4th April - Forms

Got my enrollment package at NYP today with Zi Sheng. This marks the start of a new beginning, once again. At a new school... with new friends... I'll miss my friends Q_Q

I haven't met Zi Sheng in quite a while. His hair's bleached blonde. Now people can definitely tell us apart, hahaha! There's a lot of procedures to this school thing. Forms to sign and shit. And school fees. And medical checkups. God damn. My brain's rotting at the sight of this pile. And I'm not even sure if I'm eligible for the scholarship. I'm actually pretty damn worried. The school fees look really expensive. And... it looks like I have to go for a medical checkup tomorrow too. Seems like there's going to be blood tests and the works. SO TROUBLESOME. Does not help that I no longer have student concession on my card.

At Latin Dance today Yiru asked if I had ever liked anyone before. It's kind of a good question. I mean, now that I can somewhat tell the difference, I've never actually liked anyone seriously before. It's been mostly attractions and temporary infatuations, but that's the limit. Everyone describes the feeling as 'your heart beating fast when you're near the person' or 'you're just super happy whenever you're with them' or 'love is love, you just know', but I don't understand any of it. I haven't felt any of those feelings before. I'm actually half-convinced that I'm incapable of love. I mean, love is a scary thing. I do feel lonely at times, I want a companion, someone I can hold and cherish, but... to find one is the hardest thing. Some girls just jump at the idea of getting together with someone, they don't really put a lot of thought into it, they just fear being lonely. And if I'm going to get into a relationship of any kind, I'm sure as hell going to try to stay in it as long as possible. Putting aside the chance of rejection, if I end up getting a girlfriend who eventually gets angry about how little time I spend with her because of the time I spend on pursuing my dreams more than flirting around and buying her presents... it's not going to end well for both of us. A lady that respects me for what I want to do, in a society like this really seems like a pipe dream.

Well, I can name one that might... and I do have feelings for her, but whether or not these feelings are really love... I'm not entirely sure yet.