11th June - Temporal

Haven't blogged because I've been tired the past few nights. I'm doing this now because I'm waiting for a video to render. I've been getting used to working, although I still feel like I'm terribly unproductive. At least I don't feel as alien as I did at first, but still the grief of not being creative at the same time as I am trying to earn money just frustrates me within.

Outside of work, I've been doing my fair share of art though. I'm picking up, and I'm quite proud. School holidays has started, leaving me more free, although friends have been inviting me out. Which is good, I before the holidays started I was craving for the holidays but as soon as it did I began to miss all my classmates. Work and friends have caused me to lose time with my ITE clique though. There's a slight sadness in me about that.

Many of my friends are grieving inside (not counting the ones that are just attracting attention), and I feel helpless, once again. I think I might be getting better at getting their mind off the matter but still no so much on helping them muster courage to tackle it on their own.

Met Ignatius again after so long through Vincent. He met with my classmates too, and man, he hasn't lost a single bit of coolness. I think that I find it hard to hang with Chinese-cliques now because I've been hanging out a lot with English-spoken classmates and old English friends.

I've heard my voice over a speaker and what sounds like a fancy british accent on the inside sounds like a whiny Singaporean boy trying to act Caucasian and this makes me tear my hair out.

3rd June - Abstract

A lot of negative self-reflection today. I've been getting frustrated with myself for hitting my dead end and just leaving it like that. Barely making it for assignments, and doing a slack job and getting a regularly decent grade while rumor has it Groups 1 and 2 have superb artworks. Fuck! I keep telling myself to buck up but there's this big psychological block

Talked to Joey about it in an attempt to coerce her negative inner feelings out, and she kind of remedied my problem by changing my mindset on the situation not as doing irrelevant stuff to game design, but seeing it as challenges I have to overcome.

Still can't see to help her though. She has some bad anxiety, insecurity and inferiority issues and I don't know how to approach the solution.

Been also questioning love.

I don't feel emotions so finding love is hard. But maybe a love for thinker-types exists out there. I'm having that small panic I'll be alone forever, and that bothers me a little bit. Also this matter with Syai liking me and not being able to drop it makes it feel like I'll never be considered as a viable dating partner by any other classmate throughout the whole of this course. Life is confusing right now.

Just have to take things one at a time. Like seriously.

Focusing on the week just makes me remember I have work on weekends and that bums me out.

2nd June - Actualization

Went to Vincent's house today to do homework. I hadn't seen him in quite a while. Apparently he was trying to resist sleep so he could set his body clock back, and he was quite happy I arrived to keep him up because he was on the verge of collapsing into slumber alone HAHAHA

We talked a lot. We always talk a lot when we're together. I talked about my school friends, then we contemplated life, shared analyses, watched Table Talk, tried some Table Talk of our own, went over our bucket lists, shared that we both want to find romance but both of us being 'Thinkers' rather than 'Feelers', achieving that was difficult. Because us Thinkers need reasons to feel a certain way. We have reasons we are happy or sad or angry. Same for love. That's why the concept of unconditional love is so difficult to come to us because that's a feeling thing. Something you just... feel.

Overall it was fun to chat with my best friend all over again. I've been hitting a bit of an identity crisis because with every clique I'm in, I change personalities so drastically it scares me. But with Vince, I can be myself. The pondering, intellectual, analytical me, and he can be the same. Perhaps I got influenced by him as we hung out. Or maybe we hung out in the first place because we were both like this. How we became best friends was so strange. Vincent was the super popular guy. And yet he started to hang out with me because he wanted out of the scene, and he said back then he found me cool. Wow, I was a nerdy otaku boy back then. Yet I'm so flattered, ahahaha. We've both changed a lot since then, and he's proved to me that the Realization of Self really exists for everyone. He calls is Self Actualization, but it meant the same thing.

My day was ruined when I couldn't get out of work to go out on the June 8th outing planned since way back. Such a bummer. I feel guilty for working so few days but my meetings with people really are much more important to me than earning money :( At least Vincent might be joining me at work soon, maybe. Hooray!

1st June - Shrivel

Ugh, even though I told myself that getting a job would make me treasure my time more and that I'm willing to spend the time to earn money, but god damn I hate working. I'm just standing there in a non-creative environment not allowed to daydream because I have to pay attention and ughhh... It'd be damn wussy if I quit after a few days though. I really want to have my free time, but I want money too. When will a proper game design job roll in *sigh*

I spent the day after coming back from work reading and catching up on manga and I'm just like 'Shit, why aren't I drawing my manga.' I have to really start building my work ethic up. I need to really focus on what I want, and work towards it. Slacking and sitting back and relaxing is tempting as hell, but I'm going to have to truck through and make myself do it if I want to achieve anything. There are people out there, my age, who have achieved greater things because they refused to let it go. And here I am, just all talk. Fuck me, I gotta get moving.

Chatting with friends is fun though. According to rumors, people are getting jealous when I'm with Joey. Which is strange because Joey has a boyfriend, Shawn. So why are they jealous... of me? I'm a pal, I hang with Joey because we have quite a bit in common and we click really well because we can get really crazy about shit we like (also I introduced her to ONE OK ROCK and she likes it fuuuck yeah). I don't really wish to be part of the love tetrahedron that is this class. I reflected a bit over what makes up the foundation of my Logic-first, Feelings-last mindset. To build it, I had to focus on one goal. One thing in life that I wanted. Which was wanting to be the best game designer in the world. And focus solely on that. Make my life revolve around that. And everything else will seem so much less important it'd be on a scale you can just analyze and contemplate. My life revolves around my dream. Were something to happen to me, like permanent blindness or loss of my arms, that would impair me from achieving my dream, my life would stop right there and then. This is the gamble I've taken to become the me I am now. I just have to act on it.
Come on Calvin.

30th May - Reasons

The past few days had been spent catching up on homework. Especially the group projects. Finally! Everything is done! Now it's just the individual assignments, which are a lot less stressful since we don't have to constantly discuss! Thank god for no more group projects WHOOHOO!!

-which is what I would say, but these recent projects have turned out amazing. I've always thought a whole team of me would be flawless, but working with some people in which I've thought were problematic and that I'd have to carry, have surprised me over the course of the projects. The results of every project that has come out so far, I can honestly be proud about. That they have been good jobs. It's amazing. One to notice especially is Gillian's amazing video editing ability. I had thought that my minimal knowledge of Adobe Premiere Pro would put me in front of the whole class in video editing, but when she did hers and showed it to me, my jaw figuratively dropped. I would not have even imagined that it would be presented in that way, and yet it's so amazing! Had I been cocky and done it, it would have come out a lot more lengthy and boring, although informative. A slew of fantastic projects. I need to learn to stop underestimating people and stop overestimating myself.

Recently my friends have been in states of various kinds of depression, and I've been trying to help, but I am incapable of it, once again. I try to explain to them how things would turn out better or how there are better things out there or how to work their way around the problem in my sagely-robotic-long-analysis method but it only ends up confusing them. And in a way, me as well, on what response could they possibly be having now. I do wish I really could tell what goes on in a person's head, to know what they'd like to hear or be able to match what I want to say to what they would understand. The innards is my own mind is so complex, I want to say it out but the only way I can express it is in long chunks of words. I need to gain a better grasp of my identity. Of me. My dreams. My ambitions. My goals. My ideas. My ideals. My beliefs. My soul.

23rd May - Leverage

I am so pissed. I haven't been angry in such a long time, and here I am fuming the fuck out now. Well, actually I cooled down after a few rounds of S4 League, but it still pissed me off, what happened today.

Design Fundamentals class was put off, probably due to the teacher's illness, so we took the time to go the library to discuss our Comm Skills project. In the process, I noticed Syai writing a note, so I looked over her shoulder to inspect it. From the content, it seemed to be a letter supposedly addressed to me. She chucked it later, so I didn't get to see it. I mean, I could've dug into the bin and fetched it to read, but I didn't feel like pulling up the ruse to do it. What could I possibly do even if I did read it? I suppose this started my volatile mood for the rest of the day though. If still being friendly towards Syai bolsters her feelings, then by logic I should avoid her. But that would be jerky, and also would probably toss her into a cycle of self-hate. I am so torn. Everyone's always telling me to console her whenever she is down. To hug her when she's burying her head in her arms. But what about me? Is she really the only victim here? I have to play a ruse, and act, and feel guilty about it afterwards? That's my purpose?

Storyboarding class is what really ticked me off. Apart from Ms. Gail being a grand bitch to begin with, with her self-praise and her baseless criticisms, the fact that she began to take on favoritism really ticked me off. And not only that, it was of Bryan. God fucking dammit. We've all followed her instructions because we thought she wanted us to follow her teaching pace, and then when this grand fucking idiot goes out and does something not only extra, but unnecessary, she praises him for being fast and ahead of everyone?! FUCK. And she asks for a piece of paper from me to photocopy, I thought it'd be for the class. She photocopied a whole stack just for that grand idiot. I was just used as a stepping stone. Some people may think I'm just being too proud, but fuck, THAT TRAMPLED ALL OVER MY PRIDE AS AN ARTIST. Not only losing to this ass, but take my resources and use it on him. FUCKING HELL! When Joey and Isabelle got into a mess with the photocopier, she decided NOT to go and help them, for reasons such as 'she'll get angry at me too' BITCH you're a teacher, you have so much more leverage than students. You have students that might have to part with $140 because of a misunderstanding, and you're only concerned about keeping your own fucking job?! I am just fueled with hatred towards that Irish bitch now.

22nd May - Space

I don't feel very good about myself today.

Went for Japanese Club. Impressed people with my drawing.

Went for Drama Club. Remembered what I liked about Drama. And also what I hated.

Went home.

Broke down Wei Qiang's psyche to people. I could've been wrong.
What worried me more is that I probably looked like a show-off or a know-it-all or something.
Fuck.

Starting to get paranoid of what people think of me.

I am worried.

Also, no progress on my RPG Maker game today. Shit.

Hope for improvement tomorrow.

21st May - Asphyxiation

Went to school earlier today even though class started like 5 hours later because peeps wanted to celebrate Sundram's birthday. Alright, truth be told, I didn't want to celebrate it. Mostly because I'm a miser, and well, I don't particularly enjoy Sundram's company. Partly because he reminds me of the faggots back in Secondary School that I hated so much. But he's nice. Just that I feel uncomfortable around him (and he smells odd too. Like some kind of cologne?). It may take some time to get used to it. Regardless, if I want friends, sacrifices have to be made. I need to take a step out and reach out to people so they can reach out to me.

I pinched Isabelle's phone and ran away with it because this whole skirmish thing started from yesterday when she took my hat and I took her phone. This time I ran one whole round. It was funny at first, but then even after she returned it she didn't let up. I'm ticklish, and she took advantage of that. I used to like being tickled, but now I fucking hate it. It's like that feeling of losing control of your own body. Just terrible. But that was the leverage she used against me the whole damn day. At one point, we were wasting time in the Lecture Theater before leaving for dinner, and she was chasing me around the whole place. I had no time to catch my breathe and regain oxygen. Fear began to set in. Like seriously, I was dangling on the borderline of a panic attack, with Isabelle constantly on my tail and no where to run. My heart was beating so fast I swear.

As I ran around the Lecture Theater to get away from her, I chanced across Syai, sulking alone outside. I thought it strange, so I decided to sit next to her as I regained my breath. As she hunched over the table to what I initially thought was to sleep, I noticed her wristbands shivering. She was crying. So I hugged her and she cried into my shirt. She didn't tell me much about what troubled her, and I guessed a few times, but I didn't probe much further. I suppose some of her grief lies with me, but there's not much I can do about it. I feel so bad using my position as her interest to calm her, but I am a friend before anything else, and I... mmm... I can keep glorifying it as much as I want, but no matter what I'll still be conflicted on the inside...

20th May - Lucidity

I'm surprised! Inez actually does work! Granted, perhaps it's because none of us did anything, but I was rather impressed to see that she worked on a PowerPoint for our Principles of Game Design project. Even though it's just copypasta, it's pleasing to know even this crazy yaoi fangirl midget has a work ethic.

I suppose the biggest event that has happened to me today really was me just pacing around the third floor pondering about my RPG Maker idea. I really wanted to make something great. I couldn't just make another mockery of traditional RPGs, because that gets old and it has no depth. I had to make something amazing. I had to create a world that was amazing. And not just another fucking fantasy JRPG piece-of-shit. That's overplayed and overdone. I have to make something that stands out. Making something unique is something I'd have to be good at, I'm not going to go with the flow and make some cookie-cutter basic thing just to make ends meet. I have to set records in history. And although progress is slow right now, I did think it through very much. I came up with some brilliant ideas. To me, anyway. Details about the setting, special gimmicks, within the restrictions of RPG Maker but enough to make it great. Or, at least it seems that way in my head. I know I'll probably hit a few bumps along the way, procrastination included, but I hope I'll be able to grow enough to ingrain enough maturity in my mind that this is my dream, and this is what I want to do.

I met Zi Sheng today. He's been working at the Vegetarian Food Stall at my school recently. It's so great to see my programming counterpart. With him no longer in the same school as me, seeing how he's going to army first, I've been lacking a person I could rant and talk to. Zi Sheng has been lonely over not having seen anyone other than Vanessa for so long, it was so great to just talk to him again. I first complained about the peculiarity of my class, and then we went on and on and on, and then it came to the topic of games and it got really heated. We're both so passionate about this shit, I can't wait for when I'm good enough to make it real, and work in a company with him by my side, taking the world by storm in concept, art and programming. It's my life's goal!

19th May - Table

I've recently been really getting into SourceFed's Tabletalk. At first I found it through Meg Turney's sexy underwear photo, but now I'm really getting into the content of the show itself. The premise in itself really interests me. People sitting around a table and people on twitter and reddit just thrown in topics and ideas and then they speak their mind about the subject. Oh god, it's genius. It's the kind of thing I'd really enjoy. It really makes me wish I was on Tabletalk, just have topics thrown at me, because every time they discuss something, I'm coming up with lots of things in my head too. God, it's so fun. And the show has so many personalities, it's great. Personally, I like Phillip deFranco, Meg Turney and Joe Bereta shows the most. Phillip, because for a long time I've been a big Phillip fan. His show alone beats SourceFed's news, because of his amazing charisma and how he words things. And yet on Tabletalk you can see him being all geeky and like. Then Meg Turney, oh god, she is gorgeous. Not only is she hot, she's a gamer girl, she's proud of being a woman without being a bitch about it, she's cheerful, expressive, just brilliant. I suppose expressive girls are really my type of girl. Which feels strange to admit because Meg Turney actually seems like an older, Caucasian version of Joey. And if I do admit it out to people how I find those traits attractive people might... think other things. +awkwardness because Joey and Shawn are dating. Joe Bereta doesn't get a lot of shows, but the shows he's on, he's explosive as fuck. Phillip is the cool charisma, sharp and to the point, Joe's the flaming loud charisma, his opinions are way out there, yet at the same time they hit the subjects very well. And he's really expressive too, really catches my attention how he acts out some roles he's demonstrating.

So yeah, this entire blogspot has just been a TableTalk rant. There's not much to mention. I applied for a job at an unknown pizza place with barely any business, if that's any news at all. Oh, and new iPhone games. SO FUN.

18th May - Dare

Went to Yiru's birthday today. I was really reluctant on leaving the house just to go all the way to Woodlands but she seemed to be expecting me, so I thought I'd go surprise her. It was kind of awkward being there with the family and a bunch of her friends, and the only ones I know are the 3 I met back on my Hong Kong trip, but the bright side was there was a buffet. All good. Food solves all the wrongs. I did feel kind of estranged though. Mostly because there were a lot of guys there that she randomly invited, and high chance a lot of them are quite fond of her, and yet she's really comfortable with me because we've been Latin Dance partners for a good year or so, and we've gotten past the touch-awkwardness thing, and lots of people start questioning whether or not I'm her boyfriend and stuff and... Ooh, what do I look like in the eyes of all these guys? A threat? Through some song, and a Truth-or-Dare game, I got to know the others a bit. They all seemed to be younger than me, seeing how terrible they were at Truth-or-Dare. I mean, the point of the game is to put risk into it. Things that they wouldn't dare to do or say, and that's what makes this game so thrilling. But every time a hard risk or personal truth comes out (most of them all thrown in by me), they chicken out, or their friends offer to numb it down. NOOO It's supposed to be a pain to answer, god dammit!

I left for home rather early, although because of my following two guys who thought they knew the way and ended up elsewhere, I got the last bus back home. The day might have been better spent doing things on my to-do list. I have a manga to draw, the S4 League one I have left in the corner of my table for quite a while now, school homework by the piles, mostly group projects, making it much more troublesome, and quite recently I've added RPG Maker back in the list. I woke up today with a brilliant idea for a game possible to make in RPG Maker, and I can still link it to my in-the-works Legend of Punks, and I am so proud of myself for coming up with something so amazing that I want to do it but there just isn't time and I am just ._.
Someone said that even comparing me to other guys with multiple skills, I have appeal because I'm special and unique. And that made me d'aww. I really want to see how I am from outside me LOL

17th May - Dependence

After handing up our assignments after school today, the party took on the daily ritual of going to my house every Friday. Ashley wanted to watch me play Assassin's Creed 3 and fail badly at it, so I obliged. Assassin's Creed is fun, but I can't bring myself to finish the game ever LOL It's really big, I want to do every single side quest, it takes forever. Ashley kicked the open disc button on the Xbox shortly after, and we switched to WarioWare for a short round and then Super Smash Bros. Brawl shortly after, getting the others to play too. I'm actually surprised that they would, normally when I try to recommend Brawl to anyone I fail pretty badly. Lots of screaming, lots of laughing, these are the best ways to play fighting games XD

When they left later, a most peculiar thing happened when I hugged Syai goodbye. It... may have been just me, I couldn't tell because of all the hair, but she might have... kissed my neck? I feel a pressure at the side of my neck, and I didn't know what to think. It's not like I'm disgusted or hate it or anything, it's just... now I feel more confused about what to do. This lass is dependent on me. I don't return her feelings, yet if I don't show minimally this much attention to her, she gets on unstable trains of thought and might even spiral down to suicide. Her life has become my responsibility. Uwah, it's a lot of pressure, being responsible for someone else's life. It never ends with me, huh. The girls that like me are those that are emotionally dependent. I mean, I know that relationships are about depending on each other, but when it's a one-way street, there's just so much pressure on one end, it's terrible. If I were in a relationship like that, I'd be too uncomfortable worrying about what to say, rather than enjoying the relationship. Several people in my class are so dependent on other people to build an image of themselves, rather than doing it themselves. I hope they can learn to build their own image, their existence becoming dependent on their own willpower.

Someone in Singapore has found my blog. I'm now a bit insecure. Someone googled my blog address. Uwah, it was supposed to be secret, how did anyone find it?! Who is it? God damn, AAAAAA

16th May - Anymore

We had to explore some artsy places in and around Outram Park today for Design Fundamentals. One of the shitty parts was having to get in a group, because I wanted take a video of the whole trip as a 'zombie apocalypse' instead of an art tour. Of course, looking at it now, listening to my terrible recorded voice, I can deem this as a failure. A bit worried for my project now, hope I can salvage it by just... kicking out the audio. This trip was quite beneficial overall though. Lots of chances to increase friendship points all around. In the end I was threatened with failure were I not in a group, so I begged Gillian and Bunninez to let me in theirs. Yay. But now what.

It's actually rather amusing to see the drama surrounding the lovebirds Shawn and Joey increase. Being the victim of the OTP Zombies not so long ago, I empathize with how they feel being teased by everyone, but not joining in is the maximum of my capability. I'm enjoying everyone's ways of teasing too much to try and stop them HAHAHA Joey did say that I'm the second best person to hang out with, and aww, that's such a big compliment for me. I'll continue trying to be this dramatic, charisma-oozing, annoying prick as the years go on.

Syai is starting to enter a dangerous state of mind. I'm worried for her. The mystery of where the blood on her pen knife came from was revealed. It came from her palm. I... I am no good with feelings, I cannot begin to feel what she's feeling. I don't know the cause either, so I can't give advice. Apparently she disappeared earlier on too, and from her twitter posts it seemed she wanted to commit suicide. I can only hug her. Try to make her feel okay. Tell her to stop hurting herself. But this is it. I can't do anything past this. I'm helpless. And these hugs that I can give, they can only having an effect for so long. I'd be lucky if it worked once or twice more now. I want to tell her that she can live her life anew from this point on, she's in Poly, but I don't know how to throw it in a way it's so impactful for her she would stop all her self-hate. I fear what if I'm the cause of her suffering?

15th May - Curves

I really shouldn't be online at this time of night, but recently because of Phillip DeFranco with his featuring of that SourceFed gal's underwear poster, and then going further into his channel to see his new hot intern as well features of Jessica Nigiri, Lisa Ramos and OOOOOOHHH MY GOD MELANIE IGLESIAS. She is sooooo fine. Phillip DeFranco has proven to me that you can be gentlemanly while appreciating hot chicks, and suddenly he's so much more of a role model for me.

Today was the first day of the Japanese Club's Manga division. They handed us a blank piece of paper and I drew on it myself, with extensive use of hatching and speed lines. Ink and everything. When some others saw it later on, they were all '*cries*', and it made me feel kind of unwelcome already. I mean, I know that they're impressed, but... with this, I've kinda set in stone my place where I can't fit in. They'll try to chill but they'll never be honest with me. This is one of the cons of being a 'perfect guy', huh...

This is really bringing up my insecurities all over again. I really am different. Isabelle said I'm always the advisor of the group, giving... well, advice to all the depressed little kiddies. True, but that's all I can do. Were there come a time a friend needs someone to feel sad for them, to be there with them, to support them, I... would be terrible at that. As much as logic frees me and opens up my mind to so many methods and processes, it also binds and chains me down from being able to feel as much as regular people do. This is probably how love appears like to me as well though. I've noticed when I'm with an attractive girl, I will notice them, I will try to get their attention, but when I'm alone and I think about it, I... feel so neutral towards it. Towards love. Towards relationships. I see couples talk about having fun together. I get jealous for awhile. Like, a moment. Then it's gone. Back to doing other stuff. I fear being alone forever yet I can't seem to see myself finding a girlfriend. I know that I shouldn't think so much about this 'feeling matter' but what if I do something stupid if I didn't? *sigh*
I need moneys too. Driving lessons are expensive. I want to buy shit. But that's expensive too.

14th May - Graduation

Today was my graduation ceremony! Apart from the monotony of the ceremony itself, with the wearing of the stiff gowns and the sitting and waiting and the formalities, it was a welcome closure to the journey that was my ITE life.

I left class early and changed into my dress shirt and tie before I left with Jun Cheng for ITE. God damn, it was so stuffy! Shirleen tackled me from behind shortly afterward, god, it's so good to see this darling gal again,especially after basking in the... diverse environment of my class, her snapbacks to reality and straightforwardness was very welcome. The old clique, the "family", all over again. Of course I felt that out-of-place feel again, but this time it wasn't deliberate. My brain probably imprinted this behavior when I'm with them. But at least this time around I was able to let loose a little bit more, to stop worrying like a little bitch about what I look like and be the true me, because it was alright. And alright is good.

Mom came to the ceremony later on, and she saw a few of my achievements shown up on the screen before meeting me after I got my certificate and camwhoring with me right in the middle of nowhere. Ahahaha, a pity she had to leave so early. Photos and videos were shown of our journey in ITE, and I got a little emotional inside. Clearly not as much as Shirleen though, seeing how she cried. I really should've burst into tears too, these were... very, very good times.

When we were dismissed out later, seeing all the parents with their kids all happy and like, I cringed inside. I was a tad jealous, seeing dads and moms being really proud of their kids there. Mom was proud of me too, but she's busy, and I understand, but I still get a bit envious. But then, I was called back by my friends to camwhore and screw around. None of them had family over too. I wasn't alone. This is my "family" too. I felt a lot better. With this conclusion, will the paths we take begin to diverge further? I will miss these people, and I will miss these moments.

13th May - Detection

I'm quite glad I'm actually pretty good friends with some peeps. Ashley in particular. Both of us are fucking retarded. I enjoy his company very much. I really should've grouped up with him for Principles of Game Design. We had to group up in teams of three, and me and Ashley joined up at first to do Zelda. But no-fucking-anyone else plays Zelda. Then Gillian and Inez invited me to their group cos' they wanted to do Final Fantasy. And I was like, woah, gamer girls passionate about Final Fantasy? Shit I'm in! And I ditched Ashley, much to my regret afterward after I found out Gillian and Inez both don't actually play the games, they just fucking fangirl over the Square Enix-level graphics hot guys. Oh god. I managed to convince them to change to a game that at least two out of the three of us play, that is, Super Smash Bros. Brawl. Me and Inez play the shit out of it, and we'd probably have to badger Gillian into it too. It feels like I'm carrying this team though. I'm the one doing all the typing and the classifying, and the instructions. And when I let them do it I see all the typos and shit and I'm like UUUUUGGGHHHH. It'd be nice to work in a team of just all mes. That'll be like the maximum productivity team. Once we get past the procrastination.

Gillian broke down later on in class today too. And Syai was right on it, comforting her. I had no idea what's going on, I couldn't possibly ask. I mean, that'll be like I'm interrogating her all over again. She came back later fine, but I found clean blood on Syai's penknife. I thought it might be Syai cutting but her forearm seemed to be fine (on first glance?). She might've helped Gillian cut, but... I couldn't see anything either. Geez, I feel so helpless. I've noticed multiple people in class with their depression issues. Some with good reason, some less. Gillian and Syai both tire from life, Ashley is on the road to recovery from his new beginnings here, Wei Qiang not really that depressed but just seeking attention, Isabelle, with the newfound knowledge of her boyfriend losing the love, Joey with her inner loneliness, amongst a few others. You know, it's so stupid. The limitations that I have realized. I can only tell if people are distressed, but I suck, absolutely suck, at solving the problem. A person like me, with multiple talents gained from my Realization of Self, can't possibly begin to understand and empathize with the average person. I can't comfort them, I have zero idea how they feel. For myself, I break everything else down to a logic and it works out fine, but nobody else works by that way, and my solutions are invalid. I'm just a metal detector, not a minesweeper.

12th May - Guesses

I've already made some regrettable decisions over the course of this weekend, god dammit. During a conversation with Joey, there was this moment I couldn't resist my prediction skills. My SCAN Psycho-Skill and general guessing ability. I described what I saw in her submerged personality and also deduced that she was picking her lip during the conversation. And I nearly got them both correct. Which impressed... myself. I mean, every time I do this and I get it correct, I always impress myself. BUT FUUUUUCK, I was supposed to be normal and not stand out! Me being able to draw already makes me stand out, yet I've already lectured Nas like real mature like, joined 10 clubs, showed an ability to rap, and now I revealed my fucking Psycho-Skill?! SHIIT!! I'm just sticking out like a sore thumb more and more! I wanted to fit in this time around! And now... And now... Q_Q Now everyone'll see me differently... They'll treat me all friendly-like, but what if in their heads they're all seeing me as superior and they'll never be honest with me? I'm so worried...

Yet even with my omnipotent mind reading combination skills, I still can't solve everyone's problems as much as I'd like. Recently Wei Qiang's been groaning about being depressed and emo and needing someone to talk to. And as much as the solution to his wallowing is as clear as fucking day to me, I just can't seem to bring myself to go help him. He really seems like he's fishing for sympathy, and god, do I hate those kinds of people. Their mindsets are so straightforward and transparent it's annoying D: He's either really lonely and needs someone to talk to, or he's had a girl that has caught his attention and he's hoping for her pity. Either way, is the opportunity arises that I have to take action, it's really simple. Then there's Gillian, who counts on me as her 'gan', which is like a brother... of sorts? She's tired of life. Tired of everything. She's been keeping all her hardships bottled up inside and wants to implode, but I can't seem to get any information out of her, because she says that she's tired of 'everything'. I... am at a loss. I think this is where girls make better listeners than guys. I'm not sure at all how to approach it. I'm so used to tackling and deducing a situation based on their mindsets and the hints I'm given, but when such a crucial moment appears and all I can do is disturb her more with my interrogation... I really feel like shit. I need to revise my psychological approaches if I want to help more people.

8th May - Molehills

I didn't have school today, but I went anyway. I had Japanese club activities at 3pm, but it appeared some of my friends were in school, so I decided to head down. Ashley, Syai, Jeff and Nas were there. Ugh, Nas. He really blew things up today. There was a Dance Central competition going on, and he wanted to win that Xbox 360. The thing is, he had the high score until we went down a second time to see a girl reach an extremely insane score of 3,000,000. At that point he really snapped. I tried the game again with him, but he didn't reach remotely close, probably because he was playing on Beginner. Either way, he totally blew up on the way to the 5th floor, where Syai and him needed to go for their interview. Blaming the people running the booth for not telling him he could choose his difficulty. Whining and bitching and basically throwing the blame anywhere but on himself. Oh god, I raised my voice and told him to stop it, that if he wanted the prize so bad he could just go back and play again and again. Syai was the unfortunate witness of it all, and I'm sorry to have raised my voice around the poor timid girl. Eventually I argued enough for him to calm down. And then he started going on about people hating him (with good reason). I gave him some advice, tips and philosophies on how to make himself more likable. I made up a few stories, but so long as he got it. I hope.

Syai reported to everyone that I snapped. I didn't! I wasn't angry the least bit. I just raised my voic- okay fine, maybe I did get frustrated a little bit. I suppose this is what me 'snapped' looks like to people whom I've only showed my calm, calculative side. Oh, the day when I get genuinely angry. I've been reflecting on my lack of feelings a lot, and I think that I'm just bottling them inside. That I have an automatic bottle-up-my-emotions function, so I don't get really upset, or dejected, or desperate. One day, that dam will burst. And all of emotions will wreck havoc on my mind so hard I can't even fathom what I would do then. And I pray that day doesn't come.

Back on love forecast, I find Joey very, very attractive, the way she's so expressive. Again, I'm not going for a relationship just yet, but I'm just realizing that expressive girls really nab my attention. Aww yeah.

7th April - Ooze

Today seemed to pass fine. Syai was awkward at first, but my super casual skills mellowed her out. I didn't see her for the first half of the day because she was called away by the teach. I hanged out with the clique with the new addition of Jeff, who fought me in Pokemon last night, and won some and lost some. He's actually a pretty cool guy, I found out we actually play a lot of the same games. Awesome.

The rest of it was me spending time trying to compose a rap for Comm Skills and a script for Social Etiquette. Composing music is actually some hard shit. But at least I know how Epic Rap Battles makes their rhymes now. It's not actually as long as it sounds. But blegh, rhyming. After I saw Syai, I passed her some Vaseline to coat her cuts, after the explaining to the rest of my classmates who knew what the other common use of Vaseline is.

Well, the main thing is that we're still friends. She's a bit more affectionate now, but our friendship isn't jeopardized. I'm a bit worried about other ladies not wanting to approach me now because they want to give Syai space. I mean, sure I'm not hunting for a relationship at the moment, like I've said many times. But if I'm going to wait like a year or two, by then if this keeps up everyone might have found targets elsewhere than the guy that turned down Syai because they wanted to respect their sis.

Ayye... The negative feelings are flowing back again. Must've been the mention of me being a perfect guy. I'm lonely. Not just in relationships, but in the world. I can't find an equal quite like me. And it's... so upsetting. I act like I'm always happy, but I let my mind slip from optimistic thoughts for one moment, and all this self-hate comes back. Maybe everyone else's pity-fishing depression is affecting me all over again.
I'm starting a new habit of spending an hour on the bass and one hour drawing every day. I need to spend time on things that matters once again

6th May - Acceptance

Today I was let slip by my friends that Syai likes me. And she knew. She knew that they let me know. She knew that I know. And so she got really depressed. Maybe it's because now that I know I ruined the moment. Or maybe it's because she felt betrayed by her friends. Either way, it's not their fault. I mean, I kinda figured it back then. I played dumb all this time because, well, if you liked someone, would you want them to know when you're not ready to let it be known? This event was to happen eventually, anyway. It was inevitable. Although I wasn't really sure what to do. I don't reciprocate. I can't reciprocate. Joey said I had too high standards, and I suppose I have to agree. That my fucked up analytic mind measures the pros and cons way too much for me to even judge by my feelings. Still, I tried my best to comfort her. She's my friend. And even though this event happened, no matter how it happened, and this result were to occur, she would've wanted things to be the same, and I'll respect that. Honestly, you'd really have to be a dick to start shunning a girl after she has confessed to you. Well, uh, I suppose I'm guilty of that too, but I didn't like the company of that other girl before she confessed to me anyway. Ugh. Yeah, Calvin, you're a real hypocrite.

After the emotional outbursts, I managed to get back on regular talking and joking terms with her. Many of them questioned 'What am I going to do now? How will you treat Syai?' And I told them all the same thing. That nothing will change. They worry about her falling harder for me, but if I had to choose between her unrequited admiration and being a dick, I'd definitely choose the former. But hohoho, from this event Joey said that I'm like the perfect guy, in looks, personality, everything. Awww, that's such a compliment. I know I have a chock full of flaws within. I just can't describe them. And besides, the perfect guy is not what any girls wants. They want someone with obvious flaws like them, so they can compliment each other. I'm just a novelty at this point, with all the skills and abilities I had trained and obtained over these years. It's quite upsetting, really.
Oh boy, it seems like my life is revolving around love all over. Time for me to steer it back to my pursuit of being a Game Designer.

5th May - Omission

I uploaded my drawing of Darren's drawing that I was doing since last night. Along with a photo of my new bass. What I did not expect was that the bass would attract so much attention. I had worked a good 8 hours or so on the drawing, and I took a second to take a photo of the Bass, and the drawing only got like, what, 3 likes? And the bass has a plethora. I mean, seriously, what, why? Q_Q The drawing, it iz beautiful, why do you not appreciate?

Really all I did in the day was procrastinate my work. I had a little left, but I downloaded a chock of iPhone games in the morning because so many were on sale, and... well actually they were all disappointing, but still I spent the day lying on my bed playing those. Then some S4 League. And then by the influence of my classmates, I picked up Homestuck again.

Homestuck is amazing. Although the medium in which they showed this series is quite shit, the creativity in the story itself is... wow. No detail is left out, I'm halfway through Act 2 and I can kind of see how the paradoxes in the past and future kind of connect. There's decent amounts of foreshadowing, enough to pique your interest, yet not too much to spoil everything. And how the systems in the story work together with each other, how they can't pick up items normally but are bound by the laws of their captchalogues and shit. The creator of this has to either be a genius or an eccentric lunatic, I swear.

I hate paints. I'm supposed to do shades of a color, but everytime I try to get a darker red I get either Magenta or Brown. What gives...?!

How is one supposed to act when they know someone likes them? I know Syai likes me, I don't see her in the same way. But still, I suppose it is rather obvious, but were I to reveal that I managed to put 2 and 2 together, it would ruin the moment for her, wouldn't it? She's a good friend, I'll just continue on as I have.

4th May - Infatuation

Today there was the May the Fourth be with you Star Wars event in school, I decided to go, on behest of my classmates bugging me. I actually rather enjoyed it, seeing how I never actually did watch Star Wars. Me and my Poly friends left for lunch at AMK Hub after that. Shirleen and the rest wanted to come over today, so a while later I left the group. And when I met up with my old ITE friends, I really noticed the huge difference in how I interact with them. Maybe it's because my Poly friends speak mostly English, and this bunch mostly Chinese, but I do not know whether to be upset or happy that I'm currently enjoying the company of my Poly friends more than my ITE friends. Does this come with knowing each other for a long time? I felt like such a bad host, playing Zohan, which I enjoy, and we didn't actually do anything fun the whole day really.

Back on the Facebook chat, the class tackles love, and how I'm such an adorable motherfucker but still single. And it baffled everyone, how I just don't perceive the concept of love as easily as they do. I mean, it's  been only 3 weeks, how can you possibly know someone enough to know that you're in love with them? It's so bizarre. Darren got into a relationship too, and wow, congratulations to him, but really? Will this last, knowing them only this long? You haven't seen how they react through crises, or how they really are inside. Do they snap violently under pressure? Do they have inner wounds they'd rather not show? Personally I think all these are important, which is why I'm single right now. I mean, from the hints I'm gathering, Syai likes me. She's a good friend and all, and I never really saw her past that. What's more, I suspect her just getting out of a bad relationship is why she's showing so much affection. But had I been as hasty to jump into a relationship as some others I know, I would be with a girlfriend now, but at the same time, it probably wouldn't last. I'm not dating anyone until I've known them at least... I don't know, half a year, give or take? It really depends on the situations that happen in between. And even if a girl I do end up fancying confesses to me before then, unfortunately I'm going to have to reject until I know more. I'm... such a boring robot of a person. But I just can't resist the need to bind logic to everything in my life, even love, whom people say you should just feel, not think about. I don't know about that...

1st May - Conversation

Today's Darren's birthday! Truth is, I wanted to spend the day rotting at home, but I thought, you know, on Tommy's birthday we really celebrated the shit out of it. Darren was the one that introduced me to Tommy, I should really do something for him too. I couldn't really think of anything, and anything I could buy, he sure could afford a lot easier than I can. With no plan, I decided to go out with Feebee first, since Vincent didn't want to wake up after watching the Champion's League late last night. Maybe I've just gotten used to being around girls shorter than me now, but Feebee seems a lot taller. I started off by talking about school and stuff. About how I came across Joey's tweets about a cute guy winking at her and she exploded internally and she wanted to strike up a conversation but she was too shy. And that guy was me. The day was Wednesday too. I was feeling cheeky that day. We made eye contact and I winked, just like how Vincent told me he did when he made eye contact with random girls he had never seen before. HAHAHAHA This is the first time I've made a lady react like that towards me. I'm really, really amazed XDD Had there actually been more girls in my class, I would really be in a serious dilemma on who to talk to. NOT THAT MY ENTIRE SCHOOL LIFE IS ABOUT GIRLS. IT'S JUST WHENEVER THE OPPORTUNITY ARISES EVERY NOW AND THEN. Back to Feebee, I realized I ran out of conversation topics really fast. I like talking to people one on one, but I suck at keeping conversations flowing. When Vincent came, it got a lot better because he could say something and I could continue it. And even when we were both quiet it was a lot less awkward. But still, I wish I could be like, really social with anyone, not just Vincent. Even if it's just the two of us I can make the other laugh and never run out of interesting things to talk about. I did talk with Syai about the different types of people I've observed before, like those that are good at starting conversations, those that are good at continuing, those who just agree, those who strike at witty moments, those that are critical and rather'd be alone, and even though I think I do a fine job with my people watching hobby, I still can't help some of my friends who seem to have problems. They do post that they're hurting, and I want to help, but I have no idea how to get them to talk to me. I talk. They tell me they're not in the mood. D'oh, I fucked up. OTL Is there a right answer out there?

29th April - Achromatic

I tried tying up my hair today. It was so cool. I could fit the tail through the gap at the back of my hat. So cool. Sooo. Coool.

For some reason, words aren't forming very well in my head right now. I would describe my day how I hanged out with my friends, but it feels so redundant after I've been doing that same shit the past few days. My relationship with my Poly friends is actually getting better though. I haven't been hanging out with Jun Cheng and Melvin much though, I wonder if they feel left out.

There's a guy named Bryan in my class. Tries to be good. Really sucks at it. Judgemental and rude, but has good intentions... I think. I mean, he's trying to make friends, but he sucks at just being a person. And when it comes to talking to girls, he has to mention something sexual, always. He was trying to edge past Gillian to get to the front today, and he said something along the line of 'Please move out of the way or my penis can't fit through.' WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT TO A GIRL?! THAT'S SO UNGENTLEMANLY!! Speaking of ladies, I'm actually surprised that I can make friends with girls without even considering romance now. I mean Gillian, okay, I'm still getting used to talking to her, because I'm not used to girls with not a lot of things in common approaching me first. But Joey, Syai and Liana, I'm so amazed I can be just friends with them. I can joke with them, and I'm not throwing out dirty jokes by the load like I used to do. I've done it! I've gotten over my gynephobia!

I actually look forward to talking with friends with each day. Although I know that these days eventually will pass, and soon we'll really divide into our own cliques like how ITE went, but I want to try and keep everyone together as much as possible. I'll mediate arguments. I'll defend outcasts. I'll do whatever it takes to keep these people together. I don't know how, but I'll deal with every problem right in front of me, right now!

28th April - Amateurs

Only achievement today: I made my art tumblr, finally. Hopefully now it'll increase the traffic to my DeviantArt. Ughh, but today passed by uneventfully. The tumblr set up took a lot longer than I thought it would, and I wanted to finish a piece of art today but I ended up getting distracted by Don't Mess With the Zohan.

Ah, man, the Zohan is great. Apart from it being a brilliant comedy, I like how Zohan, a super strong, god in a man's body, elite counter-terrorist is shown to have dreams absolutely contrary to what he is good at. He liked styling hair, but everyone laughed and called him gay when he told them about it. He threw away his life, faked his death, just to chase his dream, and behind the crazy comedy of this show, I found this really, really inspiring. Why did my mom throw away this movie again?

Recently my class has been really pissed at our Design Fundamentals vice Teacher for spamming the group with music videos and links. So I devised a plan to fight back by having a bunch of us post Rick Rolls in rapid succession hashtagging the lyrics. But what could I have expected from 16 year olds =3= It didn't go as planned, which was such a pity. It was a brilliant plan, I'm quite proud I thought of it. But now I can't use it anymore, because you only can use a prank once. Syai was too enthusiastic and posted too early. Sundram decided to delve off and posted another video instead. The rest were too afraid to join the attack ._. A half-assed attack only leads to a backfire, and now we have more spam than ever. Fantastic.

I'm going to start putting daily exercises back into my daily routine again. I've realized I've pretty much lost all my muscle. I don't need to be buff, I just want to not look like a stick. More and more of my classmates have started going on depression rants about their parents and suicide and stuff. And as much as it ticks me off, I'm trying to be nice, I'm trying to help, but you know, I don't have any cures for immaturity. Was I like this 2 years ago? Hope they grow up soon.

27th April - Blocks

I watched Iron Man 3 with my brother and mom today. Overall, I thought it was a good movie. It was a really good change in pace from the other two. Iron Man 3 portrayed Tony Stark as vulnerable, a human being, over a genius mechanic superhero. Showing that even one of the world's greatest minds would be shaken after being pit against aliens from another dimension, fighting alongside and against demigods and other manners of amazing creatures. But still, some of the points in the movie didn't make sense. Like when the Mark 42 suit was broken, why didn't he just grab another of his suits to fight? He had Mark 5 to 41, all properly combat tested, and he chose to be so attached to that Mark 42. And when he could use Jarvis to remotely control them to his location, he could've done that when he was halfway around the world :\ So, so strange. The scriptwriters didn't think this through.

I accidentally dozed off in my bed after we reached home. Ugh, what a waste of a day. I spent the rest of the evening chatting with my classmates. You know, I've actually been in a pretty good mood over the past two weeks, compared to my days over the holidays. I think that what I lacked most was socializing. I thought that one or two outings with my friends back then would suffice, but even after those I was still gloomy and self-depreciating. This past few days, I've talked to new people. I've made new friends. I've made people laugh. I've laughed. I'm back. This is the old cheerful Calvin, optimistic and happy! It's such a visible change, like how I talk on Whatsapp with everyone else, I'm not as paranoid of how they view me. It's so refreshing, hahaha! I'm looking forward to school to see everyone again, although I really could do with less schoolwork. Polytechnic is tough. If only they gave us the freedom like they did in ITE.

I really should get started on my homework soon. Compared to everyone else, I think I'm doing a pretty decent job. The previous assignment may have really pulled me down, because I really suck at drawing patterns unless they're properly used in an image. I hope this one pulls up my grade.

26th April - Ditch

I forgot to post the past few days, so it's time to catch up.

I passed up my Design homework. I finished it in time, but... it was shabby and messy. I really should've taken time out to neaten it, but I kept getting called back to erase away pencil marks, causing the paper to crumple in the process. Shit... I don't think I'll be getting an A, and it worries me so much. I might even get a C for crumpling the paper that badly, and there goes my scholarship. Aaaaaaaah, it's so worrying!! I went for the Voicecard Auditions afterward. Vincent came because he wanted an opinion on his FYP project. All the way to NYP, and he wanted to stay over? I thought something was amiss, but maybe it really was me being paranoid. I mean, I'm... pretty sure if there was something up with Vince, he'd say so. After clarifying stuff with him we waited for the audition to start, but it took too long and I was starting to lose my nerve after hearing the competition, so we left for home.

Come today, where I didn't turn on my alarm clock, causing me to have my first late day already. God dammit. I am so lucky. After class, I hanged out with a bunch of classmates. I'm quite surprised I've managed to socialize already. I suppose helping to mediate a lot of the class dramas helped foster my image, despite not having gone for orientation. Some people, from your first impression you think they're cool, but once you get to know them they... ehhh. And there's vice versa. There's Joey, at first I thought she was just another scene girl or something, but talking to her, I've found out she likes Homestuck, like Vocaloid, it was quite surprising. She's a peaceful person, like me, although I'm the only stupid one willing to jump into the fray and mediate. It's actually really easy to befriend her. Then there's Nas, I thought he was cool at first, but today showed he had real security issues. I mean, he was standing of our circle. And when we notice and try to pull him in, he whines and says that we neglected and ignored him. I don't even- I mean, come on. The world doesn't revolve around you. If you don't make the effort to be a friend, you can't expect the same behavior in return, cos' it's a two-way thing.

23rd April - Notice

Oh, god I hate waking up early in the morning. I was punctual for once though, but despite having enough sleep I still drifted off to sleep several time throughout the day.

There were Emcee Club auditions, and I really fucked up. I paired up with Wei Qiang, and we divided our script amongst the both of us to read. We thought we did fine, intonation and everything, and then they mentioned that we weren't emceeing, we were reading off the script. At that point I thought "OH SHIT", because the whole time my focus was on the script in front of me. I didn't look up once, even though I kept notice of them in my peripheral vision. Still, a big fuck up. But no loss. I have 9 other clubs to back me up.

I visited ITE again today and just wasted time alone in Victor's class. Gillian asked why I didn't hang out with my friends and I realized that most of the time I wander off alone because of stuff to do, and I don't tell anyone where I go LOL But me hanging out alone isn't because I like being alone (although I like being alone sometimes, yes), but because I want to befriend everyone, but I can't decide who to hang out with, that I end up going alone. It's like how I can't decide completing games on the Xbox or drawing my manga I end up playing S4 League, my default activity.

I went for Voice Emsemble auditions today too. I mixed it up with Sound Card, I thought I had to prepare a song and sing 'You Raise Me Up', of which I really can't do, but I thought I'd wing it for kicks anyway, but it was a orientation, and it was a Glee choir thingy. I thought they'd be singing edgier songs but it's all really lukewarm, meh, everyone's happy kind of songs. Choir shit, not my thing. At least I got some free food out of it. At the price of 3 hours though? Bad exchange.

Finishing my fucking design homework, dots and lines and waves and zigzags, I hate this shit.

22nd April - Defender

Oh, god I was so sleepy today. I never thought I'd fall asleep in Ms Clyda's class, being the hyper, crazy ass teacher she is, but I did. Ooooooh I should really get sleep.

We presented our 10 game ideas in the morning, it went well. I mean, of course, seeing how I'm here, in this group. I actually wonder what it'd be like if I weren't there, shooting down the ideas that don't make sense and clarifying how ideas should be presented, and especially translating Mr. Philip's Frenchy English. I may be blowing myself up here with my self-imposed importance here though LOL

Got our art materials too. It was real pricey, but to be able to handle so many grey copic markers, ooooh I can't wait to use them. The paints I could do without though, I'm no painter XD

Throughout the day pretty much everyone was teasing me and Gillian. Gillian had to post up that we went out on Facebook and everybody took it the wrong way. Ayyeee, for once I'm actually in the position of the guy who's close to one of the prettier girls in class and everyone starts coming up with rumors. So this is what it's like. I'm usually the one teasing :P Oh well, I'm still playing the same role I've really fantastic at for the past few years, defending the pretty girl from creepy guy admirers. Guys like these make me think twice about ever hitting on a girl, because geez, from the side of the lady, these guys are real creepy. I've no idea whether I would be the same way were I to try, so I'd just rather not. Besides, I'm actually getting used to this. I just enjoy the female company, so I don't have to trifle myself with the traditions of relationships.

Auditions, I went for the Ballroom Dance audition today. It was filled with bitchy business course girls. Turned me right off. I really messed up the Salsa routine though, I just looked good compared to the other bumbling guys :\ Tomorrow's the Voice Ensemble Audition, and I can't sing for shit. Time to screech!

21st April - Postcard

I went out with Gillian today. We went shopping for materials to decorate our postcard with. Okay, fine, I guess you could call it a date. There really wasn't much meaning to it though, since we've only barely known each other. I did feel really awkward next to her though. She's dressed all nice and make up and stuff and I'm in a t-shirt and cargo pants, carrying a rucksack. Good job Calvin.

So throughout the day I displayed my total inexperience with ladies. Lunch at Carl's Jr, eating the greasiest burger they sell. It's not even on the menu. And after procuring our stuff, we went to check out the movies but my indecision and lack of willingness to pay for weekend price movies led us to another activity that I suggested. Which is... guessssss...? CYBER CAFE. So fucking romantic. I'm a genius. Thank you very much. No really fuck me I'm an idiot. It was the first thing that came to mind. And I should know by now the first idea that comes to mind with me is never good. *sigh* Great job Calvin.

At least it's easy to make her laugh. But I think she thinks I'm a flirt. You know, I don't know how Vincent does it, the flirting thing. He can compliment a girl and she'll deny it but she'll giggle and stuff. And I try to compliment a girl and I get inquisitive stares. I'm not very good at this. I don't think I'll ever be good at it. But seeing how much you could possibly spend on one date leads me to my realization why ah bengs are always penniless and why geniuses like Nikola Tesla didn't want anything to do with ladies.

It's 4AM. I need to wake up tomorrow. At 7. That's 3 hours of sleep. I spent all the time fixing this fucking postcard because I kept having to re do it. Inks suck. Copic markers suck. I didn't get the image I intended to at first, but at least it looks... kind of good. Life needs an undo button.

20th April - Old Fashioned

Yunhan assigned me work today, so I left the house sleep deprived and followed directions on Google Maps. Her directions were cryptic. I was just told to go to 9 Winchester Road at 10am. So following Google Maps, I took the train to Kent Ridge, and from there supposedly I was supposed to take a bus. But it said one bus stop so I was like, eh, walk that shit. That was when my day turned to shit. I found myself treading a long windy path along the expressway. I thought something was amiss, but I shrugged it off and kept walking. And then the path turned inwards, so I followed. I ended up in Singapore's Defense Research Institute. Holy shit. I was probably trespassing. I could get sniped. I scurried to find an exit as soon as I could, and I did, right at the other end, which was a real relief. A bus stop and pavement, civilization, hooray! I continued walking east, as per my Google Maps instructions, and I hit a dead end. That can't be right. I returned to the fork and continued. I ended up at a condominium. Also wrong. WTF. Revised directions told me to make a long loop to take a bus on the opposite side of the road. Half along this long loop I saw an overhead bridge back where I walked from. Fuck. Walked back, took it. Took the bus. Thought everything was all swell and dandy now. Missed my stop. Fuck. Walked back. Found where I was supposed to walk in. Walked in. Uphill. Downhill. Loops. Dead end. Fork. Dead End. More loops. I finally reached the place after 1 and a half hours and a good 6km+ walk, I reckon. And then they told me that there was a shuttle bus to the area. FUCK. If she had told me the name of the place at least- UGGGHH. At least my bouncy castle job went without a hitch. Sweltering heat though, and I was wearing black. God damn.

Left for drinks with Zi Sheng and Damien's clique. I tried out a few new cocktails today, my Old Fashioned wasn't bad, but Snowball is fucking delicious. If you're craving for the taste of alcohol then it's probably not for you, but it could very well be an everyday drink being tasty as it is.

I gotta get to bed. A date with Gillian tomorrow!!! -okay no we're just buying stationary so we can do our homework LOL

19th April - Faces

First time I was early for class! Bwaha! Today in class we had to do some traditional artsy stuff. By that, I mean use an easel and regular, boring wood pencils. Joining lines, memorizing details in 10 seconds, drawing without looking at the paper. Totally out of my element. I thought this course would be smooth sailing, I totally didn't expect something like this coming out. Outside of the realm I can see, and having to use blocks of graphite over my trusty mechanical, I guess I was at the same pace as the rest of the class, and it was surprisingly comforting XD Me and Melvin paired up, and we were supposed to draw dots on the page, so that we would join them randomly in lines later. I dotted out a penis on his, and when we switched back, I found he had dotted a penis on mine too HAHAHA

After class, I met up with my group to do the project work after school. Me and Jun Cheng being in the same team, I suppose we felt the need to overachieve. I drew sprites real quite, and bits of background to piece together. And Jun Cheng went to animate it (albeit quite stupidly, using frame by frame over motion tweening, but Liana seemed to enjoy controlling the Powerpoint this way, so I suppose it's fine). It's amazing how little pressure I felt. Whoo, ITE has done wonders for me. Had I jumped into this course straight from Secondary School, I may have a felt slightly more than a little overwhelmed, I reckon. But it's only going to get harder from here.

Me and Gillian have been chatting a lot lately. Nice gal, I managed to convince her to play S4 League over GunZ. WAHAHA YESSS. Throwing a lot of passive-aggressive arguments back and forth. Why she added me on Facebook and chats with me over other guys in her class leaves me quite suspect, it might be because she wants advice on how to approach her eye candy. Is this because I look like a girl now, with my long hair? Liana's also really chill with me too. Both her and Syai mention how pretty I am, and they're comfortable with talking girl talk in my presence. I'm not sure whether to be disturbed I'm now pretty much considered a female or just to be happy I'm finally able to speak with girls on a decent level.

18th April - Charm

Today was rather hellish. A class from 11am to 6pm with supposedly no breaks in the middle of every class. God damn! It's not the course activities itself that are hard though, it's the fact that I know how to do everything already so it's the boredom that almost killed me. Social-wise, seems I've gotten a little progress today.

First was Design Principles. A Designer module that somehow managed to connect itself to Game Design with an explanation that made sense, compared to ITE's shitty Design Class where we built handicapped machines. We had to get Fineliners of four different widths to get the job done. I could do the whole thing armed with my 0.2, but noooo, I had to go get them. Being one of the first, I managed to buy the set of four from the bookstore before the sold out amongst the rest of my classmates. But the price of each of them was $2.10, 70 cents more expensive than the cheap brand I'm used to. So I sold them to Daniel, the really social guy in Group 4 for $10. Do the math. I made $1.60 profit, HOORAY! I went through class not doing the assignment in the end, although luckily it's due next week.

Storyboarding was a much more troubling class. With a Caucasian lady with high standards as the teacher, I felt really pressured. I could keep up with the storyboarding though, save for my lack of proportion of the camera to character as well as my refusal to use a regular pencil over my trusty sidekick mechanical. But looking at the others' works, I think I coped a lot better. I suppose I am the one with the most experience doing these stupid scribbly shits, anyway. I'm slightly afraid they might think I'm showing off, or find me intimidating.

I seem to have broken the ice with the girls in Group 4 though. Which is cool, because they're very cute ladies. Hooray for me, I get to feel masculine for a day before all the gay and faggot jokes come in. Syai has already begun them >_>

17th April - Crawl

I need to stop forgetting to blog before going to sleep. I keep having to get back up again to turn on the computer and do it. THIS IS A RITUAL I HAVE TO DO EVERY DAY.

Today was the Club Crawl, where we pick out the clubs we want to join. Like ITE, there's not a lot of commitment needed. I ended up joining 10. They all looked somewhat interesting or looked like I'd do well in them, so I just wrote my name down. First off, of course I have to join the Sakuran Japanese Club. I'm no weeaboo, I hate them, as a matter of fact, but this is the language I am versed in, anime and manga. There are some like me. Also, I wanted to find fellow manga artists. I joined the Ballroom Dance club and Foreign Bodies Street Dance club too. Ballroom Dance mentioned they do Latin Dance, and since I did it throughout the whole of ITE, might as well throw it another shot. My shoes are ripping and dying, but if I find enough reason to stay maybe I'll repair them. Street Dance seems really intensive, and seems like it's filled with lots of probably hiphop-oriented Malays too. Ah, I wonder if I'll feel out of place. The Drama Club, because 4 years of secondary school moving the spotlight, after my great maturing throughout ITE, I want to try taking the stage again. Debates Club, because I wanted to see if my argument skills were on the competition level. I'd probably still lose out to people like Vincent, but eh, try it out. I joined the two Voice Ensemble clubs too. One for group and one for solo. I'm not confident in my voice, but I just joined on a whim. I keep singing in my room anyway. And probably the highest chance for a chance encounter with Felicia, maybe I'll forgive her then if I see her face. The Emcee Club seems really intensive too, with auditions and stuff. But it was recommended to me by the Japanese Club guys after hearing my pseudo-accent, so... okaaay? The Writing Club, because after so many days of writing for this blog, I've been growing slightly more confident in my writing skills. Thought I should pit them to the test too. Aikido... I don't think I'll go for this one. It costs money. Yeap. I highly doubt I'll be able to juggle all these clubs, so I'm probably going to drop 75% of them. Let's see how the people inside are. On to endure the next day of school. *sigh*

16th April - Whining

Today wasn't as interesting as yesterday. I came to school slightly late. There was class for one hour and then every other class for the day didn't start until next week. So I spend 4 hours fucking around with Jun Cheng and his clique because their class started at 5. Eh.

We met up at the library first to discuss our assignment of coming up with 10 game ideas. Actually, there's a lot of confusion about that one. We don't really know if it's '10 game ideas' or '10 suggestions for a game our seniors have done'. Either way, since the others seemed really adamant, and it may have been just me and Jun Cheng not listening (although there were some other instances where we both heard to do something for an assignment and everyone else heard something else. Is this a thing for graduates or something?), we came up with 10 suggestions. Although, I'd readily do up 10 ideas if I have to. I came up with 3, and I'll probably do 7 more in my free time in the off chance what we heard was correct after all.

We travelled to ITE to eat. Then following my ritual every time I enter ITE, I bombed the juniors class. They actually seem pretty used to it by now. Meki interrogated me about what Poly was like and I had to disappoint her by telling her that we've pretty much learnt everything in ITE already, bahahaha XD But bombing just the 2nd Year juniors was boring. So I went to bomb the totally new freshmen class. They seemed completely puzzled to have a boy wearing a Mario hat burst into their classroom, but ehhh yolo they're gonna have to get used to it.

So far, I haven't found any friends that are likeable here in this course. There are the hateables. And the... not-so-hateables. But likeables, not so much. I would meet with Felicia, but... grrrrrmphh. There's a blood donation drive. Hmm. I should go. I would invite Shirleen, but it's not like she'd be willing to travel all the way just to have blood sucked out of her. I'll have to find another donation partner now. What terrible coincidences for every donation drive.

15th April - Break

Today was my first day of Poly. The starting was pretty shit though. I woke up on time, but I thought maybe I should put on contacts today. That resulted in me being late D:

And within an hour of the first class my eye was itching so bad that I had to take them out. My eyes are now both very red.

My teachers are alright though. One's a french guy, seems really strict, I'm a bit afraid, but he speaks about Game Design, and he knows what he's talking about. I think so long as I keep to my work religiously, I'll be safe. The Storyboarding teacher seems like a bitch though. Maybe it's because she's a Chinese lady with that wannabe-American voice that really gets on my nerves. She's probably a bitchy mom. My Color Theory teacher's real cool though. A lady who knows how to pull jokes in the middle of class. Very informal class. I like it. I like informal. I felt really comfortable there.

It was a bit hard to engage anyone in conversation at first, partly because I didn't know where to start. So I hanged out with Jun Cheng most of the day, got to know his friends, then the moments where I broke off, I bumped into other classmates, and hit it off with them too. It's really easy to break the ice when you have a bright green Luigi hat on your head. So far, they're actually quite cool. I haven't even shown them my drawings yet. That makes them even more cool. Still, this is just the first day. Even right now, they're already bitching about one of our classmates. I mean, he's annoying, but still, it's pretty fast, and still pretty mean. Listen to me, trying to be nice when I was laughing along with them too. I'm such a hypocrite.

Felicia has been trying to apologize to me, but I can't bring it in myself to reply to her proper. I don't want to be angry with her either, but like hell I'm going to forgive her that easily too. I did get pretty ticked off that day.

14th April - Anticipation

Tomorrow will be the start of Poly life for me. Something I seem to have been waiting for for so long, and yet now that it's here I'm pretty much indifferent to it. How strange. I'm a bit worried about forgetting things and being late though. I don't even know where the class is. Okay, uh, I have my sketchbook and folders... if I don't know what to bring I think these are pretty safe... And... time table... and... Aaaaaaaagh I don't know!! The paranoia's seeping in, I have no idea what I should bring now. I'll have to wake up early tomorrow to don icebreaker gear. That is, my gamer clothes. Like the Luigi hat and shit. And... And...

Fuck this. This is too much worrying. Bah, if I forget anything I can just take a bus back home and get it.

Still, I wonder what the prowess is of the people in class. Will I meet competition? Will I be the solo ranker again? Mmmgh, I can't tell anything if I haven't met anyone. It's so troublesome, being unable to predict what will happen next. I need some info to work with. This is me going in almost entirely blind, I am really worried.

I finished an art piece today. Not as proud of it as I should be, because what I intended to do in my mind was a lot more nicer. So... I'm disappointed with myself. But I don't know the technique, I'm hoping to learn that in school. New beginnings, huh... I'm not very keen on leaving my old friends yet, yet I feel like eventually we'll drift apart. Uwah, it's such a sad feeling. But they had like two outings in the past few days and nobody invited me. D'awwwwwwwwwwww am I an outcast?

I'm trying to milk out as much writing as I can today but I can't think of anything. I just stayed in the whole day drawing with Jodie bothering me from behind because for some reason she finds it fulfilling to stare at me from behind and the side. It's... quite creepy. Still, because of that I had to act like I totally didn't notice, and was forced to continue drawing, and that's how I completed my art by today. So it's not all bad... I guess... Eh.

13th April - Revival

Once again, another uneventful day at home, playing Valkyria Chronicles the whole day. I did a bit of reflection on myself again, but with less self-loathing this time around, for some reason.

It's true that there are some parts of myself I really despise now, and I have been feeling lonely, but all this reflection upon myself has led me to neglect my friends. Whether they're real or not, it's no big consequence. My traits are a part of me, and I've to learn to accept them like everyone else does. Recently when I've gone out with my friends, after looking back on it, I've been acting strangely. I'm more quiet. I stay at the sides a lot more than I... recall. I don't exactly remember how I socialized back then, but memories I have of times just a year or two back, I was a lot happier. Right now all I do is worry about how I look like to other people, what they think of me, whether they hate me, despise me, and frankly, it hasn't been very good for my mental health.

So I think I'm going to try to be the cheerful idiot that everyone knows once again. It's going to be a bit challenging, since my mind has been working like a computer for so long, and I have no idea how to hardwire it back to being human. But I want to try. I want to try and be a person that people can enjoy being in my company, just like Shirleen and Tommy. Uwaaah, it seems like such a tall wall to climb though. I don't even know where to begin. I'm going to have to resolve myself to do it though. I can't be this depressing piece of shit forever. If I can make people smile and laugh, surely I might begin to do the same, right? It sure seemed that way back then.

So invite me out once again, friends. Give me a chance to become the Calvin that you first befriended. Although I still very much like to have deep, personal talks though, so please engage me in those whenever XD
Actually, I'm starting to suspect that my change was brought out through my work-intensive Final Year Project. Hmmm... :\ Could it be?

12th April - Façade

And the days continue to count down. Oh, I thought it was Saturday already. Well, technically since it's past midnight. Jun Cheng told me a bit about my class. Added me into the group too. I got to see some of my classmates' photos through my undercover stalking skills, but awww, no lookers. At least they don't seem unfriendly... I think. But still, I can't help but wonder how they'll see me. I'm the newest transfer student or some shit. It's like when Samuel and Yan Nian were thrown into our class.

I could just play it safe and just show off. That'll get me friends for sure. I used to think that this way was the best way to get friends. All the way up til' now. Recently amongst this moping and self-reflection and self-hate and overall depression, I've realized that all along, this super multitalent Calvin image I've been keeping up has been nothing more than just an elaborate act I've put on so I wouldn't be lonely. People naturally want to hang out with cool people. Like people with talents. And following that logic is why for so long I've been juggling so many skills. Drawing, I've held on to all this time. Learning to play the bass, because anyone who can play an instrument has to be cool. Martial Arts. Cooking. Dance. All this, I thought I was impressing people all this time, and everyone wanted to be my friend. But it's only now that I realize that they're not friends with me. They're friends with 'somebody with talents'. Some of the people I've met, and whom I've thought as 'friends', I've realized that they keep me around just so they can ask favors of what I can do. Were something to happen, were I to lose all my talents, so many people wouldn't stick around. After all, a talentless Calvin is equivalent to nothing. I'm jealous of the people who can make friends just by being themselves alone. People like Wesley, Shirleen, and Tommy, who own the trait to make friends just by being as they are, whereas there's me, in order to earn friendship, I have to be cool by gathering more and more skills, because otherwise I can't imagine anyone who'd want to stay my friend, other than Vincent.
It's so hard to trust people because I don't even know if they're real friends or not. It's not that because I hate my talents now that I'd give up on my dream though. I still want to be a Game Designer on the world level. It's just... I'm so conflicted. I'm so lost. Having to keep up this false appearance of a cool guy just so I won't be alone, and yet I'm so greedy as to crave real friends. Who would accept the real me?

11th April - Designation

My new teacher called today, sent me some stuff I needed. So... yeah, I got my new class timetable, new class list... and the names of my new classmates. I also had to select my General Studies, so among Community Problems, Cultural Study and Social Etiquette, I picked the latter.

Oh god, this is so intimidating. I mean, c'mon, look at this shit. It's... it's... LOOK AT ALL THESE STRANGERS. Well, Jun Cheng's in my class, although in actuality, I would have preferred to be in a different class. Not that I hate him or anything, but I didn't want to have my options closed because I subconsciously ended up hanging out with only the people I know instead of going into the fray and finding out the qualities of these people. There are only four classes and... as expected, the number of girls is overshadowed by the sheer number of guys, much to my dismay. Yeah, actually the biggest disappointment I'm having is the lack of ladies in my class, ahahahaha. Okay, I can kind of make out the girls with the english names... but these Malay and Chinese names, I have no idea if they are girls or guys...

I got thrown a list of school rules too and... LONG HAIR ISN'T ALLOWED? WHAT THE FUCK, MAN, that's not what I was promised! Aaaaaaagh, I'm pretty worried now...!

*sigh* And so the countdown to school begins, huh. I'm part looking forward to making new friends, at the same time I'm afraid of meeting bitchy people. At the same time, I'm also afraid of being judged for who I am, or because Jun Cheng who would probably hang out around me, they might think that I'm part ah beng or asshole or whatever. Aaaaaaah. All these self-conscious stuff! Socializing with people sucks, man. To have to try hard to be a me that isn't me. What a terribly shitty feeling. I want to open up to people. I like to talk about personal problems and opinions, not having to 'lolololol kyaa kyaa ahahahahaha you so funny' all the time. Having fun is nice, but I seek a more deeper understanding of a person than what makes them laugh. Talk to me, someone...

10th April - Dragging

Today was the Latin Dance performance. Today was hell because I stayed up until 5AM to design the Latin Dance flyers as well as photoshop my ID photo for NYP. And I had to wake up at 7PM. Still, I survived the Latin Dance performance with my mind intact and routine alright... kind of. During the performance, Kenji started off a beat early, bringing his partner with him, and Yiru, panicking at watching them go faster than us, began to rush. Normally I can drag her back to normal timing but her eyes this time weren't on me, but on Kenji, leaving me looking like the only one lagging behind even though I'm pretty confident my counts were correct. I suppose maybe I should've reassured Yiru beforehand. It's her first performance after all. *sigh* Quite a pity I was too sleepy to predict this possibly might happen.

Went back home and got to experimental cooking on mini pancakes for the picnic later. I felt like my mind was working on 10% power. Rushed down to Marina Barrage to meet up with the clique. I couldn't think of a lot to say, although usually I don't say a lot to begin with anyway. I still, even up til' now, feel... really out of place. It's a bit easier to talk to Yi Lin now though. On the way to the souvenir shop downstairs to look for shit, I chatted with her, and she has worries about Poly life too. Personal problems. A feelings talk. Rather than just light banter and jokes. I really enjoy conversations like this. So I do feel a little bit less awkward now, knowing I'm not the only one who has worries. After celebrating Yi Lin's early birthday, we moved our picnic stuff into the shade because it started raining, and got some glow sticks. I paid for the second batch, because I thought I should contribute a little more, and keeping friends requires sacrifices, after all. I can't keep being hyper-miserly when everyone else is okay with sharing. But the glowstick I got didn't glow. Everyone thought I was upset because I didn't get a nice glowstick, but it really was because I thought this glowstick really fit me. It reminded me on how blessed I am with bad luck, which is why I work hard to compensate for it. It glowed faintly, but it was mostly transparent, like how I try hard to be noticed, that's why I try to be flashy and interesting, but at the same time sometimes I choose to go unnoticed. Hmm...

7th April - Psychology

I actually don't have anything to report today. I spent the day printing out shit for my scholarship interview tomorrow, and fixing the damn printer's ink refill which left my hands dyed blue and yellow. I just thought it'd be a time to shed some light on a certain subject that goes on my mind. A theory, if you will. Okay, fine, I just feel the need to vomit it out so I stop going it over in my head.

From observing people for quite awhile, I've come to notice that when you're not part of the flock of sheep, you tend to show certain special behaviors. I believe it is probably because once you cross a certain intellectual capability threshold, you gain what I would like to term a PSYCHO SKILL. It's basically kind of your brain somehow re-hard wiring itself to think in a certain pattern, allowing you to understand things better in your own concept, or breaking down processes, or rearranging explanations etc. It really differs from person to person, but if you observe for a while, you actually can single out those that do, and those that... well, just rely on the group's collective thought process to decide rather than utilize their brains.

For one, mine would probably be SCAN. Seeing how my brain works is that once I see something, anything, whether it be a person or a game or an object, some measurements appear in my head. For people, it would be stuff like moods, personalities, habitual behaviors, likes, dislikes, aversions to, attractions to, and then it works itself further to steps on how to coerce them to do or not do something, or how to throw a conversation with them to a certain topic, or how to elicit a certain emotion from them. With skills, it breaks down in my head to simple concepts such that it's easier to learn, like guitar, or dancing. It's really complex, I've no good idea how to explain it myself.

An explaining ability would be like Vincent's, I suspect: TRANSLATION. For some reason, he's able to take any strange topic, and once he's got the understanding of it, he's able to explain it in a way that the person would understand. He would explain to me in game terms, maybe soccer terms to a soccer fan, cooking terms to a chef. And it's immediate, it's amazing. It's like his brain has the ability to just break down a topic and transform it into understandable terms for anyone. Others I've noticed would augment charisma, or humor. Some have the ability to twist and win arguments. And being able to do it flawlessly and immediately, as if it were second nature, that is what I believe PSYCHO SKILLs are.

Or there might really be another way of explaining this,but this is how it's like in my head, everything lined up in videogame terms :/

6th April - Accidents

I was so pissed off today. God damn. I left the house today to go check out the Japanese Club's fair thingy at AMK (at the same time bringing my completed Star Ocean 4 out to see if I could sell it for enough money for a new game. Nope.) Surprisingly, they didn't make a fucked up otaku shitfest of it. The dances were decent this time around. Probably because of the two new dancing juniors I've never seen before. And the manga class this time was booming. I wasn't that good a teacher anyway, back when I was there. The teachers were there too. Wow, Mr. Victor's engaged. He introduced me to his fiance, saying if you mentioned me to any of the teachers, they'd go "AAAAARGH CALVIN", no matter what, whether good or bad. Hahahaha, it's quite nice to know I left an impression somewhere. Rather this than being forgotten.

And so I headed home. I got home. I closed the gate to my house. And then. My phone. Slid out. Of its. Casing. Onto. The floor. And the LCD screen. Fucked up. Like seriously? I just got home, and this happens? I WAS SO FUCKING PISSED. I had to leave the house again, take the bus to go back to where I just was 10 minutes ago, and find a phone shop to get the screen fixed. It did not help that it took 40 minutes AND cost me $80. My god, I was just counting my angpao money from Chinese New Year this afternoon, and that $80 was pretty much all of it. FUCK MAN. FUCKING HELL. Clearly I am not blessed with very much luck at all.

But I have to be optimistic. Deep breaths Calvin, oxygen calms the mind. On the bright side... at least with that screen repair, it somehow fixed my phone's ability to detect Wi-Fi. So... that's a good thing. Also, I bought Valkyria Chronicles. Despite not selling my games in the end, but it was a secondhand $15 game, and it had really good reviews, so I got it, and boy, it is fun. I probably dropped the PSP one because I used cheats. Trucking through every mission, and fucking up several times before finally winning... SO SATISFYING.

4th April - Forms

Got my enrollment package at NYP today with Zi Sheng. This marks the start of a new beginning, once again. At a new school... with new friends... I'll miss my friends Q_Q

I haven't met Zi Sheng in quite a while. His hair's bleached blonde. Now people can definitely tell us apart, hahaha! There's a lot of procedures to this school thing. Forms to sign and shit. And school fees. And medical checkups. God damn. My brain's rotting at the sight of this pile. And I'm not even sure if I'm eligible for the scholarship. I'm actually pretty damn worried. The school fees look really expensive. And... it looks like I have to go for a medical checkup tomorrow too. Seems like there's going to be blood tests and the works. SO TROUBLESOME. Does not help that I no longer have student concession on my card.

At Latin Dance today Yiru asked if I had ever liked anyone before. It's kind of a good question. I mean, now that I can somewhat tell the difference, I've never actually liked anyone seriously before. It's been mostly attractions and temporary infatuations, but that's the limit. Everyone describes the feeling as 'your heart beating fast when you're near the person' or 'you're just super happy whenever you're with them' or 'love is love, you just know', but I don't understand any of it. I haven't felt any of those feelings before. I'm actually half-convinced that I'm incapable of love. I mean, love is a scary thing. I do feel lonely at times, I want a companion, someone I can hold and cherish, but... to find one is the hardest thing. Some girls just jump at the idea of getting together with someone, they don't really put a lot of thought into it, they just fear being lonely. And if I'm going to get into a relationship of any kind, I'm sure as hell going to try to stay in it as long as possible. Putting aside the chance of rejection, if I end up getting a girlfriend who eventually gets angry about how little time I spend with her because of the time I spend on pursuing my dreams more than flirting around and buying her presents... it's not going to end well for both of us. A lady that respects me for what I want to do, in a society like this really seems like a pipe dream.

Well, I can name one that might... and I do have feelings for her, but whether or not these feelings are really love... I'm not entirely sure yet.

3rd April - Afresh

Today I decided to start with my renewed mindset after Vincent's very enlightening lecture. And it turned out pretty well. If you don't count the fact I turned off my alarm and then fell asleep with it still in my hand. It wasn't all bad though. Because of me waking up late, I ate lunch late, and thus I was around to help Zuhayr out of a predicament. Hooray! Zuh was at NYP but he realized he needed another copy of his portfolio to submit his appeal. He was about to go home, dejected that he had to make another trip tomorrow when I told him he can photocopy and burn his shit at my place, which was 5 bus stops away. Some burning and copying later, Zuh managed to submit his appeal successfully (I think) and all is good. Is this karma? Some divine sign or array of coincidences lined up for me so that I can help my friends who're struggling through the appeal process? Hooooooohohohoo I felt so needed today.

On to Latin Dance practice. I couldn't attend badminton because I had to make it for this. Yiru brought a new male member to the club :D Me, Kenji and David clicked him him real quick because... typical guy subjects like martial arts and drinking got us talking real quick. Although... really, no guy in their right mind would join Latin Dance on a whim unless... Yeaaaaa, Yiru said that this guy confessed to her once, so he probably joined Latin Dance just to get closer to her. And once again I'm used as a human shield by girls against the forces of creepy admirers. o____o

Been sexually harassing (with words. Only words.) Felicia as per usual, and for some reason she took it at face value today and threatened me with a restraining order. I don't even get a remotely satisfying rejection reaction like I usually do. I don't feel like talking with her anymore if she's going to get all pissy every time I poke fun while I have put up with her emotional outbursts and irrationality without complaint on a near daily basis.
Happy me's blog posts have much less meaning and contemplation than depressed or lonely me. Aww.

2nd April - Conscience

Although the day passed uneventfully, it ended amazingly. Thanks to today, I've come to a reconciliation with a lot of my conflicted feelings.

I played S4 League and Tera the whole day, really. I didn't do much of anything productive, other than inking a doodle that I had done before and uploading it just for kicks. But I was lacking in social, you know, being a hermit in my room and not talking to anyone and all. It was 3AM in the morning, not many were awake. But I spotted Shirleen online so I was like 'Yeah, I don't feel guilty anymore, I can chat like a regular person now, let's chat.' 3 lines later and I ran out of topics, because I realized all the topics I could think of were related to results, and it was depressing. Seemed like I was still blaming myself inside, no matter how much I tried to make logic win. By some fortune, best buddy Vincent was still awake and active, so I consulted him, and I am so glad I have him as my best friend.

He told me that it was stupid to blame myself. My intentions were good, I worked hard and got my results, and they got theirs. It was okay to empathize, but it was stupid to think that it was my fault at all. I did well because I wanted to get into the course I wanted, not to make people suffer. These obvious things. That I had been trying to tell myself for so long, but it wouldn't register through the clouds of guilt. Another slap in the face, like the one I had from Shirleen before, pointing out the obvious to me. Maybe this is what I needed. I can't always deal with things alone, no matter how much logic I can piece together. Sometimes, I need to hear advice from others, in a voice other than my own. That I need someone to tell me that it's alright. Perhaps it's a subconscious acceptance issue? The big 'how do I look like to other people' thing? Either way, the way he worded it, as well as knowing how I think and giving a really good example and explanation on how I was feeling then, maaaaan, Vincent, you're the awesomest best friend. I feel a lot better. I join the others in being unhappy over their results, but what I can do from here on out, is to lend my support to the best of my ability. It's time to stop hesitating.

1st April - Fool

It's April Fools. In the midst of everyone fretting over their admission results, I went to Photoshop up an acceptance letter of me getting into the Art Institute of Vancouver. More people believed it than I thought, much to my glee early in the day. It dwindled later on as I realized everyone else's circumstances, though.

I was one of the only ones who managed to get into the course of my choice. Everyone else was ready to appeal, everyone was disappointed, angry, upset, discouraged, a whole sea of emotions. And for me to be in the mood for joking seemed really... assholey of myself. I've apologized to Shirleen, and I thought I got over my guilt, and finally I could feel normal again. To joke and have fun just like everyone else, but when I'm in entirely different circumstances as everyone else, I feel the gap in between me and the rest of the clique again. I did want to talk to them, to joke, to start a conversation, but... I... don't know. I was hesitating very much. Might as well said I barely made an effort at all today. I couldn't bring myself to speak. Who knows what they thought of me underneath. Whether they thought I was haughty, I was a prick, how dare I flaunt my results in front of them while they didn't get the results they wanted. Maybe in their eyes, I'm an outcast, but they're just being nice in front of me. It could be just my paranoia too, but I've my fair share of reason to think that this miiight be a possibility. I mean, look at Zhi Xian. In the period I didn't hang out with this clique, he had completely become an outcast. Gossiping about him, saying they didn't like him, hoping that he didn't come for the outings. I could be very well be the next one, if I'm not already. I don't know what I'm supposed to think or how I'm supposed to act anymore.

I really, really fear that I'm blamed for pulling the bell curve up. True, it couldn't be helped that I was striving for what I wanted, I put in effort because 'the best' was what I desired... but it feels like I've used everyone else as stepping stones because of it. My presence and my results have caused so much grief in everyone else, it makes me sincerely wonder what it would be like if I wasn't in this class.