23rd January - Lighthouse

I left this blog in favor for blogging on Line Play, of which I could do while in bed, but since Line Play's fucked up its keyboard, and I happened to open this page, here I am.

Things have happened. A lot of things over the past year. I got together with Joey. I experienced a lot of things, some I regret have rushed so hard, because we broke up not too long back. Mostly because of myself. Because I found that relationships aren't something I enjoy. I love my friends. I love them too much to want to treat one person special. And it wrecked me so hard I had to break it up.

Although she isn't entirely out of it either. Of late she's taken to praising other people and putting me down. I hate it. Maybe, if I've observed right, she has this kind of masochistic relationship with her friends, criticizing each other as if it's some professional sport. But in my eyes, it's disgusting. I hate it. With every new word coming out of her mouth, I get angrier, I hate her more. It's infuriating. I know my flaws. I look myself in the mirror every day and I know what I lack and I remember moments with people that I regret and I burn them into my memories, and every time I make eye contact with myself I flash through them. I don't need someone to tell me what I'm doing wrong like a 'I told you so'. I can see it. I just can't fix it as easily as I hope.

So despite my New Year's Resolution to become a brighter light, to lead people, to trailblaze the way, I've found people getting fed up with me speeding ahead; putting me down because I'm leaving people behind; garnering hate for me because they can't keep up. And it hurts. It was never my intention to make enemies. It was never my attention to make anyone hate me. I don't know what to do. These are dark times for me, this whole week, after finding knowledge of these. I feel dark tendrils crawling through my blood vessels, coldness to the tip of my fingertips. I'm paranoid about what people think of me. I'm going insane in my own head, and I don't want anyone to find out for fear they would gossip about me the same way we've gossiped about others. This is a just karma.