8th February - Fire

I'm sick. I got better in a day though, so that's not really important. I have been feeling really empty of late, being unable to write in my diary in Line Play due to my changing of phones. It was really quite an important thing for my soul I think. I feel a lot more wrecked, a lot more depressed each day. I can only account it to that.

I've dabbled in indulgences. I've fallen into temptation and I know I've done wrong that I cannot right. And I can keep mentioning it in diary or blog posts as many times, it's still going to haunt me. Eventually, I'll let it go. I hope I do, it seems like a natural thing for everyone else. But for now, I just feel regret. And yet I know that if I hadn't done so, I would've regretted not doing it, and then eventually, I would've done it. It makes me feel really pathetic, actually, that I'm so weak a person. I'm trying to find it myself to accept myself, that perhaps it's not actually wrong, but it's just who I am, my innate nature determined from the moment I was born, to grasp at opportunity as it flickers in front of me. But it could also be that there's no excuse and that I just did bad. Jesus christ, there're so many different roads and 'what if's I could mention, it's crazy. I've long grown unworthy of the Chivalrous Pervert title, I think it's about time I earned it back.

Despite my aversion to relationships now, I find that I still yearn to get closer to girls. Which I find strange. Quite possibly that I just have this compulsion to swear loyalty to someone, like a hound or a samurai. I just grow tired of the toy once I've gotten it though, and I know that, so I should definitely be conscious of my boundaries. What I still desire most is deep friendship, though. I desire a soulful connection.

I find that in a blog post, there is a tendency to get depressing. My diary was a lot more cheerful than this, I think it's probably due to the lack of character restriction, that eventually all happy stories would have enough space to turn for the worse. Bah, well, so long as I get to vomit myself out, I guess.