19th February - Inferiority

My Final Year Project's presentation was today. People were relatively impressed. I'm quite glad we put BGM in, it sure caught a lot of attention. And so after the presentation, everyone was going 'YEAAAH FYP'S OVER YEAAAAH' and went on to play games. And then... there was me. And I'm blogging about this right now because clearly I don't feel the same sentiment. I mean, we only barely finished one part of the game. And most of it is for show too. Doctored User Interfaces that I did and hoped no one would notice. Should I really be happy that... even though it's over, we only made it this far? We did come a long way, but we could've gone further. The faults that I could've fixed. If I had composed a better task list at the beginning. If I had went ahead pushing everyone to follow the schedule. If I had known the limitations of the programming side. If I had prioritized what to do first. There was a lot of wasted effort in this project. Gavin's loads of animations especially. He really did a lot, and he nowadays he actually seems to be enjoying modelling, and it really, really pleases me when as soon as he's done with one task he'd eagerly ask me for something else to do. And then there's Shirleen. Amongst all of us, she's grown the most over this project. From having no strengths to being able to barely keep up with the rest of us. Sure, she still whines when given any assignment, but she's good enough for me to leave her alone with the faith she'll do a relatively decent job. And Justin... he's still a dick. He has skills, but no work ethic. Yeah... we worked really hard over the course of this project, and a lot of the effort didn't get to show.

My other worries include how other people view me. I've been taking more pride in my own skills improving too, but have I been making people feel inferior? Gavin has always looked up to me, Shirleen apparently has a somewhat high opinion of me, Jun Cheng's occasionally watching me from behind. They've brought me to realize that I might look bigger in everyone else's eyes. But... am I making them feel inferior? That's the last thing I could possibly want. I just want to be normal, like everyone else. To be on the same eye-level... Is it possible to crave the world stage and be average at the same time...?