23/1/2022

 It’s been a long time. I’ve just been having thoughts where I don’t want to deliberately post to be viewed, but I still want them to be read. I can’t believe I came back here.

Life has picked up a lot more than ever before but I feel more lonely than ever. I… don’t have anyone to share this with. The successes. The depression. The fact that I feel the weight of the world is on my shoulders.

I’m afraid that anyone who knows this side of me will start judging me. Mock me. Or find me unbearable to be around. I’m afraid. I have not opened up to anyone in a long time. I’ve been battling this all on my own lying to myself for fake confidence this whole time but it’s eating away at me. I’m so depressed. I’m touching my dream yet I can’t help but think “I wanna give up.” over and over.

I try to distract myself by trying to help friends but I feel unwanted. I don’t know if I’m welcome. If I open up to them, it’s like i’m making it about me. I’d be of no help. Wesley and Shirleen, I’ve known them for the longest time yet I couldn’t even open my mouth to say that I’m breaking. Vincent’s overseas. Tommy would never listen to anything emotional. Phoebe’s too inexperienced. I don’t feel that it’s right to rely on Isabelle.

Do I even have friends? What is a friend? Shouldn’t it be someone that you don’t have to think as you enjoy the time with them? Why can’t I stop worrying? Am I traumatised from losing all my friends from Poly as they turned to gossips about me? I’m probably traumatised.

No one asks “How is Calvin?”. I’m dying inside.

29th November - Collapse

It really did happen, the clique seems more segmented than ever. I can't help but imagine it's my fault. There are a lot of things I keep looking back on and wondering that if I had never said those things, or acted in that way, would it have changed anything now? Maybe if I didn't get drunk and scared everyone off with unnecessarily dramatic problems. Maybe if I hadn't ranted out my inner worries to Isabelle. Maybe if I hadn't pushed for more daring drinking games, because they weren't the kind of games friends would play amongst ourselves. Maybe if I didn't tell Isabelle that I felt lonely and complained about why nobody ever hangs out anymore, maybe I wouldn't have appeared so dependant, and it probably scared everyone off.

That day, she did tell me not to depend on them, and that I should go find new friends. That day, it really did hurt. I was so upset. What was I? Was this all that our friendship mattered? I was so bitter. And for a week or two, I was mad, I haven't talked to her in 2 weeks other than instruction on homework. I gave her the cold shoulder, hoping that maybe she'd ask why, or apologize. Pathetic, childish behavior. As I look back, I realize that maybe... all this time I knew she was right, I just didn't want to admit it. I got so lofty and high on the ideals of eternal friendship, I raised it higher and grandiosed it much more than it really was. And I got so drunk on the idea that I was the key to holding it all together, some benevolent god or hero reaching out to my friends. So when she said that, it seemed like the reality I knew just crumbled. Which... I guess it's right. This isn't some dramatic story. This isn't some video game or arc or whatever. This was just an event in life, and we were just a gathering of friends. There was no foreshadowing of why we got together, there's no event we were destined to band together to prepare for. It was just... this.

I treasure them, very much, I do. But maybe I treasured their friendship in the wrong way, an unnecessarily indulgent one. It's no wonder everyone's uncomfortable now. Can I take it all back? How can I redeem myself? I'm tired of pretending that I'm angry, or trying to dictate the path of our party. This time, I really am lonely, because the thought of everyone leaving, especially because it's my fault... The regret's unbearable. I don't know how I SHOULD be acting. What do I do? I don't have anyone to ask anymore. I'm not dependant on attention, but I need to vent, I need to rant, I need someone to hear me without judging, and Bapp isn't enough, because I'm blowing up inside.

To the good stuff though, I got Pokemon Alpha Sapphire and it is sweet! Nice amount of challenge, it's great! Also our current game development assignment allows me to explore any game idea I want, I'm actually psyched by the ideas I've come up with. But are they possible to be made...?

6th November - Platonic

I've been like a nonstop bullet train of drawing lately, somehow I'm finding it fun, and it's amazing how much I'm getting done.

But I wonder if it's coming at the expense of social skills? Isabelle pointed out that everyone is drifting apart because of everyone settling into their tag teams, like mini cliques. I didn't even notice.

What did we do before when we were all inseparable? Has our friendship run its course? It's depressing to think about. Not that we still aren't close, but it's the fact we're not as close as we used to, and I can't figure out why.

And I'm starting to hope I'm not going through that 'mid-life crisis' rubbish because I've started to consider whether it's worth dating. Hmmmmmgh.

A little self-analysis, Calvin!
I'm comfortable with being really close friends, but I am affectionate. Maybe at times this may be misunderstood, and I hate misunderstandings, so I did consider maybe I should get serious about this. But I'm also unsure about commitment. So it's a matter of which one weighs heavier on me... maybe?

Urgh, maybe I should find someone to consult. But it sounds so creepy to talk about this kind of stuff. I might've already accidentally creeped out people. Grrrrgh, I don't know.

I think there are dark clouds looming on the horizon. I hope I can help.

30th October - Inconsistency

Things were going swell the past few days. Watched Rurouni Kenshin today too, it was fucking awesome. It made me regret cutting off my ponytail.

Don't know why as I was reaching home I suddenly felt like shit. Like my mood just totally fucking plummeted mad. There's a gripping cold feeling in my chest and I try to think of other things but my mind is just filled with dark clouds and it's so cold. It's not even thinking of anything negative. Maybe it was triggered by me remembering my dishonorable drunk night, perhaps not the best things after watching an honorable samurai movie that inspired me. Eh, I guess that's not it. But I do currently, at this moment, feel deeply and miserably like shit.

Is this depression? Being upset for no reason and nothing I do seems to matter? I wonder if maybe I'm just lonely. At this moment I think I'm really craving for someone to talk to. I'd like to talk to a friend, maybe rant a bit. Someone whom I can say to them 'Hey, I don't know why, but I suddenly feel like really shit right now.' But I'm afraid. Recently, even more so. Urgh. It's frightening showing that I feel weakness. Maybe I'm getting ahead of myself, but as far as I've known I'm the only one who engages people to talk about stuff when I see them tweeting depressing stuff. I'm not bragging, it's why I'm worried. If a little weakness gets out, then I won't be able to be seen as a person to rant to. The fact that I appear unfazed and invincible may be one of the reasons people talk about their problems to me because they can be sure they're not piling problems onto existing problems that I have. If someone were to know that I feel like shit now, and it got out... I wouldn't as much capability to comfort my friends when things get rough. I know that I'd hesitate to talk to people whom I've known has some depressing times about any time I feel upset...

Am I trying to act like a hero, shouldering all the burdens? Maybe. I don't know. It's just that... I'm needed, as of right now. I don't want to lose it. Not yet, when I can't my guard down because everyone seems to be waiting for someone to listen to them. Am I paranoid? Maybe... This feels especially crippling because I showed so much weakness when I was drunk. I used to talk to Isabelle when I feel like shit but now I hesitate because... I'm afraid of what people think of me. She might see me in a different light since I got drunk. It's too worrying to think that if I tell her more she'll get disgusted and I fear the possibility so much I just don't even try. I think that's been a core issue all this time. I can't be seen as weak. Not yet. Maybe I might never end up showing it, and maybe deep breathing will calm me down every time. It's not working now, but maybe if I breathe enough.
What I need is a friend that I can rant to every time I feel like shit, without worry that they'll ever see me differently every time I do... This sounds familiar... It's the same worry everyone says when they rant to me... Is it a matter of trust? But I trust everyone... or... do... I?

I would've liked to post on Line Play because at least I know that I can rant and I can live a little better with the small hope someone read it and trying to make me feel better without me knowing, but my phone doesn't have that. Blogger's a little consolation... I guess.

25th October - Crossing

I had a meltdown at our last drinking party 3 days ago. Got piss drunk, spewed out a lot of shit. I flung around and hurt my friends and said a lot of things that shouldn't have been said. I messed up big time. Well, it's not entirely a mess up.

Long ago my mom told my the story of her before my birth. And my mind construed that information into something akin to me not actually meaning to be. That I was an unfortunate consequence, and that I wasn't supposed to exist. I didn't harp on it every day, but there would be times darkness would grab me, and a little voice would repeat it into my head as I tried to sleep, and tears would just form and I would feel like shit. And it haunted me on random days, and it really bugged me. After getting drunk, I screamed all that out. I hurt people's feelings and let out a lot of family secrets, but this, the only thing that I was upset about, was finally off my chest.

Now, I have to fix the mess I've made. I embarrassed my friends, I have to make it up to them. I'm treating this as a start point for some new actions. I'm cutting off my samurai hair, that's like, meaning that I'm starting anew, right? Although I'm still not going to change as much as I think I'm going to, but I was planning to cut my hair anyway. This's a start.

They probably think I harbor a lot of ill feelings deep inside but that's not me. I'm not really sure how to get it across though. Can't bother them with too much explanations that sound like excuses too. Erm. Hmm.... It's still a bit embarrassing to show myself in front of anyone. I do feel a little naked with my inner side shown so blatantly. Hopefully I'll find a way to work around it. How should I go from here?

Getting drunk sucks. Although granted since I let out everything this time, the next time wouldn't be as bad, but argh, it sure gave me a lot of things I have to think about how to fix. I'm not even a fun drunk too. Bugger.

12th October - Bewilderment

So someone told me today that she liked me back at the start of the year for like a week. And okay, I kinda figured out what everyone was hiding from me, because they all heard her say it at the chalet while she was drunk. But I chose to play dumb because it didn't seem like a nice moment to come out and say 'Hey guess what I knowwwww.' It really was quite painful acting like I have no clue what was going on but it would've been even more uncomfortable to come out and say it. But after I heard the story itself, the way it was strangely phrased, I found myself even more confused. I was definitely caught off guard, with how much I acted like I didn't know when in fact I did. In fact, had I heard that in person, I probably wouldn't have got the meaning either. I realized I'm a lot more hopeless in matters of love than I thought I was. People called me dense when I was acting but the real me proved I really was super dense.

And I don't know why, but right now, I think I'm panicking. I feel anxious. I feel jittery, and worried. I think panic is the closest to what I can describe it. I don't even know why. Am I worried that there's actually something I could fix? Was I supposed to come up with an answer to her? What are her intentions now? What am I thinking? How am I seeing this? Why did I respond in that way? What will she think of me now? What will the others think of me now? What if I went with it? What if I missed out something? How am I supposed to behave? Is there really a lot more that I don't know? Do I even want this? Would I have been happier if I did have it? What am I supposed to do now? Do I want a relationship? Am I afraid of relationships? Am I afraid of women?

I don't know which is the question that's worrying me the most, this was like a small list of a few I remember on the way home as the feeling increased. I don't even know why I'm losing my mind over this. I thought that things would be perfectly fine with me knowing, I wouldn't even feel awkward, I'd be the best at keeping things casual. But left alone on a ride home and I found my mind racing everywhere and I'm sweating cold. What am I hiding from myself? What did I realize before I realized? This is so frightening, I'm scared of what the answer to this could be.

I still have to try to act like everything's normal around her because she took the effort to tell me, even though she had the fear that things would turn awkward. But my mind is scrambled inside. This is very stressful. I'm gonna lose more hair.

My mind is ???????????????????? now. ??????????? to the ???????????? that's ???????ing to the ???????????? that ????????????'s ??????????? on ???????????? that ??????????. Help me.

9th October - Reminisce

Isabelle brought up her old blog today, so I thought to take a look at this one too. The stuff in here's still too recent and too embarrassing to show off just yet, but maybe I should update this a little. Life has changed a lot in a month, anyway.

It's looking good, it's looking real good. I'm drawing a lot these past few days. Recently won the Indie Game Contest 2014, 1st place! It's not Grand Prize, but it's 1st! That's like runner-up! My game design ideals work against the world, and I am so, so proud. Ever since I won that, everything looks a lot brighter. It comes with the sense of achievement, I guess.

Friends seem to be having some tough times, but we've been talking a lot. In any way possible, I still want to continue helping them tackle their problems. I'm not even remotely close to a great role model, nor am I a person who knows the human emotion like the back of my hand, but I've found that if I have the ability, or rather, dare to, smash down the walls people hold around them, then as much as possible, use it with as little hesitation as possible. I know the feeling of needing someone there when I'm at my worse. It's not an answer you'd realize yourself either, but I've been saved by it, and being an idiot true and true, I can lend it to others too. I might be the only who can.

The friends I've met now are infinitely precious to me. Isabelle, Melvin, Jeff, Shawn, Mato, Inez, Liana, Guo An, Joseph. I would go through any lengths just to help them in any way. This sentiment had never changed, really. I would always gladly go the lengths for anyone precious to me, even if the lineup did change as time passed. There have been times where I did have other agenda, I'd admit, but I believe where I stand for them had always been for good. They may be having tough times, but I wish for the strength to be able to help them all out!

As for relationships, it'd be a lie to say I wasn't interested... but... I have been conscious of the attention of certain ladies around me recently, and I'm hesitant on taking them up on their offer. It's not like I don't like them. It's just I've come to realize that I like everyone equally as much. Telling me to choose someone to be partial and special to... it's a hard decision. I couldn't make that decision. Sometimes the indecision wrecks me though. Without a doubt I'd love to be exclusive, there's a certain different kind of fulfilment that comes from being special to someone, and vice versa. But if I were to risk friendships because of it? Maybe it isn't worth it. Surely I might come to an answer eventually. For now, there are bigger problems than loneliness, and greater things to experience.

I saw some old photos. I've grown older. But I've definitely grown wiser too. There have to be greater things to fill this blog with than shitty rants. Wouldn't want this to be a blog I'm ashamed of.