23rd March - Nerve

Woke up again because I just need these troubles to manifest themselves in words for me to brood over.
My troubles recently involves having to design banners and bookmarks for the Japanese Club and having to practice and perform for the Latin Dance club despite having already graduating, squeezing in time to draw my S4 League Manga and complete video games, and my social life. Particularly, the little lass, Shirleen.

This is a guilt trip. Recently it's been really, really, REALLY weighing on me why I added her to my Final Year Project team. I mean, it's not because she's bad or anything. It's more of whether I've put unnecessary pressure on her. The rest of us had a certain amount of skill in art, and I began to wonder whether or not all this time, she's been feeling out of the loop, or feeling like she's a burden on the team. That wasn't the case, but I could see how it would look that way when you compare the amount of tasks I gave Gavin and... well, Justin doesn't really count. But still. It's just... feeling out of place is one of the shittiest feelings, and feeling it now, I feel guilt. Guilty that I may have put her in that same position by dragging her into my team.

Recently on an outing with some of our friends, we got on the topic of... well, a guy that they seemed to dislike, and how easy yet pathetic his Final Year Project was. And then Shirleen pointed out how a team consisting of just me and Zi Sheng would do a much better job. And even in the bus, when they were talking about yet another dislikeable classmate, she mentioned how if I were to train her for a month or so, her art would easily surpass that person's. She's being realistic, but she has such a high opinion of me, it really made me very happy. So bubbly inside, kind of happy. Likewise, I've a good opinion of her as well. Yet, I can't be as blatantly open about it as she is about me. In fact, I may have made her think that she's not as intelligent as she really is from my teasing, and GOD FUCKING DAMMIT I feel so FUCKING GUILTY. She's incredibly brilliant! Her mind works in ways that makes me jealous, and all I've done so far is make her feel incompetent. If only one opportunity would show itself where I could jump on the topic and return the favor.

Every remotely possible chance that has presented itself so far, like today at a one-day event job where we both worked, I can't seem to just bring up a serious conversation. I barely can strike up a conversation. Might also be because being in Work Mode for the past few days have drained my social skills. But still... *sigh*

Reading this over, even though these were my serious thoughts from my mind, I sound really creepy, like one of her many stalkers. Oh god, lol shit that was not my intention at all. But congrats, you have just seen one of the rare moments where I really vomit out a part of my brain to show what I really think of some people.
The more personal I get the more I really don't want anyone to find this blog now.