Once again, another uneventful day at home, playing Valkyria Chronicles the whole day. I did a bit of reflection on myself again, but with less self-loathing this time around, for some reason.
It's true that there are some parts of myself I really despise now, and I have been feeling lonely, but all this reflection upon myself has led me to neglect my friends. Whether they're real or not, it's no big consequence. My traits are a part of me, and I've to learn to accept them like everyone else does. Recently when I've gone out with my friends, after looking back on it, I've been acting strangely. I'm more quiet. I stay at the sides a lot more than I... recall. I don't exactly remember how I socialized back then, but memories I have of times just a year or two back, I was a lot happier. Right now all I do is worry about how I look like to other people, what they think of me, whether they hate me, despise me, and frankly, it hasn't been very good for my mental health.
So I think I'm going to try to be the cheerful idiot that everyone knows once again. It's going to be a bit challenging, since my mind has been working like a computer for so long, and I have no idea how to hardwire it back to being human. But I want to try. I want to try and be a person that people can enjoy being in my company, just like Shirleen and Tommy. Uwaaah, it seems like such a tall wall to climb though. I don't even know where to begin. I'm going to have to resolve myself to do it though. I can't be this depressing piece of shit forever. If I can make people smile and laugh, surely I might begin to do the same, right? It sure seemed that way back then.
So invite me out once again, friends. Give me a chance to become the Calvin that you first befriended. Although I still very much like to have deep, personal talks though, so please engage me in those whenever XD
Actually, I'm starting to suspect that my change was brought out through my work-intensive Final Year Project. Hmmm... :\ Could it be?
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