29th March - Picking Up

I spent the whole day powerhousing my laptop trying to draw Ultraman Tiga.

I picked up the series again too. I guess... watching this series back when I was a kid made me want to be a hero when I grew up. Inputting ideals and feelings of justice in my mind. I wanted to do good. I wanted to be a good person. That's why whenever I did bad things, mostly when it was to fit in, I would feel guilty inside. And I suppose along with it also came that feeling of responsibility. That I had to pit everything onto myself. That I couldn't fail, and if anything went wrong it was my responsibility. It's not entirely a bad thing, I mean, especially if you compared it to behaviors like ah bengs and ah lians and matreps and meenas who smoke, complain, pick fights, bitch about foreign workers who left their families back home to come here to do the jobs we don't want to do. But... every pro comes with its fair share of cons, I guess.

Thinking about it, how many masks did I wear to fit in over the course of ITE? I was more 'myself', back when I was in Secondary School. Although that did cause me a lot of trouble. A lot of rebelling. And with no friends other than Vincent. When I came into ITE it actually seemed like I worked so hard to fit in. Acted like the people around me, picking up skills and showing off just so that people would talk to me and find me cool. So much work just to be accepted. Being popular is nice and all but... I yearn for a person whom I can just be myself with, and they with me. Even I feel like Vincent sometimes holds back his opinion because of what I can do. Darren as well, and Tommy... Tommy doesn't hold back, but I can't talk anything important with him. It's just fun and games between us. Felicia... Felicia can't understand, not even a single bit. I can't even trust my own best friends to see the entire real me. *sigh* I'm pathetic.

Blogging really helps put things into perspective, huh. I didn't think I had a lot to type, but one topic leads to another and it really brings out all the hidden worries I store away in my head.