15th February - Lost

It's quite stupid how sometimes, when you lie to yourself, you end up believing it. I've been wanting to be alone for quite a while now. Initially it was because I just didn't want to engage in stupid conversation with anyone, but then some reasons began bubbling and surfacing, and it's just made me want to be alone even more. I'm in no mood to have fun, or even try to.

This Final Year Project is finally coming to an end. It's not the ending I wanted, though. Not as many things were completed as I thought. And I can't help but feel that if I had been more responsible earlier on, we might have gotten a lot more done. If I didn't skimp on making a schedule and task list. If I had properly prioritized the order of work we had to get done. If I hadn't wasted time asking my teammates to do things that wouldn't show up in the end. All this wasted effort, wasted product, wasted time. As the leader and Game Designer, the fault is mostly mine for not coming up with a proper system. Nnnghh... With only one more working day left, I don't know if there's anything else we can do at this point to catch up...

Visiting an animation company on the excursion today didn't help much too. As much as it got me excited about the working world after I graduate, it opened my eyes to the level of work out there. In fact, it's not even way out there either. The things I saw that amazed me were things done here. In Singapore. This small ass country. Who can tell what kind of gods are out there on the global stage. And how am I supposed to get ready for it? I can't even manage a small school project group. This realization has thrown my cocky, self-confidence boosting mood out of the window. That all this time when I thought I could take on the world, and I can't even finish one fucking game. Tch. I... don't know. I don't know what I should do now.

I want to talk to somebody, so I don't have to wreck my brain alone. But at the same time, I want to be alone to contemplate this. I... don't know... what I want anymore.