12th October - Bewilderment

So someone told me today that she liked me back at the start of the year for like a week. And okay, I kinda figured out what everyone was hiding from me, because they all heard her say it at the chalet while she was drunk. But I chose to play dumb because it didn't seem like a nice moment to come out and say 'Hey guess what I knowwwww.' It really was quite painful acting like I have no clue what was going on but it would've been even more uncomfortable to come out and say it. But after I heard the story itself, the way it was strangely phrased, I found myself even more confused. I was definitely caught off guard, with how much I acted like I didn't know when in fact I did. In fact, had I heard that in person, I probably wouldn't have got the meaning either. I realized I'm a lot more hopeless in matters of love than I thought I was. People called me dense when I was acting but the real me proved I really was super dense.

And I don't know why, but right now, I think I'm panicking. I feel anxious. I feel jittery, and worried. I think panic is the closest to what I can describe it. I don't even know why. Am I worried that there's actually something I could fix? Was I supposed to come up with an answer to her? What are her intentions now? What am I thinking? How am I seeing this? Why did I respond in that way? What will she think of me now? What will the others think of me now? What if I went with it? What if I missed out something? How am I supposed to behave? Is there really a lot more that I don't know? Do I even want this? Would I have been happier if I did have it? What am I supposed to do now? Do I want a relationship? Am I afraid of relationships? Am I afraid of women?

I don't know which is the question that's worrying me the most, this was like a small list of a few I remember on the way home as the feeling increased. I don't even know why I'm losing my mind over this. I thought that things would be perfectly fine with me knowing, I wouldn't even feel awkward, I'd be the best at keeping things casual. But left alone on a ride home and I found my mind racing everywhere and I'm sweating cold. What am I hiding from myself? What did I realize before I realized? This is so frightening, I'm scared of what the answer to this could be.

I still have to try to act like everything's normal around her because she took the effort to tell me, even though she had the fear that things would turn awkward. But my mind is scrambled inside. This is very stressful. I'm gonna lose more hair.

My mind is ???????????????????? now. ??????????? to the ???????????? that's ???????ing to the ???????????? that ????????????'s ??????????? on ???????????? that ??????????. Help me.