ITE friends forgetting each other as time goes on, as we make better friends in Poly. Will keeping distance now numb the pain for when it does come? Questions that continue to have no real correct answer...

6th March - Server

The reason I haven't been posting much is because I got a part-time job. I work as a Server in this diner called Udon King. And the name's bloody misleading. I initially asked for the job because I thought it'd be Japanese food, but it's mixed culture fusion cuisine. It's bloody disgusting. To me, at least. I still question how this place gets customers. The job itself isn't... that bad. I'm not ranting because I think it's hard. I'm ranting because I'm the only fluent English-speaker in the place and I have no one to converse with, and I can't understand orders from anyone. And work as a server/waiter is actually a lot more skills-demanding than a lot of people think. You have to coordinate so many things, and you have a lot more tasks than just taking orders. You have to clean up plates. Wipe tables. Set menus. Deliver food. Sounds little. But then multiply that by like 60. And that's not counting the extra orders some customers make. Or some of them being dicks and asking for extra shit. And the strain on your back by the end of the day. Ohhh god damn. You will bless your bed.

Well, this sounds like some insignificant whining from a punk who's never held up a job for long periods of time before. And it's not entirely wrong. I mean, I love my free time. I miss it already. My free time is what keeps my mind active and imaginative. Coming up with brilliant shit. And subsequently forgetting it by accident. But still. I feel like a drone of the system just by having this mind-numbing job. I need the money, as much as I am skilled at saving, but maybe trying to get it fast by pushing a job I hate may not be the best method for my soul DX
I do want to quit. But I can't bring myself to do it. The manager seems to be really eager to have this young boy on board the team, and from what she says (and what I understand from it) it sounds like she has high hopes for me. I've already fucked up majorly a few times, broke some shit. I've only been here less than a week. I really want to pack up and go, but my conscience is really making me feel the guilt pangs... How do I go about this...