30th October - Inconsistency

Things were going swell the past few days. Watched Rurouni Kenshin today too, it was fucking awesome. It made me regret cutting off my ponytail.

Don't know why as I was reaching home I suddenly felt like shit. Like my mood just totally fucking plummeted mad. There's a gripping cold feeling in my chest and I try to think of other things but my mind is just filled with dark clouds and it's so cold. It's not even thinking of anything negative. Maybe it was triggered by me remembering my dishonorable drunk night, perhaps not the best things after watching an honorable samurai movie that inspired me. Eh, I guess that's not it. But I do currently, at this moment, feel deeply and miserably like shit.

Is this depression? Being upset for no reason and nothing I do seems to matter? I wonder if maybe I'm just lonely. At this moment I think I'm really craving for someone to talk to. I'd like to talk to a friend, maybe rant a bit. Someone whom I can say to them 'Hey, I don't know why, but I suddenly feel like really shit right now.' But I'm afraid. Recently, even more so. Urgh. It's frightening showing that I feel weakness. Maybe I'm getting ahead of myself, but as far as I've known I'm the only one who engages people to talk about stuff when I see them tweeting depressing stuff. I'm not bragging, it's why I'm worried. If a little weakness gets out, then I won't be able to be seen as a person to rant to. The fact that I appear unfazed and invincible may be one of the reasons people talk about their problems to me because they can be sure they're not piling problems onto existing problems that I have. If someone were to know that I feel like shit now, and it got out... I wouldn't as much capability to comfort my friends when things get rough. I know that I'd hesitate to talk to people whom I've known has some depressing times about any time I feel upset...

Am I trying to act like a hero, shouldering all the burdens? Maybe. I don't know. It's just that... I'm needed, as of right now. I don't want to lose it. Not yet, when I can't my guard down because everyone seems to be waiting for someone to listen to them. Am I paranoid? Maybe... This feels especially crippling because I showed so much weakness when I was drunk. I used to talk to Isabelle when I feel like shit but now I hesitate because... I'm afraid of what people think of me. She might see me in a different light since I got drunk. It's too worrying to think that if I tell her more she'll get disgusted and I fear the possibility so much I just don't even try. I think that's been a core issue all this time. I can't be seen as weak. Not yet. Maybe I might never end up showing it, and maybe deep breathing will calm me down every time. It's not working now, but maybe if I breathe enough.
What I need is a friend that I can rant to every time I feel like shit, without worry that they'll ever see me differently every time I do... This sounds familiar... It's the same worry everyone says when they rant to me... Is it a matter of trust? But I trust everyone... or... do... I?

I would've liked to post on Line Play because at least I know that I can rant and I can live a little better with the small hope someone read it and trying to make me feel better without me knowing, but my phone doesn't have that. Blogger's a little consolation... I guess.