I had a meltdown at our last drinking party 3 days ago. Got piss drunk, spewed out a lot of shit. I flung around and hurt my friends and said a lot of things that shouldn't have been said. I messed up big time. Well, it's not entirely a mess up.
Long ago my mom told my the story of her before my birth. And my mind construed that information into something akin to me not actually meaning to be. That I was an unfortunate consequence, and that I wasn't supposed to exist. I didn't harp on it every day, but there would be times darkness would grab me, and a little voice would repeat it into my head as I tried to sleep, and tears would just form and I would feel like shit. And it haunted me on random days, and it really bugged me. After getting drunk, I screamed all that out. I hurt people's feelings and let out a lot of family secrets, but this, the only thing that I was upset about, was finally off my chest.
Now, I have to fix the mess I've made. I embarrassed my friends, I have to make it up to them. I'm treating this as a start point for some new actions. I'm cutting off my samurai hair, that's like, meaning that I'm starting anew, right? Although I'm still not going to change as much as I think I'm going to, but I was planning to cut my hair anyway. This's a start.
They probably think I harbor a lot of ill feelings deep inside but that's not me. I'm not really sure how to get it across though. Can't bother them with too much explanations that sound like excuses too. Erm. Hmm.... It's still a bit embarrassing to show myself in front of anyone. I do feel a little naked with my inner side shown so blatantly. Hopefully I'll find a way to work around it. How should I go from here?
Getting drunk sucks. Although granted since I let out everything this time, the next time wouldn't be as bad, but argh, it sure gave me a lot of things I have to think about how to fix. I'm not even a fun drunk too. Bugger.
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