29th November - Collapse

It really did happen, the clique seems more segmented than ever. I can't help but imagine it's my fault. There are a lot of things I keep looking back on and wondering that if I had never said those things, or acted in that way, would it have changed anything now? Maybe if I didn't get drunk and scared everyone off with unnecessarily dramatic problems. Maybe if I hadn't ranted out my inner worries to Isabelle. Maybe if I hadn't pushed for more daring drinking games, because they weren't the kind of games friends would play amongst ourselves. Maybe if I didn't tell Isabelle that I felt lonely and complained about why nobody ever hangs out anymore, maybe I wouldn't have appeared so dependant, and it probably scared everyone off.

That day, she did tell me not to depend on them, and that I should go find new friends. That day, it really did hurt. I was so upset. What was I? Was this all that our friendship mattered? I was so bitter. And for a week or two, I was mad, I haven't talked to her in 2 weeks other than instruction on homework. I gave her the cold shoulder, hoping that maybe she'd ask why, or apologize. Pathetic, childish behavior. As I look back, I realize that maybe... all this time I knew she was right, I just didn't want to admit it. I got so lofty and high on the ideals of eternal friendship, I raised it higher and grandiosed it much more than it really was. And I got so drunk on the idea that I was the key to holding it all together, some benevolent god or hero reaching out to my friends. So when she said that, it seemed like the reality I knew just crumbled. Which... I guess it's right. This isn't some dramatic story. This isn't some video game or arc or whatever. This was just an event in life, and we were just a gathering of friends. There was no foreshadowing of why we got together, there's no event we were destined to band together to prepare for. It was just... this.

I treasure them, very much, I do. But maybe I treasured their friendship in the wrong way, an unnecessarily indulgent one. It's no wonder everyone's uncomfortable now. Can I take it all back? How can I redeem myself? I'm tired of pretending that I'm angry, or trying to dictate the path of our party. This time, I really am lonely, because the thought of everyone leaving, especially because it's my fault... The regret's unbearable. I don't know how I SHOULD be acting. What do I do? I don't have anyone to ask anymore. I'm not dependant on attention, but I need to vent, I need to rant, I need someone to hear me without judging, and Bapp isn't enough, because I'm blowing up inside.

To the good stuff though, I got Pokemon Alpha Sapphire and it is sweet! Nice amount of challenge, it's great! Also our current game development assignment allows me to explore any game idea I want, I'm actually psyched by the ideas I've come up with. But are they possible to be made...?

6th November - Platonic

I've been like a nonstop bullet train of drawing lately, somehow I'm finding it fun, and it's amazing how much I'm getting done.

But I wonder if it's coming at the expense of social skills? Isabelle pointed out that everyone is drifting apart because of everyone settling into their tag teams, like mini cliques. I didn't even notice.

What did we do before when we were all inseparable? Has our friendship run its course? It's depressing to think about. Not that we still aren't close, but it's the fact we're not as close as we used to, and I can't figure out why.

And I'm starting to hope I'm not going through that 'mid-life crisis' rubbish because I've started to consider whether it's worth dating. Hmmmmmgh.

A little self-analysis, Calvin!
I'm comfortable with being really close friends, but I am affectionate. Maybe at times this may be misunderstood, and I hate misunderstandings, so I did consider maybe I should get serious about this. But I'm also unsure about commitment. So it's a matter of which one weighs heavier on me... maybe?

Urgh, maybe I should find someone to consult. But it sounds so creepy to talk about this kind of stuff. I might've already accidentally creeped out people. Grrrrgh, I don't know.

I think there are dark clouds looming on the horizon. I hope I can help.