21st May - Asphyxiation

Went to school earlier today even though class started like 5 hours later because peeps wanted to celebrate Sundram's birthday. Alright, truth be told, I didn't want to celebrate it. Mostly because I'm a miser, and well, I don't particularly enjoy Sundram's company. Partly because he reminds me of the faggots back in Secondary School that I hated so much. But he's nice. Just that I feel uncomfortable around him (and he smells odd too. Like some kind of cologne?). It may take some time to get used to it. Regardless, if I want friends, sacrifices have to be made. I need to take a step out and reach out to people so they can reach out to me.

I pinched Isabelle's phone and ran away with it because this whole skirmish thing started from yesterday when she took my hat and I took her phone. This time I ran one whole round. It was funny at first, but then even after she returned it she didn't let up. I'm ticklish, and she took advantage of that. I used to like being tickled, but now I fucking hate it. It's like that feeling of losing control of your own body. Just terrible. But that was the leverage she used against me the whole damn day. At one point, we were wasting time in the Lecture Theater before leaving for dinner, and she was chasing me around the whole place. I had no time to catch my breathe and regain oxygen. Fear began to set in. Like seriously, I was dangling on the borderline of a panic attack, with Isabelle constantly on my tail and no where to run. My heart was beating so fast I swear.

As I ran around the Lecture Theater to get away from her, I chanced across Syai, sulking alone outside. I thought it strange, so I decided to sit next to her as I regained my breath. As she hunched over the table to what I initially thought was to sleep, I noticed her wristbands shivering. She was crying. So I hugged her and she cried into my shirt. She didn't tell me much about what troubled her, and I guessed a few times, but I didn't probe much further. I suppose some of her grief lies with me, but there's not much I can do about it. I feel so bad using my position as her interest to calm her, but I am a friend before anything else, and I... mmm... I can keep glorifying it as much as I want, but no matter what I'll still be conflicted on the inside...