It really did happen, the clique seems more segmented than ever. I can't help but imagine it's my fault. There are a lot of things I keep looking back on and wondering that if I had never said those things, or acted in that way, would it have changed anything now? Maybe if I didn't get drunk and scared everyone off with unnecessarily dramatic problems. Maybe if I hadn't ranted out my inner worries to Isabelle. Maybe if I hadn't pushed for more daring drinking games, because they weren't the kind of games friends would play amongst ourselves. Maybe if I didn't tell Isabelle that I felt lonely and complained about why nobody ever hangs out anymore, maybe I wouldn't have appeared so dependant, and it probably scared everyone off.
That day, she did tell me not to depend on them, and that I should go find new friends. That day, it really did hurt. I was so upset. What was I? Was this all that our friendship mattered? I was so bitter. And for a week or two, I was mad, I haven't talked to her in 2 weeks other than instruction on homework. I gave her the cold shoulder, hoping that maybe she'd ask why, or apologize. Pathetic, childish behavior. As I look back, I realize that maybe... all this time I knew she was right, I just didn't want to admit it. I got so lofty and high on the ideals of eternal friendship, I raised it higher and grandiosed it much more than it really was. And I got so drunk on the idea that I was the key to holding it all together, some benevolent god or hero reaching out to my friends. So when she said that, it seemed like the reality I knew just crumbled. Which... I guess it's right. This isn't some dramatic story. This isn't some video game or arc or whatever. This was just an event in life, and we were just a gathering of friends. There was no foreshadowing of why we got together, there's no event we were destined to band together to prepare for. It was just... this.
I treasure them, very much, I do. But maybe I treasured their friendship in the wrong way, an unnecessarily indulgent one. It's no wonder everyone's uncomfortable now. Can I take it all back? How can I redeem myself? I'm tired of pretending that I'm angry, or trying to dictate the path of our party. This time, I really am lonely, because the thought of everyone leaving, especially because it's my fault... The regret's unbearable. I don't know how I SHOULD be acting. What do I do? I don't have anyone to ask anymore. I'm not dependant on attention, but I need to vent, I need to rant, I need someone to hear me without judging, and Bapp isn't enough, because I'm blowing up inside.
To the good stuff though, I got Pokemon Alpha Sapphire and it is sweet! Nice amount of challenge, it's great! Also our current game development assignment allows me to explore any game idea I want, I'm actually psyched by the ideas I've come up with. But are they possible to be made...?
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